Butoh Class: COME SEE FOR YOURSELF!

I will be teaching a NEW class: Butoh! Check out more information HERE:

Invest in yourself for you

"You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make." - Gorden B. Hinkley

I have days when reading the quote above I will say, "You're kidding, right?" It's amazing what we ask for and the Universe hands it right over to ya. It comes in all shapes and forms and beings. It's the process towards our goals and desires that we wish (sometimes) could skip over. It's those "learning" curveballs that get thrown at us and would rather duck and cover. It's the bumps along the road that makes us trip and fall. Yes, we stamp our feet, get irritated, and we may want to stay down, but we must trust that there's a reason for everything that we experience.

I remember the time when I decided I wanted to be a yoga teacher. At the time, I really didn't think about what it involved. All I knew was that I loved doing yoga and how I felt after practicing it. September of 2004, I started teacher training at the Iyengar Yoga Institute of San Francisco. I chose this style because my first teacher in Boston studied and taught this style, plus other styles as well. This style really helped my posture and alignment, which benefited my whole body.
To be honest, I really didn't know what to expect; however, I didn't expect it to be so demanding and intense. The teachers were amazing, but yes, there were some whose style of teaching didn't resonate with me; therefore I created tension around the situation. I didn't allow myself to be open. I didn't know how to communicate my needs or ask for support.
Since this was a 500 hour program (2 years long), by the 2nd year, I really started to question my future as a yoga teacher. I began to feel drained and not excited about yoga anymore. I didn't know how to balance it with life, so I began to resent it. I even dropped out of a class because it was being taught by that same teacher and I didn't want to deal with it. However, although there were other things going on in my life that needed more attention, it was a GREAT excuse to get out of it. I knew I needed to do this for my health, but then I began to beat myself up over it. I looked at myself as a failure and a quitter. I let that belief imprint itself within me, which then affected other parts of my life such as relationships, jobs, family, etc. If there was something I was interested and excited about doing or sharing with others, I would talk myself out of it. Tell myself why I couldn't have or do it.

The first time I taught I was TERRIFIED! But who isn't nervous doing something for the first time. Of course, as a recovering perfectionist, at the time, I had to do everything right every time. Boy, did I learn that's not how it goes! Did I get frustrated? Yes! Did I cry about it? Yes! Did I want to run out of the room in the middle of class because I made a mistake? YES!

But I kept doing it. As I learned more self-care tools, I learned to ask for support and feedback from teachers, students, friends, mentors.

Of course, now I look back on it, and I don't really wish I did anything different. Sure, it's normal to think, "if I had done that instead of that..." But, honestly, I look at myself now and I'm doing pretty great. I acknowledge the changes I have made to this point. I love teaching more now because I realized the more I did it, the better I got. I now teach other fitness formats and will be attending a training soon to become a Certified Group Exercise Instructor.

Why?

Because I have a need to contribute and connect with others. I have a need for knowledge, and I want to share my knowledge and experiences to inspire others to want to change a part of their life, and be happier and healthier. I know this now to be my intention for teaching others, but I sure didn't know it before I went into yoga teacher training.

We need to invest in ourselves, especially if we want to grow and prosper. It's freakin' scary, so we need to surround ourselves with people that are going to "Woot! Woot!" for us; and help us when we fall or want to quit.

So, in regards to the quote above, my yoga teacher training was the best investment I ever made. It broke pieces of my barriers and walls that I had built around me for years. Was the work done? Hell, no! That was only the beginning. And so it continues....

Shifts....they keep happening

So, yes, it's been awhile since I've written here. From the last time I wrote, I ended up getting my letter from NY State about my remaining massage therapy license requirements; taught another willPower & Grace class (and rocked it!); and then took a training to be certified to teach Insanity. I also will be starting to teach Tabata class as well, which is very similar to Insanity, but has a different class design. Yep, I've been busy! But it's really been a good busy because I'm growing in so many ways. I'm stepping more out of my "protective-familar-feeling" shell and taking chances. Chances I would've NEVER taken in the past.

In all the teaching and learning I've been doing, I also came to the conclusion that I don't want to do Massage Therapy professionally, and want to do more teaching and coaching. Now, I know what you're thinking,"But you spent so much time getting all your stuff into NY State". Well, if you're not thinking that, I sure was!
But then I stopped myself from going down that road and said, "Hey! This is actually a good thing because now I know what I really want to focus on." Now I know what and where my passion truly is. I love to teach and have been going in that direction more. It makes me happy and energized, so why not go with something that makes me feel that way. When I thought about going back to massage school to get the rest of my hours, there was no excitement. Of course, I LOVE to learn, and I would be learning new things, as well as reviewing previous material. But that spark wasn't there, and it didn't feel right.

I want to inspire others to make changes in their lives. I want to teach people how to do it, where to begin, and give them the tools to do it.

I can teach them self-massage and bodywork, so they learn how to ease discomfort or tension in their body. I can also use ALL the tools I've learned from yoga training, dance and butoh, holistic health training and the fitness programs I completed.

Ever since I made this decision, I have felt lighter, happier, and excited! I feel more space and more flow. Of course, I hit bumps, and sometimes a halt, but I keep going. Even when I don't want to.....

The seaweed body

Check out a poem HERE I wrote inspired from an exercise I taught in butoh class :-)

The Insight Continues....

