Going home....

Going home used to be a bunch of mixed feelings. Depending on the time of year, I would think about weather, how many people I could see in THE amount of time and was I going to have time to myself. sometimes these thoughts turned into worries and concerns and then eventually into anxiety attacks, but now it's more clear. a lot has happened in these past few months. joe and i had to go to the east coast twice. once unexpectedly because of a friend's passing and the other for a friend's wedding. 2 quite different extremes i must say. i look forward to seeing who i am going to see and hope to see. then a week ago finding out another person i knew passed away really gave me a shove, a push. what the fucks going? so many memories of this person began coming into my space and mind. i used to hang out with his sister all the time in elementary and middle school. then in high school, we went our different ways but still remained civil.

it's going home that reconnects me to the past while being in the present. it's very surreal and emotional just acknowledging it right now. being 3000 miles away from home is what makes it so surreal. then i go home and there's this energy in the air i don't know what to do with but just be with. as i would look on facebook of all the people who knew ivan, i would see faces of people who once knew me in the past. how disconnected i was from myself then. i would think, "did they see that?", "was i really not aware?". then again, it was high school. i wasn't a happy person inside even though i was a pro at showing it on the outside.

so i look forward to going home with so much comfort and ease now. i hope to meet up with some of these people and friends of the past. it's not to show them that i turned out fine, but to just see them again. talk to them. love them. i want to let go of all those judgments i had of myself and them. yes, i want freedom and joy! Bring it on universe!

happy holidays!