It's like the yin and yang; love and hate; knowing and not knowing; wanting and not wanting; forward and backwards. We are either in one or the other, or somewhere in between. For the past year, I have been working towards the positive, joyful side of things, even when they are not so good. Through this inner work, I have learned to not be so hard on myself when things happen. I have also realized that there are no accidents. Things happen for a reason. They happen in order to wake us up, to see an aspect of ourselves right in front of us. There may be certain people that show up in our lives that bring us joy or drive us crazy! It is when we ask the question, "Why?" in these situations. Why did this happen to me? Why can't this person just go away? Why did this person go away? There's nothing wrong asking why, but sometimes we get stuck there, we blame ourselves and others, put ourselves down, believe we don't deserve anything better or never will. We all have these thoughts, but do we really check into our bodies and feel? Do these thoughts really feel good? Are they serving you in order to move forward in life? Do you want to move forward? I could go on and on with this inquiry, but I am choosing not to because we all know what we want. Once we listen to our bodies and minds, it's when our spirit, our true selves begin to shine through.
Being in the thick of it
It was this past weekend when I had an awakening. An Ah-Ha moment. A realization. Whatever you want to call it. For the past few months, my menstrual periods were very heavy and lasted longer than 10, sometimes, up to 14 days. I decided to do something about it, so I went to see my doctor. I got blood work done and she decided to schedule me for an ultrasound to do an overall check up. My blood work showed that I was anemic and then the ultrasound showed a thickening in the lining of my uterus which part of it turned out to be a polyp, along with that, a cyst on my right ovary. So my doctor told me I needed a D & C (click here for more info), removal of the cyst and an IUD to keep the lining of my uterus thin. This was a mouth full. This was a lot! When I left the office, I cried. I felt like I did something wrong. The next day it was "I did this to myself". "I am unhealthy". "Why did this happen to me?!"
Then it was in my therapy session that I began to feel what my body was feeling. Having a therapist trained in somatic and other mind/body studies was very beneficial for me at that moment. She asked me to check in with that area (2nd chakra), where our reproductive organs live. A surge of resistance came over me. It was as if my consciousness wanted to completely cut itself off from that area. In the past, I had some trauma around this area and a lot of it is still stored there. Even though, I have done a lot of healing around it, it still can surface. The body memory will always be there. As I resisted, it persisted. I began to allow some of it out and my body began saying, "ugly, gross, and unhealthy". Of course, in my mind, I knew this wasn't true. For years, I was always up in my head about things that happened to me and here was my body telling me things! I was grateful to acknowledge this because it was obviously a part of me that was getting triggered, but a part of me that I had chose to bury away.
Awakening
When the weekend came, I was feeling great because I had the Yoga Journal Conference to look forward to. My intention for the weekend was to be inspired and find connection in myself and others. The three workshops I attended were so interrelated; I didn't even realize it until after I took them. The first was about tuning into your energy centers (chakras) with asana (poses) and mantras. As I made the sounds for each one in the corresponding asana, I began to feel shifts and energy move. It was a very healing sequence of asana because the teacher had us focus on something that related to ourselves and that chakra, whether it was a person or a life experience. Then we would make the sound, breath and let whatever or whoever it was go. Then the second workshop was Yin Yoga, a style of yoga where you hold a pose (all floor poses) for 3-5 minutes, in order stretch the connective tissues, stimulate meridians and have a more quiet, inward practice. We did a lot of hip openers, allowing me to surrender and let go into the pose. When savasana came, the teacher had another teacher sing a beautiful Tibetan chant. The emotions that began to surface felt like a wave inside my abdomen, and then I was crying. I felt safe knowing that this was the healing process, plus I was in a room full of yogis on their own path. After a two hour break, I went to my third and final workshop, which was called "Body Prayer: Entering the Temple". The title says it all. Throughout the yoga practice, the teacher spoke about how we are all one, mind-body-spirit. That there is no separation. We are all similar beings striving for love, connection and community; that we need to let go of our judgments on others and ourselves in order to live our lives. I got choked up during the short lecture, and then while in pigeon pose, I began to ride that wave from the previous workshop. Another juicy hip opener, but then again, the whole practice was hip openers. This area that I disconnected myself from began to shine and speak to me. I suddenly felt whole. I felt light. I felt like I could do anything. Say anything. Love myself. Love this area that I ignored for so long.
Moving forward
I want to clarify that this process can take time. I have been learning to listen to my body for years. Yoga is what really began this journey. My dance and movement training became the catalyst, the self-expression of all the inner conflicts and emotions. My holistic health training provided many tools on feeling my emotions, listening to my needs, the body's sensations and the mind. Then, finally massage training, being a total body experience, also supports the integration of the mind, body and spirit. As I move forward, I realize by going through my various trainings, it was about connecting with me as a whole person. Learning to see the beauty and the positive in others and day-to-day experiences, whether you're at work, school, walking down the street. When I started my holistic health program back in March 2008, we had to create our life's purpose. My life purpose was, "I am love and acceptance". This still rings true for me because through this whole experience, I have begun to see that loving what is moves us through the dark and the fear a little more easily. Acceptance goes along with love. We love our family, friends and partners no matter what choices they made in their life. But remember that, it is all a process and it may take our whole lives to get there. I know I have a long way to go. But if we begin to, at least exercise our consciousness by playing with these concepts, little by little we begin to make baby steps towards what we want and let our spirits shine.
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