Embrace the changes with love

When change occurs, I can go either two ways: breathe through the rough, stormy waters or go into a deep, dark hole of depression. However, at times, I find myself in between these two junctions or trapezes. I feel like I'm standing in that limbo with my arms folded and a wrinkled up face asking, "Hmm, which way do I want to go right now?"

The old part of me wants to go to that familiar place of darkness and self-loathing. It wants to numb it with food or alcohol. It wants to just sit there and feel like there's nothing that can be done and it's always going to be this way. But then my other part wants to allow space, compassion and love. You're probably thinking why you wouldn't just go that way. But how many times have you found yourself in the middle? How many times have you stood in the crossroads contemplating? How many times do you think it's just easier to be "this" way?

I really want the space, compassion, and love. My body and soul yearn for it, while my mind plays the two scenarios over and over. I know transition and change. I've been there. The process is very familiar to me. I know we all handle it differently, and that deep down everything is and will be okay. It is just when you're in the midst of it, that it just doesn't seem possible.

The feelings that typically arise are overwhelm, anxiety, fear (of the unknown), lost, insecure, frustration, impatience, and sadness. Deep down, we want to be happy; however, there is some work involved. In the past, when I would read those self-help books about finding true happiness and joy in your life, I just wanted to skip right to the happiness and joyful state; or I would say, "Yeah right! I can never get that", "I'm too old", or "I don't deserve it." I didn't realize that I had to (actually) go through the dark periods to get to the light.

In Judith Lasater's book, Living Your Yoga: Finding the Spiritual in Everyday Life, she quotes one of the Yoga Sutras by Patanjali, first book verse three, "Then the seer abides in its essence." In regards to the practice of yoga, Judith explains that Patanjali refers to yoga as being in "a state of wholeness", and when we can sit in our wholeness, "we can sit in our true nature." So, while experiencing a change or transition, why do we feel fear or bad about the way we feel? Well, for one thing, it's the unknown, and who wants to be there!?!. For example, imagine all the layers of an onion. The core of an onion is its wholeness. So when we think ourselves like an onion and there is a shift occurring, we begin to peel a layer, which is a layer of our past histories, experiences, beliefs and stories, most of, which may not be serving us anymore and holding us back from what we really want. That first layer is the first step toward your wholeness. Your true self towards freedom.

So what stories do you tell yourself as to why something is the way it is? Are they really true? Who would you be without those stories?

Find a quiet place and take about 15 minutes to write down at least five of those stories you may tell yourself. Then pick one that you say the most. Close your eyes and say that story or belief to yourself about 5-10 times. Note how your body feels when you say it to yourself. Feel the sensations and the emotions that come up. Be aware of any self-judgments. Allow your body to soften and relax even if it may feel uncomfortable or tense. Next, turn it around. What new story or belief do you want to tell yourself?

Here are some positive mantras or affirmations you can tell yourself when you're faced with a shift or transition:

* I always can make a choice.
* Change and transition is growth, and I welcome it with love and compassion.
* I trust myself.
* I take one step at a time.
* I have lots of time.
* I am perfect just the way I am.

When you say the positive mantras to yourself, really feel it in your body and note the difference. If you just repeat it over and over, and still feel tension or stress in your body, take a breath and pick a different one. Allow yourself time and space for it to come.

YOU ARE an amazing, powerful being, who can be what you want to be and do what you want to do. There is a wealth of possibilities and it all starts within.

Why I do yoga

This was a question I posed for myself in the previous post. As I practice yoga on a (almost) daily basis, I ask myself in the beginning of the practice, "Why do I practice yoga?", and then see where it leads me. Sometimes I forget I even asked myself this question, and continue on with my practice and day. Last Tuesday, when I taught my Hatha Flow class, one of the students talked about when and why she started doing yoga, and then asked me the same question. I bless this student for reminding me! I talked about when I was 21 years old, getting ready to graduate college, I began making changes in my life. I began changing the relationships I had with friends, family, and partners. I started to meet new people who had more awareness of body, mind and spirit and introduced me to different practices such as yoga, butoh dance, and meditation. I also discovered Whole Foods, and started looking at food a little differently too. But it comes back to yoga. It comes to the question, was it a coincidence that I began taking yoga classes during this transition in my life? Or was there a reason?

With all the hours of studying and training I've received in the past ten years, "coincidence" has faded from my vocabulary. I believe there is a reason for everything that happens to us and around us. Yoga, being a holistic practice, supports me in those transitional, and sometimes, difficult times. Whether it's grief, loss, or depression, I find those times on the yoga mat very comforting. Even if I'm in resistance, I start doing some sun salutations and I'm immersed in the experience. It's a time when I can really be with thoughts and emotions--anger, sadness, frustration--and allow them to move through and out my body. It brings my attention to my breath, which supports the movement of energy. It's when we hold our breath a lot, or take quick, short breaths, that's how the tension continues to build up, so we are unable to move on.

I do yoga to relieve that tension. I'm sure most people do without realizing it. But in this last decade of practicing and teaching yoga, I really had to remind myself why I do this. There was a time when I loathed it, and it was a time when I wasn't present and in complete resistance. There was a lot of unacknowledged grief and self-doubt, which was so frightening to face. It was just easier to shut down. With a supportive community and with time, shutting down wasn't a way of being anymore. I was more open to being with the uncomfortable feelings more because I realized they would pass quicker if I just sat with them. I look forward to practicing yoga, and teaching! So how did this happen?

Compassion, love, understanding, and acceptance (to name a few). Yoga teaches us this. It brings us into our body, allows us to look at the mind, and connect with our soul. But we need to go through the dark periods, in order to get to the light. There's no joy, without sorrow. There's no happiness without sadness/anger. There's no yin without yang. It's all about balance, and this is what yoga offers us.

So, if you're a yoga practitioner or other practitioner of whatever passion/hobby/practice you do, why do you do it? What keeps bringing you back? Does it ignite your creative fire, and how do you contain it and then move it? How do you cultivate it in your daily life?

I invite you to take 5-15 minutes a day to answer these questions one at time. Don't feel you have to answer all of them at once. Or see what questions arise within yourself, but without judgment. A little self-reflection and inquiry can go a LONG way.

Namaste ~

One of my 2010 Declarations

I will leverage my debt in a healthy way.

I need to remind myself and say this to myself as much as possible.  That I AM doing it. It IS happening.  What does a "healthy way" look like?  I will trust in my myself that money is always coming my way.  I will be compassionate towards myself no matter what.  I will appreciate myself even when times are tough, and be gentle with myself and say, "I am doing the best I can, and I am doing a great job." I want to create more abundance in clientele for my yoga and massage practice. 

I am love, acceptance and compassion.