Embrace the changes with love

When change occurs, I can go either two ways: breathe through the rough, stormy waters or go into a deep, dark hole of depression. However, at times, I find myself in between these two junctions or trapezes. I feel like I'm standing in that limbo with my arms folded and a wrinkled up face asking, "Hmm, which way do I want to go right now?"

The old part of me wants to go to that familiar place of darkness and self-loathing. It wants to numb it with food or alcohol. It wants to just sit there and feel like there's nothing that can be done and it's always going to be this way. But then my other part wants to allow space, compassion and love. You're probably thinking why you wouldn't just go that way. But how many times have you found yourself in the middle? How many times have you stood in the crossroads contemplating? How many times do you think it's just easier to be "this" way?

I really want the space, compassion, and love. My body and soul yearn for it, while my mind plays the two scenarios over and over. I know transition and change. I've been there. The process is very familiar to me. I know we all handle it differently, and that deep down everything is and will be okay. It is just when you're in the midst of it, that it just doesn't seem possible.

The feelings that typically arise are overwhelm, anxiety, fear (of the unknown), lost, insecure, frustration, impatience, and sadness. Deep down, we want to be happy; however, there is some work involved. In the past, when I would read those self-help books about finding true happiness and joy in your life, I just wanted to skip right to the happiness and joyful state; or I would say, "Yeah right! I can never get that", "I'm too old", or "I don't deserve it." I didn't realize that I had to (actually) go through the dark periods to get to the light.

In Judith Lasater's book, Living Your Yoga: Finding the Spiritual in Everyday Life, she quotes one of the Yoga Sutras by Patanjali, first book verse three, "Then the seer abides in its essence." In regards to the practice of yoga, Judith explains that Patanjali refers to yoga as being in "a state of wholeness", and when we can sit in our wholeness, "we can sit in our true nature." So, while experiencing a change or transition, why do we feel fear or bad about the way we feel? Well, for one thing, it's the unknown, and who wants to be there!?!. For example, imagine all the layers of an onion. The core of an onion is its wholeness. So when we think ourselves like an onion and there is a shift occurring, we begin to peel a layer, which is a layer of our past histories, experiences, beliefs and stories, most of, which may not be serving us anymore and holding us back from what we really want. That first layer is the first step toward your wholeness. Your true self towards freedom.

So what stories do you tell yourself as to why something is the way it is? Are they really true? Who would you be without those stories?

Find a quiet place and take about 15 minutes to write down at least five of those stories you may tell yourself. Then pick one that you say the most. Close your eyes and say that story or belief to yourself about 5-10 times. Note how your body feels when you say it to yourself. Feel the sensations and the emotions that come up. Be aware of any self-judgments. Allow your body to soften and relax even if it may feel uncomfortable or tense. Next, turn it around. What new story or belief do you want to tell yourself?

Here are some positive mantras or affirmations you can tell yourself when you're faced with a shift or transition:

* I always can make a choice.
* Change and transition is growth, and I welcome it with love and compassion.
* I trust myself.
* I take one step at a time.
* I have lots of time.
* I am perfect just the way I am.

When you say the positive mantras to yourself, really feel it in your body and note the difference. If you just repeat it over and over, and still feel tension or stress in your body, take a breath and pick a different one. Allow yourself time and space for it to come.

YOU ARE an amazing, powerful being, who can be what you want to be and do what you want to do. There is a wealth of possibilities and it all starts within.

Trust and you shall receive

For years, it was really hard for me to trust myself and the decisions I made. I usually just went along with what everyone else did because it was just easier that way. No one would say anything or question me. Then I met my husband and it all changed. When we are talking about what we want to do for the evening or over the weekend or what to cook for dinner, if he decided something, I would just agree. He immediately would pick up on this and say, "Well, what do you want?" I would respond, "What you said. That sounds fine." Then he would said, "No, really. What would you like to do/eat?" This would start to send me into anxiety mode and I would start getting all flustered. And for what? This was the question on his face, and in later years, the question reflected right back to me.

