Too Full and Empty

Well I guess I'm writing to vent or really to seek connection and understanding from anyone out there. This week's has been tough. I don't know if it's hormonal (possibly) or just a bad week/day.

I know I'm not the only one, but money has been getting me down. I feel like I'm never going to catch up and pay off this debt. My husband and I have gone over our finances together so we know what we need to do. But I HATE it when I don't know what the fuck I'm going to eat for the next week! I know I can cook or make up a bunch of this and that and eat it for a few days, but some days I just don't wanna eat the same shit I had 2 days in a row! Yes I try to think of other people and cultures who have it worse than me, but sometimes I just can't get out of this funk.

Then I wake up this morning with negative self-talk and self-judgments all over the place. It's so loud I want to scream. Why did I buy this or that....you don't deserve it.....you're stupid....it goes on and on.

Oh yes, and then I overload my schedule again! A pattern that I've done for years and really worked hard to put to an end. I realized while talking with my husband about it how I don't know what to do when I have downtime. If I have nothing to do and try to relax, my mind starts going berserk again...you should be doing homework for massage classes....you should be practicing for massage.....do this...do that...blah...blah...blah.....So I made the decision to cancel something today and feel a lot better. But why can't I just be. I talk so much about "being present" that sometimes I can't do it for myself.

I have 2 hours for myself today. I need to ask myself what would I do if I had nothing on my plate? or what if everything is done? Something to meditate.