the recovery process begins...

since my surgery, i've been resting. what is that? in a way, it's like i don't know how to. i read 2 books so far and i'm on my third, with 3 to go! i've been watching silly movies to keep my spirits up and taking little walks even if it's just for a cup of tea at the local coffee shop. my first day out was saturday to the beach. what a glorious day! then on sunday, more outdoor walking about. walking is weird sometimes but it's getting better. there's pressure near the incisions and at first, i felt scared and uneasy about walking. walking around the apartment is okay because i feel safer. maybe it's pain meds making me feel this way. Ah! yes, the pain meds what a trip and that's exactly what they put you on. a trip. a bad trip. even though it helped with initial pain, the after-effects are awful. i would feel out of control with my emotions. feeling out of control with my emotions was a familiar episode I used to take on a lot. but not feeling that way for years and then suddenly being induced into it was, plainly, shitty.

my first night after the surgery, i began weeping in my bed. it must have been the vicodin. that stuff's intense. joe embraced me until i fell asleep. then after that i just stuck with ibprofen 600mg because i didn't want to feel that again. then 2 nights later, it happened again. my whole body ached, not just the incision sites. joints and muscles. it must've been the anesthesia and painkillers leaving my body. i began weeping again. usually i have an idea of why i'm crying, but it's sucks when you don't have any idea. damn, that shit is powerful! thank God for essential oils such as lavendar. it saved me during this episode.

so finally be able to get out of the apartment helped with those symptoms. i was confined for 3 days but I know some people are confined longer, so i felt grateful for my body at that moment, being able to go for a ride in the car and walk a little hear and there.

it's sometimes hard to know what to write, especially about not-so-pleasant things that happen. i'm trying to reconnect with that part of my body that had to endure the surgery. the trauma. of course it was a different type of trauma this time. it's been very emotional. i'll close my eyes and focus on my 2nd chakra area and begin crying. why? i don't know. sometimes it's out of compassion. sometimes it's out of anger and frustration. it's a lot of different things. emotions. feelings. thoughts. beliefs. insights. so it goes from here. Yay! for recovery!

knowing, feeling, waiting, preparing

It's one thing when you don't know, and then when you do know, the feelings erupt. I recently found out that I have anemia, a thickening in the lining of my uterus and cyst on my right ovary. As the doctor said, it's nothing serious and quite common among women, I couldn't help but feel the feelings. She explained very gently and thoroughly what I would need done: iron supplements with extra fiber; a D & C (Dilation (or dilatation) and curettage); removal of the cyst and an IUD to keep the lining thin. As I began to digest the information as to why this procedure needs to be done, I had a clear understanding in a logic sense.

However, once I left the feelings set in: fear, anger, sadness, worry, etc. I also began thinking, "Why me?" "What did I do wrong?" "I thought I took care of myself?" "I did this to my self" and so on and so on.....

Of course the feelings continued as I began the waiting period. Waiting for the office to call me to schedule this thing. Of course, I talked to all the women in my life and the majority have had a D & C and, although, they told me I had nothing to worry about, I couldn't help but feel scared of the unknown. It's like, Yes, thank you, but I'VE NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE! I also have never had a real surgery before, except for my wisdom teeth, in which I was awake for that. Being "put under" doesn't sit well with me. Not knowing what people are doing to you, even though it was explained, is still scary. Especially in that area! I've done a lot of healing in this area (2nd chakra) and it continues. I had this experience last week where I wanted to disconnect myself from it. My body began to talk to me, but it was a lot of old, past stuff. I knew in my mind the things weren't true, but it was what my body was feeling. Making that body connection is so vital. The body never lies! It's the mind that can make up all sorts of stuff, which I'll go into more detail in another post.

Now that I'm in preparation, it's all scheduled, I'm a little relaxed but still feeling and have to wait! It's next Wednesday and there's still things to do before then, like get my job stuff squared away, school notified, bloodwork, life, etc.

Through all of this, I'm very grateful that it's not something serious. As I would hear the mind chatter, there is always the voice that comes in and says, "It could be worse" and "Everything is going to be okay". I know deep down it is, but it's sooo easy to go to the dark place. The easy route because it's the most familiar. I'm also grateful for the support I have from my husband, friends, coworkers and family. I'm very lucky. I find myself back to the light always....