knowing, feeling, waiting, preparing

It's one thing when you don't know, and then when you do know, the feelings erupt. I recently found out that I have anemia, a thickening in the lining of my uterus and cyst on my right ovary. As the doctor said, it's nothing serious and quite common among women, I couldn't help but feel the feelings. She explained very gently and thoroughly what I would need done: iron supplements with extra fiber; a D & C (Dilation (or dilatation) and curettage); removal of the cyst and an IUD to keep the lining thin. As I began to digest the information as to why this procedure needs to be done, I had a clear understanding in a logic sense.

However, once I left the feelings set in: fear, anger, sadness, worry, etc. I also began thinking, "Why me?" "What did I do wrong?" "I thought I took care of myself?" "I did this to my self" and so on and so on.....

Of course the feelings continued as I began the waiting period. Waiting for the office to call me to schedule this thing. Of course, I talked to all the women in my life and the majority have had a D & C and, although, they told me I had nothing to worry about, I couldn't help but feel scared of the unknown. It's like, Yes, thank you, but I'VE NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE! I also have never had a real surgery before, except for my wisdom teeth, in which I was awake for that. Being "put under" doesn't sit well with me. Not knowing what people are doing to you, even though it was explained, is still scary. Especially in that area! I've done a lot of healing in this area (2nd chakra) and it continues. I had this experience last week where I wanted to disconnect myself from it. My body began to talk to me, but it was a lot of old, past stuff. I knew in my mind the things weren't true, but it was what my body was feeling. Making that body connection is so vital. The body never lies! It's the mind that can make up all sorts of stuff, which I'll go into more detail in another post.

Now that I'm in preparation, it's all scheduled, I'm a little relaxed but still feeling and have to wait! It's next Wednesday and there's still things to do before then, like get my job stuff squared away, school notified, bloodwork, life, etc.

Through all of this, I'm very grateful that it's not something serious. As I would hear the mind chatter, there is always the voice that comes in and says, "It could be worse" and "Everything is going to be okay". I know deep down it is, but it's sooo easy to go to the dark place. The easy route because it's the most familiar. I'm also grateful for the support I have from my husband, friends, coworkers and family. I'm very lucky. I find myself back to the light always....