Routine Change

It's amazing how us humans function on routine.  If we don't have one, we could go insane or just feel imbalanced.  I know that's how I felt when I was on medical leave, especially towards the end. It's my 2nd day back to work and I still feel very refreshed and rested.  I'm looking forward to getting back into my yoga routine again and, in general, exercise.

However, I also think about my usual routine: M-F get up, shower, dress, go to work, after work go home or to another activity, then bed.  Sat and Sun are different and it depends on what needs to get done that didn't during the week or something leisure and fun could be an option.

Then I thought "I wonder what my routine would be if I was working for myself?".  Perhaps I need to create this. Write this down.  For instance, I had a little moment of worry over money this week and what always comes to mind is that I have a steady paycheck and thank God for that! But if I work for myself, that's not exactly going to be the case.  I know this has to be carefully thought out and organized, so that I know what money is coming in and going out.  But also I feel I need to look at my relationship with money (which is a whole other topic. Later on that one).

Changing my routine is exciting and scary at the same time.  I feel my heart race with anticipation and also with anxiety.  I know I can do it.  I have to. I want to. So why do I feel this resistance? this worry? this fear? Why can't the positive and good things take me over more? Why can't I feel joy about it? It's a paradox that just doesn't want to quit sometimes.  But my readiness is there. I can feel it.  It's growing stronger day by day.  So let's focus on that. 

Let it go

I know I don't have control over it, so I might as well just let it go. sounds so simple.

Creation is fun!

Wow! I'm getting so inspired and I'm on medical leave! I sure have been using my time wisely.  I've gone on some good walks and started a gentle yoga practice this morning.  I feel my body wanting to heal and recover.  But it's nice to take it slow and be with the sensations and feelings moment to moment, even if it's pain.

Today was my first day off any pain medication.  Woo Hoo! Last night I could feel my stomach getting irritated which told me, maybe it's time for a break? Sure! I did very well considering there was some discomfort, but thank goodness for essential oils and heating pads.

Lately, I have been thinking about teaching. Not yoga, but movement.  I recently have been feeling a different energy with performance lately and began thinking about how nice it would be to teach movement as a healing modality.  Most performers are, in a sense, healing some part of themselves when they do their work, whether they're conscious of it or not.  I know in the past year with all the solo work I've done, a lot of inner healing was taking place. It was hard and fun.  I've been playing with workshop names: Body Sense; Conscious Movement.....I feel if I stick with a theme I can really do it.  I got a tarot reading almost a month ago and my tarot reader told me that she saw me in a career of the arts.  This rang so clear for me.  This month I've been creating a business on integrating yoga, massage, life coaching and movement and I think this will be my first dive into it.  I already have a space in mind and have contacted them. It's out there! Go creation! Go manifestation! GO FOR IT! And above all, HAVE FUN!

What now?

pictures

why can't post a picture?

the recovery process begins...

since my surgery, i've been resting. what is that? in a way, it's like i don't know how to. i read 2 books so far and i'm on my third, with 3 to go! i've been watching silly movies to keep my spirits up and taking little walks even if it's just for a cup of tea at the local coffee shop. my first day out was saturday to the beach. what a glorious day! then on sunday, more outdoor walking about. walking is weird sometimes but it's getting better. there's pressure near the incisions and at first, i felt scared and uneasy about walking. walking around the apartment is okay because i feel safer. maybe it's pain meds making me feel this way. Ah! yes, the pain meds what a trip and that's exactly what they put you on. a trip. a bad trip. even though it helped with initial pain, the after-effects are awful. i would feel out of control with my emotions. feeling out of control with my emotions was a familiar episode I used to take on a lot. but not feeling that way for years and then suddenly being induced into it was, plainly, shitty.

my first night after the surgery, i began weeping in my bed. it must have been the vicodin. that stuff's intense. joe embraced me until i fell asleep. then after that i just stuck with ibprofen 600mg because i didn't want to feel that again. then 2 nights later, it happened again. my whole body ached, not just the incision sites. joints and muscles. it must've been the anesthesia and painkillers leaving my body. i began weeping again. usually i have an idea of why i'm crying, but it's sucks when you don't have any idea. damn, that shit is powerful! thank God for essential oils such as lavendar. it saved me during this episode.

so finally be able to get out of the apartment helped with those symptoms. i was confined for 3 days but I know some people are confined longer, so i felt grateful for my body at that moment, being able to go for a ride in the car and walk a little hear and there.

it's sometimes hard to know what to write, especially about not-so-pleasant things that happen. i'm trying to reconnect with that part of my body that had to endure the surgery. the trauma. of course it was a different type of trauma this time. it's been very emotional. i'll close my eyes and focus on my 2nd chakra area and begin crying. why? i don't know. sometimes it's out of compassion. sometimes it's out of anger and frustration. it's a lot of different things. emotions. feelings. thoughts. beliefs. insights. so it goes from here. Yay! for recovery!

going with the flow

it's definitely a flow day today. i'm not pushing myself to do anything. if I feel like doing some kind of task--dishes, tidying, reading--i'll do it. but I'll do it because i want to. not because i SHOULD do. i'm so sick of that. it feels good to just go with the flow. listen to some tunes on pandora. facebook. email. blogging. filling out disability forms. thinking of nana.

I know it's going to be all good. it's going to be okay. there's so much support I really couldn't ask for anything more. bring it on.