I can't get over the insight I've been receiving for the past week. Since my last post, things have unfolded before me. I've realized how much I've been distracting myself from what's really been going on.

I was talking to a friend last night because I really needed support. I knew stuff was coming up and I didn't know why, yet I knew why. That's the way it goes.

I did some clearing out of stale, negative thoughts and beliefs. I couldn't believe what was coming up and then BOOM! It kicked me in the butt. My friend was a witness to this too.

I have a HUGE story about perfection. How I have to be perfect at everything I do, and if I'm not or don't do it right the first time, I'm a failure or not good enough. I continued to clear out more negative thoughts and beliefs around that and an inquiry came up, "why do I always feel like I have to prove myself?" Who am I proving myself to? Myself? My husband? A kid from elementary school who used to tease me? My parents?

SHA-ZAM!

My parents divorced when I was about 10 or 11 (and to this day I don't know the exact age). It wasn't a messy divorce, but still not a happy time. The BIG, BIG story that came out of all this perfectionism was that I thought I was the reason they divorced. That in some way it was my fault. Now, these beliefs age at about 10-11 years old because now, as an adult, I know that's not true. I love my parents and they love me, and have always been there for me.

But, WOW! What a heavy thing to hold onto! As I allowed myself to feel the emotions and release it, a lightness came over me. It was moving out.

I felt more clear and certain about my path in front of me. I found my passion and purpose again. I know I am love, and loved by others. I am full of wonderous possibility! We all are.

There was something my friend reminded me of and that it's important to have fun with what we do. We get so caught up in the doing and get so serious that we lose the "fun" out of life. If we're in a place that's not in alignment with our purpose, how are we going to enjoy life?

Where's the joy in that?

Lots of insight there.

Challenges make you grow

I taught my first willPower & Grace class the other night. A moment I worked hard to get to. Then when I did it, I felt awful afterward. The inner critic buzzed in and gave it to me: "what the hell was that?" "you sucked!" "why are you even doing this? Just stick with what you know" "you were SO off beat", etc., etc.

The more I listened, the more awful I felt. For awhile, I really believed it. Some old patterns and ways of thinking/being came back and I felt like a failure. I had a need for compassion, to be seen, to be heard, and understood.

But this other side of me chimed in as well. The compassionate, supportive side. The accepting side. I really knew, deep down, that I did the best I could the first time teaching this new format. Yeah, there were some shaky parts, but overall, I actually had a good time (despite the negative self-talk) and it felt good to finally get an opportunity to teach it to the public.

Once I got to rehearsal and surrounded myself with fun, positive people, I felt a little better. Let's say it was a good distraction since I had to focus on the choreography.

I also got great support and insight from my fellow dancers because they noticed the headspace and mood I was in. At one point, I said out loud, "Why do I put myself through stuff like that?!" I knew the answer, and one of them said it. She said when we challenge ourselves, it helps us grow. If we just keep doing the same thing and not push the envelope, we really don't grow as a person and become better at the task at hand. It's so true; however, I still felt that inner critic telling me otherwise.

Then another one of my fellow dancers said, "You are the expert...you know more about the subject than anyone else in the room."

Yes!

Of course, at the time, I was so worried about what the other students thought of me, but honestly, as Dr. Wayne Dyer says, "It's none of your business what others think of you." I'm also not the regular teacher for that class. I am who I am, and teach whatever I am teaching. We all have our own style and way of transmitting information.

When I first started teaching yoga, I went through the same experience and it took awhile to find my own style and way of teaching. It took time and practice, but I got better and better.

So, through this whole experience, I do want to become a better teacher than I already am. I am a great teacher, and with willPower & Grace, I want to be fabulous. More grounded, creative, and magnifying!

Ooohh! I like that. Magnifying. Magnetic. Inspiring.

So when faced with challenges, how do you approach it? Do you give up and walk away? What does your inner critic say to you?

It's done. Now what? Stay positive.

So I accomplished one of the goals I declared HERE.  I videotaped myself teaching a willPower & Grace class, and sent it in to be evaluated and now I'm an Official Instructor!

So, WOO HOO ME :-)))))

It feels great to get stuff done, especially stuff that you love to do.  Of course, getting those certain things done (laundry, decluttering that drawer, etc.) may feel great too, but if it's a passion, dream, or a health/fitness goal, it feels different and so much better.

You feel like you could accomplish anything.  You feel inspired to do the next thing.

So what is the next thing?

I know once I obtain that letter from NY State to continue my massage education to get licensed, I will be soooo psyched!

Staying positive is a challenge/goal in itself.  So perhaps while I wait (patiently) for that letter, I can practice ways to stay positive. Hmmmmm, that's a hard one because there are times when we don't feel that way, or everything seems to be falling apart.  Let's see:

1) I can visualize that letter arriving in the mail saying, "you have enough hours.  Go practice massage!"

Or,

2) continue to visualize myself practicing massage in my own space, on my chosen time, and creating lots of income because I can charge what I want;

And/or,

3)  perhaps, when I have "one of those days" call a friend who supports me; who knows my passion(s) and purpose; and can celebrate my awesomeness.

I like those!

How do you stay positive?  When you feel down, or are thinking self-defeating thoughts, what do you do?