How do you make yourself small?

This was the first question I read from my favorite blogs and websites, The Daily Love or TDL. Wow, what a way to stir the pot! Mastin Kipp, founder/author of TDL, talks about how we make excuses for why we can’t get what we want in life. Even when we allow ourselves those moments to dream about that dream job, house, car, vacation, relationship, business, etc., we make excuses as to why it can’t or never will happen. In the past, I always had an excuse for why I couldn’t do something.

While I was in Yoga Teacher Training, we had our Teaching Methods class, which was very challenging for me. I got so nervous standing in front of my teacher and classmates teaching a pose, that I started to shake, speak too low, sweat, and forget the main actions of the pose. I had a tough teacher, who would chime in A LOT to correct us, and I know now, all she wanted was for us to be the best teachers ever.

But I took it so personally, that I created the belief that I was a failure at everything and wasn’t good enough.

I also had a need to be understood, heard and loved, but my negative self-talk (aka Mind Chatter) would make me wrong for the way I was feeling (frustration, sadness) because I had another belief/story that it’s wrong to feel frustration, anger, or sadness.

Although I got teaching opportunities after my training, this belief (which affected everything in my life) still hung over me to the extent that I almost quit teaching. However, I know these beliefs started a long time ago, and through lots of personal growth work over the years, I realized these beliefs were not me and not true.

What we say and think about ourselves matters. I learned this through Marshall Rosenberg’s amazing process of Nonviolent Communication, which teaches us to openly and honestly express our feelings and needs without judgment.

He says “Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.”

In other words, we tend to make ourselves or others wrong for feeling angry, frustrated, or sad, when really it all stems from a need not being met and that we may not aware of.

So what beliefs do you have? What statements/excuses do you tell yourself why something is? The ones I have heard myself say and others say are: I’m too old; it’s just too hard; I’m not good enough; I don’t deserve it; they won’t like/believe me.

These are the beliefs that hold us back from getting what we want and are needs met. But what we forget is that the Universe provides everything; and when we ask for those desires through affirmation or prayer, we need to feel that light and joy of possibility when we put it out there. That we are worthy and deserving. That we are not our thoughts, stories or beliefs. We are love, light and apart of this world.

So I invite you to track these thoughts or beliefs that you tell yourself. Write them down throughout the day, and then see what feeling or emotion is attached to it.

For example, my past story was, “I’m not good enough. I feel sad and depressed because I have a need for acceptance, to be heard and understood.”

So be aware of the challenges in your life, but don’t let them stop you. We all have challenges, but we also have choices.

Letting go of....

I'm feeling very melancholy on this foggy, wet Monday morning. I would like to say it's because of the weather; or that it's PMS. But I feel something within me that's letting go. Something that's not serving me anymore, but isn't exactly ready to leave. It's old. It's from the past. It's heavy.

It is an old way of being that needs acknowledgment; to be heard; to be understood; and to be loved. Although, I don't exactly know what it is right now, it's okay. I'm okay with that. There's no judgment. Just inquiry. Why does my abdomen feel fluttery? Why does my heart ache? Why can't I just let go?

That last question can really charge me, especially if someone asks me that from a place of anger or frustration. Is it really me, or is it something the other person can't let go of? Then again, it's okay to be angry; and it's unfortunate not everyone expresses their anger. It usually gets bottled up inside, and then explodes.

I wish I knew how to just "let go" of a feeling, thought, or situation. When I can't, that's when I know I need time to process the emotions because once I can do that, whatever it is that's eating me up, will evaporate and flow away. I will sit quietly and meditate, do yoga, talk to a friend, journal, or just cry.

I recognize my needs. I also do my best to recognize others' needs. But in any relationship, are we suppose to be mind-readers? I do my best to recognize this, but if I don't and it's important to that person, is it my responsibility to weed it out of them, or can the other play their part in expressing their needs?

These are just questions, and I'm asking them without blaming or judgment. I don't want to label anybody the "bad guy", so I can be the "good guy". That's not what it's about.

I feel we could all take more responsibility for our actions and emotions. I feel we could all be more open, honest, and authentic about how we really feel in the moment. Not a day, week, month or year ago. I feel it's important because we ALL matter. Everything we're about, matters, especially when we're in a relationship; at work; with our family; and to ourselves.

So my affirmations today are:

-I choose to learn
-I let go

These affirmations are from a VERY favorite blog I follow called The Daily Love. Click here to read the post that inspired me to write this one.

In love and light,
-Liz

Gratitude to the MAX

I'm so grateful for all the birthday wishes I got yesterday. I really love facebook for that! It really makes you feel so special and popular when all the people you know in your life write wonderful things on your personal wall. It really made my day.

I'm also grateful for my husband, and all that I have: an apartment near Golden Gate Park, a great job, my cats, my car, my family. I was reading a post from one of the blogs I follow this morning and it was about loving everything that you have already in your life, and focusing on the good things. It was a great reminder, even though everyday I focus on at least one thing going well, I can find myself focusing on what I don't have or what's bad on some days. At least I can catch myself now when it happens. I can refocus and redirect my attention, and if it's difficult I get support from my wonderful community. We all fall into that every now and then, and it's okay! Sometimes we have to be in the funky feelings to get to the more joyous feelings. Allow yourself the space and time, but also be aware of how long the funky ones last.

What are you grateful for in your life?

Safety

This past week I've realized how important it is to feel safe. When we don't feel safe in situations, what happens to you? For me, I can go into panic mode; my thoughts scatter; my body shakes; my heart races; and I sweat. I also feel it in my in my lower chakras, especially the 1st (survival) and 3rd (power and will). When our safety is threatened, we all react in different ways. It depends on our life experiences too, for instance, did something happen to us in the past that made us so scared.

