They can be so brutal sometimes. I don't mean this in a bad way necessarily. I do appreciate them because they do regulate things in my body and mine are pretty healthy as far as I know. So YAY to that! But in the past week they've been bringing up stuff.
A week ago, I had a night I couldn't sleep. Then over the past weekend, I experienced some PMS symptoms that I haven't felt in a LONG time. A lot of sadness and grief came up. I've been missing my family back east and my recently passed Nana and Baba. In the past, I used to have really bad PMS, to the point where I just let it take me over. But now, since my awareness has increased, that doesn't happen so much. In fact, I allowed myself to experience it all.
On Sunday, it was all psychological. I was anxious and moody. Everything seemed to trigger me. I got support from my husband, as well as a friend. I also had some time alone, which was the best because I had a nice, healthy cry. Then I took a bath with some lavendar oil. What a concept! Take a break, give myself and those a hormones some space! Didn't women do this WAY BACK in the day? Didn't they, and everyone in the community, honor it? There's a book called "The Red Tent" that reflects this practice. I haven't read it yet, but plan to. So after taking the bath, I felt a little better.
Then Monday came it was all somatic. My body ached and I had brain fog. Again, when I got home, I took a bath with lavender and it eased the tension, so I could feel. I couldn't sleep that night either, but this time it only took an hour for me to fall asleep. As I laid in bed, I ran my energy pattern, a technique used in a lot of different energy work. I drew my attention to my right foot and started to trace a path up my leg, but it kept stopping at my pelvis. I did this 3 more times and it stopped in the same place, so I gave all my attention and breath to this area. It made sense, especially for this time of the month. Even my ovaries were active. After about 5 minutes, I started the path again and it went all the way up my body and didn't stop. I could finally go to sleep. YAY!
I really feel it's important for women to honor these times in their lives. We really don't do it enough. We tend to hold it in, and then forget to release it. I feel my hormones triggered these emotions of grief sadness for a reason. It's as if a part of my body needed to release it, and then my hormones were there as a back up. To let me know, there's some stuff that just has to go. I used to judge and criticize myself for feeling the way I feel during this time of the month, but not anymore. It's apart of a woman's life, so it's time to embrace it and not fight it.
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Friday, February 18, 2011
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Anger-sadness-anger-sadness-anger-sadness......
What a powerful emotion. I've been in the thick of it for the past few days, and it does what it usually does: bouncing back and forth to sadness. So many things have surfaced from my past, I don't know if it's just random memories or things that were unresolved that I need to resolve with myself or with that person I wronged in some way. I know you can't forgive someone, unless you forgive yourself first. It's SOOOOO HARD! I feel I'm close, but then something fogs up my vision and I fall back to that dark place. Depression.
It's very draining. I'm so aware of my emotions and where they're coming from. It's hard to articulate that to people sometimes, especially those close to you. Although, I can't control how others react, I still want them to know that I'm JUST angry and it's nothing on them.
Right now, I feel so done with this (as stated in my previous post) because it's so draining. In the past, I used to hold lots of anger inside my body, which came out in not so great ways. Now that my body has let go of that strategy, the emotion has to come out! Of course this is a good thing and I would much rather have it this way.
I guess my drainage is from the fluctuations from anger to sadness over and over. In my experience, sadness has always followed anger, and vice versa. Lately, it's been bouncing off each other like a raquetball gone wild in the court. When will that ball slow down? What's setting it off? Last night before falling asleep, all these memories of an ex-boyfriend came into my conscious. He was my first love, and when he broke up with me, I was so heart-broken I really felt lost. I couldn't stop caling him, and when I would see him, I was a total bitch. I was only 14 at the time and he was 17. He was so sweet to me in our relationship, even up until he broke up with me. He had no direction, no goals, and he had just graduated high school. He didn't want to hold me back. Although he explained it to me at the time, I couldn't help but think it was me. Something was wrong with me. I personalized it and blamed myself, which, OMG! I pretty much did in every relationship after that! HA HA! LOL!
Wow, it's amazing what writing can do :-)
I know this connects to a lot of things I'm still processing and working through. I'm shedding the layers; releasing things that don't serve me anymore. It's grief. Grief over losses in my life that had left me confused, lost, and uncertain. It still amazes me how one little thing can trigger such a big thing inside you. How it can take you back to the source, the cause, the root. This makes me think about Buddhism and the concept of suffering (but I'm not going to go there right now).