Of course, over the past 4-5 years, I've learned to really check in with myself when questions or ideas are presented to me. I also have learned not to say, "yes" to everything because, in the past, that led to overbooking my time, leaving me with no time for what I wanted to do. Even if it was nothing! But allowing myself time and space to think and feel about choices is just one of things that yoga offers us. It's that quiet time that we give ourselves in meditation that allows us to connect with that deeper part of ourselves. It's the essence and the spirit/soul. It's trust and love.

I am ALLOWING myself to TRUST my intuition MORE around what I want to do along my path. Because it is MINE. Right?

It's not my mom's, my dad's, that ex-boyfriend's, the governments; it IS all mine. It's about what I want for myself in my relationships, health, career and business. Not what I should have, or HAVE to do.

For instance, I had an interview at a health club for a Massage Therapist position. This health club is very exclusive in the San Francisco Bay Area, and being located in the Financial District, it caters to the corporate community. I was early for my interview, and as I sat drinking my peppermint tea, I people-watched. "Wow" I said to myself. In the past, I would have said, "What am I doing here?!" with a lot of contempt. I also would have had the nervous flutters of butterflies in my stomach, but instead I was relaxed, comfortable, and going-with-the-flow. The chatter said, "Something must be wrong!" But in my heart, everything was perfect. The interview went so well, they asked me back for a practicum to demo my skills. I walked out of there feeling so confident and joyful! Then I recalled that email the day before from another business contacting me to come in for an interview and demo, and I my joy factor went from a 10 to a 100,000!

I'm realizing how manifestation and intention works, AND I'm receiving it! When an opportunity comes along, I'm open. I'm VERY aware when the chatter may chime in, but I know it's not true and it's not who I am or want. I'm trusting what comes and I'm not afraid of failure.

I welcome all opportunity and possibility. I listen to my intuition and heart because that's who I am.

I am not my thoughts. YOU are not your thoughts.

Trust in yourself and you will receive what you asked or prayed to the universe or higher being. You deserve it. So believe it!

break through

I can't believe how long it's been since I've written in my blog. I felt like I always had something to say, express, announce, and/or rant about. October was rich with a lot of emotion, so I know I was feeling it, and emotion can't always be put into words. I would just rather not even attempt to write about it.

I felt a breakthrough, especially around my 5th chakra (throat area=communication). In the past, this area was blocked-severely-which led me to believe that's why I clench my jaw and need to wear a mouthguard at night. One morning I felt a release in this area and it was intense. I was angry, sad, and confused, and I was having a difficult time communicating it to my husband. I had a moment alone when all I wanted to do was slam the glass I was holding against the wall. Rationally, I knew this wasn't a good idea at 7:15 in the morning. So I put it down, took a deep breath, and sat down on the couch. As I continued to breath with the emotions, I felt it rise up from my stomach, into my chest and stop at my throat and jaw. My jaw began to vibrate! Literally, I felt it! Then I proceeded to punch pillows and the couch, crying and wailing like a child. Things began to move. My feet and toes were tingling.

After I had my moment, I began to talk to my husband. I was able to clearly communicate what I was feeling (keep in mind I couldn't talk to him for a couple days!) and why I couldn't talk to him. I was confused about being confused, angry and sad. I had to allow myself to process and be with it, and trust that an answer would come within. And it did.

Ever since then, things have continued to move. I finally completed my last massage modality, Reflexology, and I'm moving more and more toward what I want. I can feel it and feels great!

I feel more trust within myself, which has allowed me to trust others, and in certain situations. I trust more in that things work themselves out. It may take time, but it's this "allowing" that keeps it flowing.

I am Celebration (revisited)

So I wrote the entry below in October of 2009.  Its contents visited me yesterday morning as I was driving to teach my Sunday morning yoga class.  In fact, it was the main theme for the day, and I shared it with my students.  I talked about celebration. That it's not just for the big things, but the little things as well.  I found this old post I wrote and how I was celebrating the fact that I completed clinic hours in just one of my modules for massage school. 

