I'm amazed at how many stories I have about people, things, places, and myself. It's interesting how you create a story about why something is so and it follows you through your life. A story could have been created when you were a child because whatever was happening at that time, you only had so many ways to make sense of it. Then as you got older, the stories manifested into something else. Most of the time, not in such a healthy way. My current story that keeps haunting me is "I don't belong" and "No one likes me." I know deep down, consciously, that it's not true. So why does it keep showing up. What have I NOT resolved here? This story shows up in most areas of my life: work, teaching, performance. It comes up in performance when an application I submit doesn't get accepted; or at work when everyone goes out to lunch without asking me, even though I work with them. It's hard not to play the blame-game. Again, I know they're not bad people, and I try to JUST accept it, but if it goes deep and triggers emotion, I'm sorry! You all suck!
I have to laugh because I'm curious as to why this keeps showing up in my life. I'm trying to learn why. I REALLY AM!!!!!!! Sometimes I don't want to, and would just like some peace about it. There's that saying (and book), "Don't sweat the small stuff". But what I learned in my coaching program and from therapy sessions, if something charges you that much, pay attention to it! Especially if you get emotional.
I really am SOOOO done with it.
2 comments:
It's so true. I have been having issues at work. I've had two of my students explode in anger and say "I hate you, everyone hates you, you should be fired." I have NEVER had kids speak to me this way before, and more than that...I've never had student feel such strong dislike for me before. I've always been the FAVORITE teacher, the one all the kids like, I've always been adored. It's so weird to be at this new place and feel this vibe that I just don't belong. I can't decide if I should try to stick it out or find a new job soon.
I do wonder why--maybe more to learn? Maybe a new challenge? Maybe I cause it myself? Don't know.
Ugh, stella. I can't imagine having my coworkers say that to me! It's very interesting how you've gone so long as the "favorite" teacher, and then all of sudden not be.
I really thought that all that stupid middle school stuff was over for me, but then it showed up in my current job, which I've been at for almost 5 years. It really started about 2 years ago, when everyone went out to celebrate another coworkers birthday with out me, which was my birthday too (oh yeah, and they knew that). I decided from then on, I wasn't going to work on my birthday ever again.
I also wonder if I create this myself too.
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