Seriously, Wow! It's amazing what writing can do.
It's very draining. I'm so aware of my emotions and where they're coming from. It's hard to articulate that to people sometimes, especially those close to you. Although, I can't control how others react, I still want them to know that I'm JUST angry and it's nothing on them.
Right now, I feel so done with this (as stated in my previous post) because it's so draining. In the past, I used to hold lots of anger inside my body, which came out in not so great ways. Now that my body has let go of that strategy, the emotion has to come out! Of course this is a good thing and I would much rather have it this way.
I guess my drainage is from the fluctuations from anger to sadness over and over. In my experience, sadness has always followed anger, and vice versa. Lately, it's been bouncing off each other like a raquetball gone wild in the court. When will that ball slow down? What's setting it off? Last night before falling asleep, all these memories of an ex-boyfriend came into my conscious. He was my first love, and when he broke up with me, I was so heart-broken I really felt lost. I couldn't stop caling him, and when I would see him, I was a total bitch. I was only 14 at the time and he was 17. He was so sweet to me in our relationship, even up until he broke up with me. He had no direction, no goals, and he had just graduated high school. He didn't want to hold me back. Although he explained it to me at the time, I couldn't help but think it was me. Something was wrong with me. I personalized it and blamed myself, which, OMG! I pretty much did in every relationship after that! HA HA! LOL!
Wow, it's amazing what writing can do :-)
I know this connects to a lot of things I'm still processing and working through. I'm shedding the layers; releasing things that don't serve me anymore. It's grief. Grief over losses in my life that had left me confused, lost, and uncertain. It still amazes me how one little thing can trigger such a big thing inside you. How it can take you back to the source, the cause, the root. This makes me think about Buddhism and the concept of suffering (but I'm not going to go there right now).
Seriously, Wow! It's amazing what writing can do.
Friday, May 14, 2010
The Grief Rollercoaster
I've been on a very "rollie" rollercoaster the past few days. I got back Monday night from the east coast, where I attended my Nana's wake and funeral. I took Tuesday off to rest and then back to work on Wednesday. This definitely wasn't enough time for me. I could have used more time for myself, but this society we live in kind of pushes us to "keep going". Quite frankly, that's BULLSHIT!
Why is this bullshit? Well, we all grieve differently. When someone close to us dies, we may not feel (or want to feel) the emotions right away; we may feel them in spurts; or we may need weeks or a month to really be with our grief to go back to life. I have been feeling my emotions in spurts and it's been an interesting ride. I'll feel totally fine for a minute and then anger will set in, followed by sadness, which leaves me weeping. Today is definitely a little smoother, but Wednesday just plain sucked. I really acknowledged how I felt at every moment, and when the self-judgments would enter my mind, I would say, "Okay, thank you for sharing, but fuck off and I don't care!" I don't care if I feel sad and I'm at work. I don't care if I feel angry about what you just said to me. It's not you, I just don't feel good. So let me NOT feel good.
This experience has taught me how people in our culture mask their emotions. Grief is such a huge,heavy place to be in and we don't give ourselves the permission sometimes to feel it and accept it. At least, for me, I am completely aware and present with my emotions, so I know the emotions will come and go. But not everyone accepts these emotions with kindness and compassion. So the more you resist the emotions that are showing up, the grief will persist. From my experience, I know the emotions don't feel good and who wants to not feel good. But I know it's something I have to feel in order to heal.
I have also learned that I can't take on other people's stuff, especially during these times. If people are going to react to how I'm feeling, so be it. It's not my problem. Three years ago, I would not be saying this right now. I would be feeling bad for feeling bad. But I feel more truth in myself these days. I am authentic and real about this because it is what it is. I appreciate the support from people and it's okay if I don't want it. I definitely didn't want it a couple days ago and that was fine and perfect.
We all have to ride rollercoasters in life. Some of them are fun and exhilarating; while some are fearful and draining. The important thing is that we ALL ride them, it is just that we may be on a different one at that moment. We may be on an even track just cruising. It's all beautiful! Embrace it!