I had a moment this week when these feelings of fear and unsafety came up. Although, this particular situation wasn't exactly unsafe, it triggered some old stuff. Most of the symptoms I described above occurred. I was conscious of what was going on and overall felt like I handled the situation very well. But why was I having the thoughts I was having? Thoughts such as, "I should've kept my mouth shut", "I'm going to get fired", "people are going to hate me", "I shouldn't stand up for myself because people won't like me", and so on. With the help of a professional, I went into a more deeper self-inquiry; however, I resisted! I even began to disassociate, and ignore the feelings in my body. But that didn't last.

The feelings of fear, scared and unsafe came and I let myself cry and be scared. Memories of people in the past washed over me like waves crashing on the shore. The controlling college roommate and ex-boyfriend. It's interesting that it was these two particular people because they both had some psych issues at that time. So no wonder I felt unsafe! At the time, I believed, if I spoke my mind, bad things would happen to me. That these people would hate me and tell others that I am a bad person. Of course, I know now that wasn't the case. I had friends after I finally took control of my life and removed these people from my space. But I remember feeling so scared and terrified of being myself. Expressing who I am and expressing my needs! I'm amazed at how my body handled this back then and now. This was a trauma to the body and psyche; and there were some leftovers from it the other day. It was confusing, but I knew it was something deeper than the situation at hand.

I'm glad I'm mindful and aware of my feelings. Of course, it's not always fun (LOL), it needs to be acknowledged, especially strong, intense feelings. Usually, in that situation, I would've just brushed it off and moved on, but it didn't go away. It lingered.

So, when it lingers, stop and ask yourself: Does this go deeper?

Becoming clear and the Diego Pinon experience

It's Tuesday and I'm still processing my weekend. I really don't have the words to really clearly define the experience, all I know is, it happened and it was for a reason.  I took a workshop with Diego Pinon called Butoh Ritual Mexicano.  I have always wanted to take a workshop with Diego after hearing from friends who studied with him.  I went in there with no expectations.  (I don't want this to be a review of the workshop so go to www.diegopinon.com to find out more about Diego and Butoh Ritual).  Since his work draws a lot from energy work itself, I couldn't help but know and feel that my mind, body and spirit needed this.

There were so many different exercises that created this collective with everyone in the group.  Giving and receiving energy non-stop and feeling, feeling, feeling.......In a nutshell, the whole weekend was about feeling.  There's no other way to put it.  We were all feeling things moment to moment and moving and dancing from that feeling inside all of us.  If you can't feel whatever is inside you, why perform? why share? This was the ongoing inquiry Diego presented all weekend.

During and after this workshop, I became more clear about my desires and needs of my path.  It allowed me to see the power and importance of connection with others.  How we're always wanting to connect with others on a deeper level, yet our culture, world, society may view this as inappropriate or there's a time and place for that.  Why can't we connect all the time on these deeper, conscious levels?  I know many people have fears, but that's just one of the so-called "reasons".  I decided for myself that I not only want to connect more and more with my deeper self, but a LOT MORE with others through this work I experienced over the weekend.  I want to help, support and guide others to do this in my yoga classes and dance workshops.

I also became more clear about this stage in my business.  Since I will be relocating back to the east coast in a year, I decided to use the time I have in the SF Bay Area to learn from what I have to offer and enjoy it at the same time.  In other words, ENJOY what I'm doing! No matter what it is, allow myself to feel it all.  I have been in this paradox for quite some time, but I finally feel that I can go with it without fear and doubt, as long as I ask for support and know it's there. 

knowing, feeling, waiting, preparing

It's one thing when you don't know, and then when you do know, the feelings erupt. I recently found out that I have anemia, a thickening in the lining of my uterus and cyst on my right ovary. As the doctor said, it's nothing serious and quite common among women, I couldn't help but feel the feelings. She explained very gently and thoroughly what I would need done: iron supplements with extra fiber; a D & C (Dilation (or dilatation) and curettage); removal of the cyst and an IUD to keep the lining thin. As I began to digest the information as to why this procedure needs to be done, I had a clear understanding in a logic sense.

However, once I left the feelings set in: fear, anger, sadness, worry, etc. I also began thinking, "Why me?" "What did I do wrong?" "I thought I took care of myself?" "I did this to my self" and so on and so on.....

Of course the feelings continued as I began the waiting period. Waiting for the office to call me to schedule this thing. Of course, I talked to all the women in my life and the majority have had a D & C and, although, they told me I had nothing to worry about, I couldn't help but feel scared of the unknown. It's like, Yes, thank you, but I'VE NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE! I also have never had a real surgery before, except for my wisdom teeth, in which I was awake for that. Being "put under" doesn't sit well with me. Not knowing what people are doing to you, even though it was explained, is still scary. Especially in that area! I've done a lot of healing in this area (2nd chakra) and it continues. I had this experience last week where I wanted to disconnect myself from it. My body began to talk to me, but it was a lot of old, past stuff. I knew in my mind the things weren't true, but it was what my body was feeling. Making that body connection is so vital. The body never lies! It's the mind that can make up all sorts of stuff, which I'll go into more detail in another post.

Now that I'm in preparation, it's all scheduled, I'm a little relaxed but still feeling and have to wait! It's next Wednesday and there's still things to do before then, like get my job stuff squared away, school notified, bloodwork, life, etc.

Through all of this, I'm very grateful that it's not something serious. As I would hear the mind chatter, there is always the voice that comes in and says, "It could be worse" and "Everything is going to be okay". I know deep down it is, but it's sooo easy to go to the dark place. The easy route because it's the most familiar. I'm also grateful for the support I have from my husband, friends, coworkers and family. I'm very lucky. I find myself back to the light always....