I am awake

It's happening now. In fact, it's happening a little too quickly! As I talked with my therapist yesterday, it all made sense.

Last weekend, my brother was in town.  We and my husband went to Bolinas, a beautiful town just north of Stinson Beach in Marin County.  As we waited for my husband outside a shop, my brother and I started talking about city life and what I was going to when I move back east. My brother and I are very close and get along very well.  But there were some things he said that began to trigger some old files.  It was when I began explaining why I was ready to move out of city life and what my business ideas were for when I moved back east. My brother was asking a mirad of questions, which is usually his manner anyway because he likes to know and understand what I'm doing.  But something in me stirred.  All of sudden, my throat began to close up and all I wanted to do was cry and run away.  I felt like I was defending myself and I didn't like it one bit.  I was so aware of what was happening, I did a good job of holding on and by that time, my husband returned. Thank you universe! But I also want to acknowledge the universe for my brother.  I love my brother and know how he operates, so he wasn't exhibiting any new behavior.  It was those questions he asked that triggered the old fear and self-judgment files that were still lingering within me; however, it was so strong I almost went into a panic attack.  I felt those emotions again as I explained the situation to my therapist and actually had a full-on panic attack right there!

This fear comes from the old self-judgments I used to constantly bash myself with:
I'm not good enough
I'm not smart enough
I'm not organized
There's not enough time and money
How will I ever run my own business?

What was so amazing, as I shed tears and pain from my chest and throat, was I began to laugh.  I said to my therapist, "I don't why I'm laughing." She replied, "It just means you're awake."  I thought, wow! I am awake! I know none of those judgments are true, yet I felt the pain from them and then I laughed about them.  It's also a paradox.  There it is again; but I have to say I'm grateful. It keeps me going and on my feet. It's a reminder and an inner alarm system.

So as I mentioned, it's all moving too quickly.  I have to trust the "flow" of events.  I have to trust myself and every choice I make whether it's right or wrong because how do I know if anything is right or wrong, unless I check in with myself and how I feel? I went too long feeling self-doubt and that came from those old files.  But over the years I cleaned them out and there is still bits left over. Why? To remind me.