Being okay in the darkness is not always an easy task. Were you ever afraid of the dark as a child? When you didn’t have that night-light, what did you (or your parents) do to make you feel safe? Sometimes we had our stuffed animals, a specific toy or another favorite object that we kept nearby the bed.
Then we got older, and we may not always need those certain objects or toys because we may have learned that once you get to a certain age, there’s no reason to be afraid of the dark. So what does dark mean anyway?
Taken from the good ‘ol Merriam-Webster definition, here are a couple: devoid or partially devoid of light : not receiving, reflecting, transmitting, or radiating light ; arising from or showing evil traits or desires. Although these can be compared to the physical side of things, it can also be transmitted to emotions and thoughts.
The first definition really resonates with a recent experience I had a couple weeks ago. I was depressed, and depression is something I know very well. I have been treated for both depression and anxiety, where both go hand-in-hand a little “too” well. I would always have one and then the other would join in. I would get panic attacks, and then after coming down, I would feel worthless, sad, and lonely. I felt like I was the ONLY one with this problem, until I started going to a therapist and began seeing the “light” more. As always, I have to thank my yoga training, holistic health and bodywork training because a lot of my anxiety and depression stemmed from being in my head ALL THE TIME.
So, I was having one-of-those-days. In this case, it felt like one-of-those-MANY-days. I started having thoughts about my purpose in this life: “what am I doing with my life?” “Since I’m not doing massage or a, b, or c, what’s my purpose?” Then, the thoughts started getting, yep you guessed it, dark. Also negative, “I’m going to be stuck in this job for the rest of my life”, “I’ve wasted my life”, “I don’t deserve it”, “I’m not good enough”, etc., etc., etc. You can see where this was going.
During a trip to the grocery store with my husband, all of sudden, my vision began to get wavy and spotty all around until all I had was tunnel vision. I also started getting a pounding headache. I felt really weird too. Something was not right. The headache got worse, but the vision returned to normal, so we finished and went home. As I was finishing up in the bathroom, my nose and left side of my face started to tingle and become numb. Then it traveled to my left arm and that’s when I started to panic. Heart Attack and Stroke went off like an alarm that you couldn’t put on snooze.
As I spoke to my husband and did all the tests you do for stroke (smile, stick out tongue, etc.), the tingling and numbness left my face and arm, and continued to travel down the left side of my body down into my thigh. I couldn’t walk very well on that side as I paced my living room, trying to calm down. After 5-8 minutes, it stopped, but I was still shook up. My headache was completely gone too. I was scared and confused. I made an appointment with my doctor. Since this resembled a migraine with aura, and I’ve never had a history of them, she ordered a MRI of the brain to rule everything out. Yay. I was thrilled. This totally eased my anxiety even more! She explained it was a routine procedure, but my thoughts couldn’t help, but to go to the worse case scenario. Who wouldn’t?!
I continued to dig a deeper, darker hole of self-loathing. I started getting harder on myself about that. Then these thoughts joined in, “ you have a brain tumor”, “it’s all your fault”, “you’re not taking care of yourself very well“ “if you feel this way or think these thoughts, no one is going to like you”, “no one loves you”, “if you share to others what you’re going through, you’re going to ruin their day.” I know! It’s pretty harsh. An old, past, harsh way of being. I knew I had to turn it around, but it was really hard.
I was in a dark place, and instead of allowing myself to just be with the feelings, I resisted it all. Instead of inquiring and looking at these thoughts and feelings at a distance, I made myself wrong.
Why do we do that?
Well, like I mentioned earlier, the thoughts or what I like to call, “the mind chatter”, said, “if you feel this way or think these thoughts, no one is going to like you”. When I was in middle school, I really believed this thought because, in those times, most kids at that age, want and desire acceptance, which definitely trickles into high school (but that’s a different story). Then, as I got older, those strategies and beliefs really didn’t serve me anymore. However, as I was going through this episode, though I was very aware of it, I had a need to be safe, and this old strategy kicked in to provide it.
It really is beautiful and all perfect. That’s the paradox. I know that now, and at least I can acknowledge it. I sought support and help from my therapist, a life coach, and friends and family. The best tools ever.
So, even though, we may be feel down, sad, “down in the dumps”, or even depressed, it’s important to acknowledge these feelings and really be kind to yourself. Perhaps we need some time to ourselves, or we may need the company of those that we love and trust. We are human. We get angry, sad, overwhelmed, anxious, excited, and happy. We feel things. Sometimes they may not be such warm, fuzzy ones. It’s the uncomfortable ones that we need to pay EXTRA special attention to. These are the ones that tell us something is “off the grid” or unfamiliar. Pay attention.
What do you do when you’re having “a day”? A day when you feel it’s all falling apart. Do you withdraw and keep to yourself because you feel like a bad person for feeling that way? Or, do you confide to a friend, partner, or other support system?
The more we listen to and be with these thoughts and feelings without judgement, and with more compassion and understanding, they linger less and move on. We may go back and forth from the dark to the light, but that’s life. Is life always perfect? Where there’s dark, there’s light. You can’t have the Yin without the Yang.
Remember, you always have a choice. A choice to change your perspective, and step MORE toward your light.
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