It's the little things that really matter.  Those things that we may oversee or take for granted.  I see how celebrating gets you closer to what you want. I want to celebrate the Human Resources dept at my work for giving me the support I needed recently.  I had many dates of un-reimbursed medical claims (money that I paid out of my pocket) that I'm getting back! For whatever reason, the insurance company wasn't reimbursing me, and kept saying they needed to resubmit this or that claim again, and it was going to take up to 30 days to process! I cried over this twice; and finally, I decided I'm not going to worry about this anymore. I'm not going to put my energy (my vibration and attention) to this anymore.  Instead, I sought help from HR/Benefits at my job, and within a few weeks, mission accomplished! I trusted that it would all work out, and conveyed my patience in the most constructive way possible.  I "kept my cool." My intentions and goals were to receive more understanding, consideration and respect out of this.  I wanted to be heard, and I was. I received all of the above.

I know I should celebrate my proactivity in contacting HR, but I'm so grateful for having the person I had.  HR depts really get a bad rep sometimes and, yes, I have definitely contributed to that bashing in the past. But I honestly am so grateful for them right now and I want to CELEBRATE!  I told HR how much I appreciated their help and support through this, as it was so confusing and frustrating.  I want to celebrate my job for providing the health care plans.  

 I am gratitude and celebration! Now, it's time to get that pedicure I've been talking about....

 From October 2009

I am celebration!

I have to celebrate that I completed my massage clinic hours for one of my modules! Yaayyy! It gives me a sense of accomplishment and validity, that, Wow! I can really get through this program! Yes I have had mind chatter and negative self-talk about completing the massage program I'm enrolled in, but seeing results is so invigorating to my whole being! Bodywork is connection. Connection to everything in the body, mind, spirit and soul. During my holistic health program last year, we had to write our life's purpose. My life purpose was (is) "I am love and acceptance". I want to expand on that, "I am love, acceptance and celebration". I want to put the energy out into the universe that I will receive, love and accept everything in my path, regardless of positive or negative. Wow, this feels great in my belly right now!

I've realized that you can celebrate anything--waking up in the morning, getting out of bed, eating a meal, tying your shoe, etc. It doesn't have to be this huge thing. Whatever it is to you is what matters.

What do you want to celebrate?

One of my 2010 Declarations

I will leverage my debt in a healthy way.

I need to remind myself and say this to myself as much as possible.  That I AM doing it. It IS happening.  What does a "healthy way" look like?  I will trust in my myself that money is always coming my way.  I will be compassionate towards myself no matter what.  I will appreciate myself even when times are tough, and be gentle with myself and say, "I am doing the best I can, and I am doing a great job." I want to create more abundance in clientele for my yoga and massage practice. 

I am love, acceptance and compassion. 

Patience and Trust

I know if I'm patient, it will come.  I know if I get frustrated about it, it's okay. I know if I continue to imagine it, it will show up.  I know it's about trusting.  Trust is my theme for the week.  To trust myself is important.  If I can't trust myself, who or what can I trust?  I feel patience and trust go hand in hand in certain situations.  For instance, if I trust in myself that I will receive money to leverage my debt, I will be patient.  Yes, I felt myself wanting to get frustrated and upset and say, "how the hell am I going to make it 'til my next paycheck?" But things happen for a reason and I need to trust that and the way it is.  I'm grateful for my yoga practice in the middle of all this because I, honestly, don't know where I would be right now.  I'm also grateful for my breath, continuing to take deep, belly breaths when I think about it.  Staying present and in my body.

I know I could find fun ways to leverage my debt and upcoming bills; or I could just go to the dark side and dwell and beat myself up.  But I really don't want to go there. I want to strive for joy, ease and acceptance in all things, even in the not so good times. It's a hard practice, but it's how you learn. 

and so the river flows...

It's time to trust where i'm going.  no more paddling upstream. i'm so tired. allow it to take me on my journey and trust that it's going to be okay.  we're all on a river of our own experience, so let's support each other when we can. let's go with the flow.  when fear and resistance join us, let's take it for the ride, instead of making us stop. i want to go with the flow.  i want joy. i choose joy.