Safety

This past week I've realized how important it is to feel safe. When we don't feel safe in situations, what happens to you? For me, I can go into panic mode; my thoughts scatter; my body shakes; my heart races; and I sweat. I also feel it in my in my lower chakras, especially the 1st (survival) and 3rd (power and will). When our safety is threatened, we all react in different ways. It depends on our life experiences too, for instance, did something happen to us in the past that made us so scared.

I had a moment this week when these feelings of fear and unsafety came up. Although, this particular situation wasn't exactly unsafe, it triggered some old stuff. Most of the symptoms I described above occurred. I was conscious of what was going on and overall felt like I handled the situation very well. But why was I having the thoughts I was having? Thoughts such as, "I should've kept my mouth shut", "I'm going to get fired", "people are going to hate me", "I shouldn't stand up for myself because people won't like me", and so on. With the help of a professional, I went into a more deeper self-inquiry; however, I resisted! I even began to disassociate, and ignore the feelings in my body. But that didn't last.

The feelings of fear, scared and unsafe came and I let myself cry and be scared. Memories of people in the past washed over me like waves crashing on the shore. The controlling college roommate and ex-boyfriend. It's interesting that it was these two particular people because they both had some psych issues at that time. So no wonder I felt unsafe! At the time, I believed, if I spoke my mind, bad things would happen to me. That these people would hate me and tell others that I am a bad person. Of course, I know now that wasn't the case. I had friends after I finally took control of my life and removed these people from my space. But I remember feeling so scared and terrified of being myself. Expressing who I am and expressing my needs! I'm amazed at how my body handled this back then and now. This was a trauma to the body and psyche; and there were some leftovers from it the other day. It was confusing, but I knew it was something deeper than the situation at hand.

I'm glad I'm mindful and aware of my feelings. Of course, it's not always fun (LOL), it needs to be acknowledged, especially strong, intense feelings. Usually, in that situation, I would've just brushed it off and moved on, but it didn't go away. It lingered.

So, when it lingers, stop and ask yourself: Does this go deeper?

and so the river flows...

It's time to trust where i'm going.  no more paddling upstream. i'm so tired. allow it to take me on my journey and trust that it's going to be okay.  we're all on a river of our own experience, so let's support each other when we can. let's go with the flow.  when fear and resistance join us, let's take it for the ride, instead of making us stop. i want to go with the flow.  i want joy. i choose joy.

I am awake

It's happening now. In fact, it's happening a little too quickly! As I talked with my therapist yesterday, it all made sense.

Last weekend, my brother was in town.  We and my husband went to Bolinas, a beautiful town just north of Stinson Beach in Marin County.  As we waited for my husband outside a shop, my brother and I started talking about city life and what I was going to when I move back east. My brother and I are very close and get along very well.  But there were some things he said that began to trigger some old files.  It was when I began explaining why I was ready to move out of city life and what my business ideas were for when I moved back east. My brother was asking a mirad of questions, which is usually his manner anyway because he likes to know and understand what I'm doing.  But something in me stirred.  All of sudden, my throat began to close up and all I wanted to do was cry and run away.  I felt like I was defending myself and I didn't like it one bit.  I was so aware of what was happening, I did a good job of holding on and by that time, my husband returned. Thank you universe! But I also want to acknowledge the universe for my brother.  I love my brother and know how he operates, so he wasn't exhibiting any new behavior.  It was those questions he asked that triggered the old fear and self-judgment files that were still lingering within me; however, it was so strong I almost went into a panic attack.  I felt those emotions again as I explained the situation to my therapist and actually had a full-on panic attack right there!

This fear comes from the old self-judgments I used to constantly bash myself with:
I'm not good enough
I'm not smart enough
I'm not organized
There's not enough time and money
How will I ever run my own business?

What was so amazing, as I shed tears and pain from my chest and throat, was I began to laugh.  I said to my therapist, "I don't why I'm laughing." She replied, "It just means you're awake."  I thought, wow! I am awake! I know none of those judgments are true, yet I felt the pain from them and then I laughed about them.  It's also a paradox.  There it is again; but I have to say I'm grateful. It keeps me going and on my feet. It's a reminder and an inner alarm system.

So as I mentioned, it's all moving too quickly.  I have to trust the "flow" of events.  I have to trust myself and every choice I make whether it's right or wrong because how do I know if anything is right or wrong, unless I check in with myself and how I feel? I went too long feeling self-doubt and that came from those old files.  But over the years I cleaned them out and there is still bits left over. Why? To remind me.

knowing, feeling, waiting, preparing

It's one thing when you don't know, and then when you do know, the feelings erupt. I recently found out that I have anemia, a thickening in the lining of my uterus and cyst on my right ovary. As the doctor said, it's nothing serious and quite common among women, I couldn't help but feel the feelings. She explained very gently and thoroughly what I would need done: iron supplements with extra fiber; a D & C (Dilation (or dilatation) and curettage); removal of the cyst and an IUD to keep the lining thin. As I began to digest the information as to why this procedure needs to be done, I had a clear understanding in a logic sense.

However, once I left the feelings set in: fear, anger, sadness, worry, etc. I also began thinking, "Why me?" "What did I do wrong?" "I thought I took care of myself?" "I did this to my self" and so on and so on.....

Of course the feelings continued as I began the waiting period. Waiting for the office to call me to schedule this thing. Of course, I talked to all the women in my life and the majority have had a D & C and, although, they told me I had nothing to worry about, I couldn't help but feel scared of the unknown. It's like, Yes, thank you, but I'VE NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE! I also have never had a real surgery before, except for my wisdom teeth, in which I was awake for that. Being "put under" doesn't sit well with me. Not knowing what people are doing to you, even though it was explained, is still scary. Especially in that area! I've done a lot of healing in this area (2nd chakra) and it continues. I had this experience last week where I wanted to disconnect myself from it. My body began to talk to me, but it was a lot of old, past stuff. I knew in my mind the things weren't true, but it was what my body was feeling. Making that body connection is so vital. The body never lies! It's the mind that can make up all sorts of stuff, which I'll go into more detail in another post.

Now that I'm in preparation, it's all scheduled, I'm a little relaxed but still feeling and have to wait! It's next Wednesday and there's still things to do before then, like get my job stuff squared away, school notified, bloodwork, life, etc.

Through all of this, I'm very grateful that it's not something serious. As I would hear the mind chatter, there is always the voice that comes in and says, "It could be worse" and "Everything is going to be okay". I know deep down it is, but it's sooo easy to go to the dark place. The easy route because it's the most familiar. I'm also grateful for the support I have from my husband, friends, coworkers and family. I'm very lucky. I find myself back to the light always....

When fear sets in

I know purging the past either from your body, closet, basement, attic, etc is a good thing, but what happens when the fear sets in? I want to purge and process what's been coming up for me (from last post) but then I get that sensation in my stomach of butterflies and nerves. My body and self is definitely yearning for freedom and peace from all of this. It's very strong and I know I can do it. It's like I have to tell that voice of fear to "SHUT UP!" just so I can move on. Maybe it's because I had coffee this morning. I only did it because I need to get "things moving" in the ol' colon if you know what I mean. Then that tells me that something is either stuck or not ready to merge. Anyway, needed to get that off of my chest.