The Grief Rollercoaster

I've been on a very "rollie" rollercoaster the past few days.  I got back Monday night from the east coast, where I attended my Nana's wake and funeral.  I took Tuesday off to rest and then back to work on Wednesday.  This definitely wasn't enough time for me.  I could have used more time for myself, but this society we live in kind of pushes us to "keep going".  Quite frankly, that's BULLSHIT!

Why is this bullshit? Well, we all grieve differently.  When someone close to us dies, we may not feel (or want to feel) the emotions right away; we may feel them in spurts; or we may need weeks or a month to really be with our grief to go back to life.  I have been feeling my emotions in spurts and it's been an interesting ride.  I'll feel totally fine for a minute and then anger will set in, followed by sadness, which leaves me weeping.  Today is definitely a little smoother, but Wednesday just plain sucked.  I really acknowledged how I felt at every moment, and when the self-judgments would enter my mind, I would say, "Okay, thank you for sharing, but fuck off and I don't care!"  I don't care if I feel sad and I'm at work.  I don't care if I feel angry about what you just said to me.  It's not you, I just don't feel good. So let me NOT feel good.

This experience has taught me how people in our culture mask their emotions.  Grief is such a huge,heavy place to be in and we don't give ourselves the permission sometimes to feel it and accept it.  At least, for me, I am completely aware and present with my emotions, so I know the emotions will come and go.  But not everyone accepts these emotions with kindness and compassion.  So the more you resist the emotions that are showing up, the grief will persist.  From my experience, I know the emotions don't feel good and who wants to not feel good.  But I know it's something I have to feel in order to heal. 

I have also learned that I can't take on other people's stuff, especially during these times.  If people are going to react to how I'm feeling, so be it.  It's not my problem.  Three years ago, I would not be saying this right now. I would be feeling bad for feeling bad.  But I feel more truth in myself these days.  I am authentic and real about this because it is what it is.  I appreciate the support from people and it's okay if I don't want it. I definitely didn't want it a couple days ago and that was fine and perfect. 

We all have to ride rollercoasters in life.  Some of them are fun and exhilarating; while some are fearful and draining.  The important thing is that we ALL ride them, it is just that we may be on a different one at that moment.  We may be on an even track just cruising.  It's all beautiful! Embrace it!