Why is this bullshit? Well, we all grieve differently. When someone close to us dies, we may not feel (or want to feel) the emotions right away; we may feel them in spurts; or we may need weeks or a month to really be with our grief to go back to life. I have been feeling my emotions in spurts and it's been an interesting ride. I'll feel totally fine for a minute and then anger will set in, followed by sadness, which leaves me weeping. Today is definitely a little smoother, but Wednesday just plain sucked. I really acknowledged how I felt at every moment, and when the self-judgments would enter my mind, I would say, "Okay, thank you for sharing, but fuck off and I don't care!" I don't care if I feel sad and I'm at work. I don't care if I feel angry about what you just said to me. It's not you, I just don't feel good. So let me NOT feel good.
This experience has taught me how people in our culture mask their emotions. Grief is such a huge,heavy place to be in and we don't give ourselves the permission sometimes to feel it and accept it. At least, for me, I am completely aware and present with my emotions, so I know the emotions will come and go. But not everyone accepts these emotions with kindness and compassion. So the more you resist the emotions that are showing up, the grief will persist. From my experience, I know the emotions don't feel good and who wants to not feel good. But I know it's something I have to feel in order to heal.
I have also learned that I can't take on other people's stuff, especially during these times. If people are going to react to how I'm feeling, so be it. It's not my problem. Three years ago, I would not be saying this right now. I would be feeling bad for feeling bad. But I feel more truth in myself these days. I am authentic and real about this because it is what it is. I appreciate the support from people and it's okay if I don't want it. I definitely didn't want it a couple days ago and that was fine and perfect.
We all have to ride rollercoasters in life. Some of them are fun and exhilarating; while some are fearful and draining. The important thing is that we ALL ride them, it is just that we may be on a different one at that moment. We may be on an even track just cruising. It's all beautiful! Embrace it!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Death
it's hard being so far away when someone you love dies. my nana was strong all the way through but her little body just got tuckered out. i'm glad i got to see her one last time last weekend before she exited from the earth. now it's back home again to say those last good-byes and i-love-yous.
death is an interesting thing. we hope our loved ones live on in another place. a beautiful, calm place. we are all energy and we don't really die, it's only the bodies that we inhabit for our time on earth. at least that's what i believe and there are many beliefs out there. as i stood next to her, even though she was out because of the morphine, i know she could hear me. little twitches and even smiles would show and that comforted me. pictures of my grandfather, baba, were next to her and i knew he was there. he was there waiting for her. waiting to ease her suffering. waiting so that their souls can be together forever. as i thought these things, i felt so many emotions: sadness, love and pain, but it was beautiful. it was peaceful. it was profound. being with death is a powerful thing because you think of your own mortality and those present in your life. you also think of those who have already transcended which can be good because it's undone grief.
i know she's at peace now. i know she's reunited with my grandfather and all her family and friends who, too have passed. what things can we do for ourselves during this time?
it's amazing how my appetite has decreased, even my water intake. i force myself to just do eat and drink because i know i have to. i know things will get easier no matter how long the funk is here. it's temporary and i will move through it. right now it's about moving through the funk no matter how thick, a sludgy it is. gotta get through the dark to get to light.
death is an interesting thing. we hope our loved ones live on in another place. a beautiful, calm place. we are all energy and we don't really die, it's only the bodies that we inhabit for our time on earth. at least that's what i believe and there are many beliefs out there. as i stood next to her, even though she was out because of the morphine, i know she could hear me. little twitches and even smiles would show and that comforted me. pictures of my grandfather, baba, were next to her and i knew he was there. he was there waiting for her. waiting to ease her suffering. waiting so that their souls can be together forever. as i thought these things, i felt so many emotions: sadness, love and pain, but it was beautiful. it was peaceful. it was profound. being with death is a powerful thing because you think of your own mortality and those present in your life. you also think of those who have already transcended which can be good because it's undone grief.
i know she's at peace now. i know she's reunited with my grandfather and all her family and friends who, too have passed. what things can we do for ourselves during this time?
it's amazing how my appetite has decreased, even my water intake. i force myself to just do eat and drink because i know i have to. i know things will get easier no matter how long the funk is here. it's temporary and i will move through it. right now it's about moving through the funk no matter how thick, a sludgy it is. gotta get through the dark to get to light.
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