Spending on myself

since a lot of money stuff has come over the past month, spending any money on myself has been at the WAY bottom of the list.  so. that right away, doesn't feel good.  yes, i have bills to pay, but so does everyone, right?  I want to enjoy life; not let something like paying bills get in the way.  it has to be done. it's an ongoing thing. 

my birthday is coming up in a couple weeks ( a week and a half).  my husband had suggested going to a nice bed and breakfast somewhere along the coast.  well, my "money program" kicked in and said, "No Way are you going anywhere! It's going to be expensive and a waste of money".  Okay, that makes me feel like shit right away.  In fact, the tears are coming.  it's a special day to be celebrated; so why these beliefs? where did they come from? I'm SO DONE! i know i've said that before, but it keeps coming up for me.  what is this force trying to teach me?

I could read the book on it; go to a workshop on it; and continue to process it with my therapist.  I know I've made some progress, but when I find myself right back at those negative thoughts and beliefs, it feels like I've taken a step back.  The flow is being cut off.  Something is causing me to paddle up the river.  Ugh.

Since my birthday is coming up, I began to think about what I want to spend on myself.  First of all, I'm taking the day off because it falls on a Wednesday and I'm NOT working, so that's a start.  I keep seeing specials for spas and massages, so I think I'm going to go to a spa for a part of the day, get me a massage, maybe a facial and my toes done.  That right away made me feel better!  Regardless if my husband wants to treat me or help me out with it, I AM GOING TO LOVE IT! I want to ALLOW myself to spend money on myself. I want to pamper and LOVE myself on MY DAY.  I want to APPRECIATE and ACCEPT myself for where I'm at.  We all know the saying, "we only live once."  But what does that really mean?  I could analyze it but I'm not going to. 

How do you feel when you spend on yourself? How often do you do it? What feelings come up? I would love to know, even if this isn't a problem for you.