Why I do yoga

This was a question I posed for myself in the previous post. As I practice yoga on a (almost) daily basis, I ask myself in the beginning of the practice, "Why do I practice yoga?", and then see where it leads me. Sometimes I forget I even asked myself this question, and continue on with my practice and day. Last Tuesday, when I taught my Hatha Flow class, one of the students talked about when and why she started doing yoga, and then asked me the same question. I bless this student for reminding me! I talked about when I was 21 years old, getting ready to graduate college, I began making changes in my life. I began changing the relationships I had with friends, family, and partners. I started to meet new people who had more awareness of body, mind and spirit and introduced me to different practices such as yoga, butoh dance, and meditation. I also discovered Whole Foods, and started looking at food a little differently too. But it comes back to yoga. It comes to the question, was it a coincidence that I began taking yoga classes during this transition in my life? Or was there a reason?

With all the hours of studying and training I've received in the past ten years, "coincidence" has faded from my vocabulary. I believe there is a reason for everything that happens to us and around us. Yoga, being a holistic practice, supports me in those transitional, and sometimes, difficult times. Whether it's grief, loss, or depression, I find those times on the yoga mat very comforting. Even if I'm in resistance, I start doing some sun salutations and I'm immersed in the experience. It's a time when I can really be with thoughts and emotions--anger, sadness, frustration--and allow them to move through and out my body. It brings my attention to my breath, which supports the movement of energy. It's when we hold our breath a lot, or take quick, short breaths, that's how the tension continues to build up, so we are unable to move on.

I do yoga to relieve that tension. I'm sure most people do without realizing it. But in this last decade of practicing and teaching yoga, I really had to remind myself why I do this. There was a time when I loathed it, and it was a time when I wasn't present and in complete resistance. There was a lot of unacknowledged grief and self-doubt, which was so frightening to face. It was just easier to shut down. With a supportive community and with time, shutting down wasn't a way of being anymore. I was more open to being with the uncomfortable feelings more because I realized they would pass quicker if I just sat with them. I look forward to practicing yoga, and teaching! So how did this happen?

Compassion, love, understanding, and acceptance (to name a few). Yoga teaches us this. It brings us into our body, allows us to look at the mind, and connect with our soul. But we need to go through the dark periods, in order to get to the light. There's no joy, without sorrow. There's no happiness without sadness/anger. There's no yin without yang. It's all about balance, and this is what yoga offers us.

So, if you're a yoga practitioner or other practitioner of whatever passion/hobby/practice you do, why do you do it? What keeps bringing you back? Does it ignite your creative fire, and how do you contain it and then move it? How do you cultivate it in your daily life?

I invite you to take 5-15 minutes a day to answer these questions one at time. Don't feel you have to answer all of them at once. Or see what questions arise within yourself, but without judgment. A little self-reflection and inquiry can go a LONG way.

Namaste ~

Releasing and going with the flow

I'm celebrating because a lot of my March Intentions are happening! This week: I attended a wonderful yoga class last night at Divine Essence Yoga in Potrero Hill; also did a yoga dvd; I ran 5.2 miles one day; I completed one of my papers for a massage class; I spent quality time with my hubby a few times this week; I've celebrated something I'm grateful for everyday; and I've been super present with my emotions and reactions. I would love to give an example of everything, but, quite honestly, I could do a blog post for each of those things! One day.

I received a massage yesterday by a friend and fellow classmate. I didn't think I needed it as much as I realized. She integrated swedish, deep tissue and Vibrational Healing Massage. The Vibe work is what REALLY helped me release a lot. There is an area of my back where it gets knotty, and when Massage Therapists go over that area, it jumps like an electric charge. It doesn't hurt, and I always reassure them of this. The area my friend worked on was on the left side of my spine, by the erectors and lower ribs. The knot was so tight and sharp. But she continued to do the finger-work from the Vibe technique on this area. I continued to breathe, make sounds, and even voiced some things that came up such as, "It's time to go", "You're no longer serving me", "I want softness." Then the release happened. I began to cry very hard and I let myself go to release all the energy around that area. My friend kept working there and guiding it out. My legs and feet tingled. After I cried, I felt fabulous!

It all made sense to me, and even more now. As I had set those intentions (in a previous post), things began to happen. I decided to go with the stream of the river, instead of against it. Also, that spot in my back has been a collection bin of things of the past, old patterns, and a general holding.

