Performing privately in the public

I took a performance workshop/lab over the  weekend.  My friend/collaborator ran the workshop for her research toward her MFA graduate work at UCLA.  We did a series of exercises that investigated relationships, intimacy, witness/viewer/performer, and installation art (placing random objects in space).  Each exercise was specific in its own, but it all meshed together at the end of the workshop when we showed our work to each other and outside viewers.

It's hard to describe the experience in words, so I'll do my best.  For me,  the workshop pushed me to take risks as a performance artist.  This triggered some things inside me as well such as the fear of failure (if those risks are taken), being seen, and belonging.  I've gotten better at accepting these fears through performance, but this was the icing on the cake!

The last two exercises of the workshop were placing objects--both personal and random--in space together.  All 5 of us participated in this in many ways.  We took turns placing the objects and then would view it from all angles and directions.  At one point, one of the participants began to interact with the objects and then became an object with the objects.  After that, we individually set up our own installations in different parts of space, hence bringing that private into the public.  I chose a hallway in back of the theater.  My installation (and I wish I took a picture!) consisted of a sheet of paper with lipstick kisses, smears, and marks. Each mark had a different amount of Rx pills in each one (the Rx was my old anti-depressants) labeled M, T, W, Th, Fr, Sat, Sun and ?. Along with that was a bottle of saki, spray starch can labeled "Faultless", a compact mirror, red lipstick tube, hand santizer, a magic marker and a "to do" list, which read: Breathe, ground, spit, sleep, TP, paper towels.  I had checked off certain items with the lipstick. Also, there were crumpled up paper towels with lipstick marks.  Now close your eyes and imagine all that!

Then, lastly, we had to come up with a 3-5 minute performance that would be done in any part of the space, with any objects, music, sounds, and it was for just one person.  In some way, this intimate performance had to perceive the giving of a gift in some way.  This starts to bring in the intimacy, relationship, private-in-the-public themes.  I did mine in the restroom, which had two public shower stalls.  I placed my installation piece on the sink, and then did my performance in one of the shower stalls with the viewer sitting in a chair in front of it.  I had a plant-watering can in the shower with me. The only instructions I gave the viewer was to open the shower curtain when they heard the water.  I began watering the area around me in the shower.  Then I tipped the watering can over me and let the water splash onto me (I had a stretch pants and an tank top on).  After I set the watering can down in the shower, I gently smoothed the water on me in a specific way each time--like a cleansing ritual.  Then I take a towel and carefully dried myself off and dropped the towel to the floor.  I pick up a red lipstick and compact mirror and applied the lipstick.  I put them down and harshly took off the lipstick with a paper towel, throwing it on the floor violently.  I grab the lipstick and mirror, then go to the viewer, take their hand and bring them just outside the shower stall.  I put the lipstick in their hand to put onto me, which most complied to do.  Then I motioned for them to put it on themselves, which most did comply.  I turn the mirror towards them so they can view themselves with the lipstick on; then I take a paper towel and blot my lips with one end and have them blot the other end. I shape it into a flower, so you can see the lipstick blots.  I step out of the shower and place the paper flower on the shower stall floor.  I pick the watering can up and water the paper flower.  I stop and stare at it with the viewer, and then turn to them and say, "thank you", prompting the end of the performance.  I did this 4 times in a row. 

Again, it's hard to describe how I felt, but it was amazing to hear the feedback from the audience/viewers about every piece.  The feelings and thoughts that came up for people were:

-I felt obligated
-I felt uncomfortable, like I shouldn't be there
-It touched me, and reminded me of what I'm going through in my own life
-I wanted to leave
-I wanted to run away

Everyone loved the experience because they had never experienced a performance like that before, and neither did I!  It effected them in many ways, but it was wonderful how open and honest they were in their feedback.  It was very validating for me because there was one person who didn't comply with the lipstick in my piece, and when he expressed his thoughts and feelings, I felt better about it.  The mind chatter was definitely in full force before, during, and after each viewing.  So after hearing all the viewers speak, I felt acknowledged, heard and seen. 

I've decided to try this out at friend's living spaces to see what happens.  I think it would be powerful, scary, and fun!

Becoming clear and the Diego Pinon experience

It's Tuesday and I'm still processing my weekend. I really don't have the words to really clearly define the experience, all I know is, it happened and it was for a reason.  I took a workshop with Diego Pinon called Butoh Ritual Mexicano.  I have always wanted to take a workshop with Diego after hearing from friends who studied with him.  I went in there with no expectations.  (I don't want this to be a review of the workshop so go to www.diegopinon.com to find out more about Diego and Butoh Ritual).  Since his work draws a lot from energy work itself, I couldn't help but know and feel that my mind, body and spirit needed this.

There were so many different exercises that created this collective with everyone in the group.  Giving and receiving energy non-stop and feeling, feeling, feeling.......In a nutshell, the whole weekend was about feeling.  There's no other way to put it.  We were all feeling things moment to moment and moving and dancing from that feeling inside all of us.  If you can't feel whatever is inside you, why perform? why share? This was the ongoing inquiry Diego presented all weekend.

During and after this workshop, I became more clear about my desires and needs of my path.  It allowed me to see the power and importance of connection with others.  How we're always wanting to connect with others on a deeper level, yet our culture, world, society may view this as inappropriate or there's a time and place for that.  Why can't we connect all the time on these deeper, conscious levels?  I know many people have fears, but that's just one of the so-called "reasons".  I decided for myself that I not only want to connect more and more with my deeper self, but a LOT MORE with others through this work I experienced over the weekend.  I want to help, support and guide others to do this in my yoga classes and dance workshops.

I also became more clear about this stage in my business.  Since I will be relocating back to the east coast in a year, I decided to use the time I have in the SF Bay Area to learn from what I have to offer and enjoy it at the same time.  In other words, ENJOY what I'm doing! No matter what it is, allow myself to feel it all.  I have been in this paradox for quite some time, but I finally feel that I can go with it without fear and doubt, as long as I ask for support and know it's there.