I was chatting with a friend of mine yesterday about connection. The need for connection is so big within all of us, we sometimes don't see it. In many ways, disconnection from people is one of the main causes for suffering in the world. We need each other for support, love and community.
For the past few days, I had been REALLY cranky. I was blaming it on the San Francisco weather--fog, fog, and more fog. Then I blamed it on my packed schedule this week, and once it's done, I'll be fine. That's a little true, but there was definitely more. Joe left this morning for New York to go to his cousin's wedding. I would have liked to go along too, but it would've been too expensive. Besides, we're saving to move back to the east coast next summer, so the less flight purchases, the more in the bank. I realized yesterday how much this affected me. That he got to go home to see family and I couldn't. That he would be with his family on this joyous occasion. It triggered in me how much I miss my family, especially my grandparents, who have recently passed away. So much grief came up, I just let myself cry. I was grateful Joe was there with me. I was able to express these feelings and it was a load off. But then anger came up too. Anger around why my mom won't come and visit me in San Francisco. I have anger around the stories she has as to why she can't come visit. I even had anger towards my dad, who, for him, it's easy to come visit me. I know I can make requests for this, but first I want to be clear about my feelings. How I feel so disconnected when family don't come to visit me to see my life, my surroundings, my world. It's not that they've never come to visit me in the past. It's just I feel like I've gone back there more in the past 7 years. I have a need for consideration, connection and family.
This feeling of disconnection is still there, but it's okay. I know I'm still in the middle of "it". Since Joe will be away for 5 days, I will take this opportunity to process these feelings, and connect with people in my life and community. It's important and vital to my health right now on a physical and emotional level. I just REALLY MISS MY FAMILY!
1 comment:
It's good to let it all out in tears. I think. I'm a pretty strong person, but I have realized it is not a sign of weakness to cry.,.it's a sign of me knowing what my brain needs to release and helping it do so.
Sometimes the alone time comes at the moment when you least want to be alone. Other times you're craving alone time and you are surrounded. I can't wait to see what these five days bring!
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