It feels good to move it out, and move on. What things of the past are you still holding on to? If you could let them go, how would you feel? What would your life be like?

break through

I can't believe how long it's been since I've written in my blog. I felt like I always had something to say, express, announce, and/or rant about. October was rich with a lot of emotion, so I know I was feeling it, and emotion can't always be put into words. I would just rather not even attempt to write about it.

I felt a breakthrough, especially around my 5th chakra (throat area=communication). In the past, this area was blocked-severely-which led me to believe that's why I clench my jaw and need to wear a mouthguard at night. One morning I felt a release in this area and it was intense. I was angry, sad, and confused, and I was having a difficult time communicating it to my husband. I had a moment alone when all I wanted to do was slam the glass I was holding against the wall. Rationally, I knew this wasn't a good idea at 7:15 in the morning. So I put it down, took a deep breath, and sat down on the couch. As I continued to breath with the emotions, I felt it rise up from my stomach, into my chest and stop at my throat and jaw. My jaw began to vibrate! Literally, I felt it! Then I proceeded to punch pillows and the couch, crying and wailing like a child. Things began to move. My feet and toes were tingling.

After I had my moment, I began to talk to my husband. I was able to clearly communicate what I was feeling (keep in mind I couldn't talk to him for a couple days!) and why I couldn't talk to him. I was confused about being confused, angry and sad. I had to allow myself to process and be with it, and trust that an answer would come within. And it did.

Ever since then, things have continued to move. I finally completed my last massage modality, Reflexology, and I'm moving more and more toward what I want. I can feel it and feels great!

I feel more trust within myself, which has allowed me to trust others, and in certain situations. I trust more in that things work themselves out. It may take time, but it's this "allowing" that keeps it flowing.

and so the river flows...

It's time to trust where i'm going.  no more paddling upstream. i'm so tired. allow it to take me on my journey and trust that it's going to be okay.  we're all on a river of our own experience, so let's support each other when we can. let's go with the flow.  when fear and resistance join us, let's take it for the ride, instead of making us stop. i want to go with the flow.  i want joy. i choose joy.

I am awake

It's happening now. In fact, it's happening a little too quickly! As I talked with my therapist yesterday, it all made sense.

Last weekend, my brother was in town.  We and my husband went to Bolinas, a beautiful town just north of Stinson Beach in Marin County.  As we waited for my husband outside a shop, my brother and I started talking about city life and what I was going to when I move back east. My brother and I are very close and get along very well.  But there were some things he said that began to trigger some old files.  It was when I began explaining why I was ready to move out of city life and what my business ideas were for when I moved back east. My brother was asking a mirad of questions, which is usually his manner anyway because he likes to know and understand what I'm doing.  But something in me stirred.  All of sudden, my throat began to close up and all I wanted to do was cry and run away.  I felt like I was defending myself and I didn't like it one bit.  I was so aware of what was happening, I did a good job of holding on and by that time, my husband returned. Thank you universe! But I also want to acknowledge the universe for my brother.  I love my brother and know how he operates, so he wasn't exhibiting any new behavior.  It was those questions he asked that triggered the old fear and self-judgment files that were still lingering within me; however, it was so strong I almost went into a panic attack.  I felt those emotions again as I explained the situation to my therapist and actually had a full-on panic attack right there!

This fear comes from the old self-judgments I used to constantly bash myself with:
I'm not good enough
I'm not smart enough
I'm not organized
There's not enough time and money
How will I ever run my own business?

What was so amazing, as I shed tears and pain from my chest and throat, was I began to laugh.  I said to my therapist, "I don't why I'm laughing." She replied, "It just means you're awake."  I thought, wow! I am awake! I know none of those judgments are true, yet I felt the pain from them and then I laughed about them.  It's also a paradox.  There it is again; but I have to say I'm grateful. It keeps me going and on my feet. It's a reminder and an inner alarm system.

So as I mentioned, it's all moving too quickly.  I have to trust the "flow" of events.  I have to trust myself and every choice I make whether it's right or wrong because how do I know if anything is right or wrong, unless I check in with myself and how I feel? I went too long feeling self-doubt and that came from those old files.  But over the years I cleaned them out and there is still bits left over. Why? To remind me.

going with the flow

it's definitely a flow day today. i'm not pushing myself to do anything. if I feel like doing some kind of task--dishes, tidying, reading--i'll do it. but I'll do it because i want to. not because i SHOULD do. i'm so sick of that. it feels good to just go with the flow. listen to some tunes on pandora. facebook. email. blogging. filling out disability forms. thinking of nana.

I know it's going to be all good. it's going to be okay. there's so much support I really couldn't ask for anything more. bring it on.