“Embrace Your Anger.” This was just one of the many powerful workshops I attended at the Heart Spirit Therapy Symposium, facilitated by The Golden Gate Integral Counseling Center in San Francisco on Saturday October 22, 2011. The event was free and open to all healing professionals--psychotherapists, yoga teachers, massage therapists, holistic practitioners, doulas, chiropractors, and lots of others. The day consisted of ten 30 minute sessions with a smorgasbord of topics, exploring the ways we connect with the heart and spirit to allow ourselves to heal. I was overwhelmed with joy, excitement, and eagerness to soak up as much information as I could, as well as connect with the amazing healers around me.
Being a yoga teacher and bodyworker myself, I attended “Yoga for Emotions” by Lexi Frank, and “Yoga for Trauma Healing” by Raia Kogan. These workshops really opened my eyes more to the “languaging” required when teaching and working with individuals, who have suffered from severe trauma. I learned how people who have suffered from severe trauma have little or no connection to their body, and a simple, but effective exercise to do in a yoga group is to let them feel their feet on the ground.
“Embrace Your Anger”, by Yael Melamed & Jyoti Kalmar, took me back to my Non-Violent Communication training days, which had both triggers for me, but wonderful insights to how I respond to anger, feel/experience it, and the strategies I use in a situation.
All the workshop facilitators were bursting with knowledge, wisdom and passion for their fields, that I wanted the workshops to be longer in length. I felt like it was a tease, but a great way to give a taste of what each individual is working on and contributing to the world. I hope Golden Gate Integral Counseling Center holds another event like this soon.
Golden Gate Integral Counseling Center offers quality, affordable counseling on a sliding scale basis and is a counseling center of the California Institute of Integral Studies (www.ciis.edu). Contact them today, www.goldengatecounseling.org.
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Friday, November 4, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
How do you make yourself small?
This was the first question I read from my favorite blogs and websites, The Daily Love or TDL. Wow, what a way to stir the pot! Mastin Kipp, founder/author of TDL, talks about how we make excuses for why we can’t get what we want in life. Even when we allow ourselves those moments to dream about that dream job, house, car, vacation, relationship, business, etc., we make excuses as to why it can’t or never will happen. In the past, I always had an excuse for why I couldn’t do something.
While I was in Yoga Teacher Training, we had our Teaching Methods class, which was very challenging for me. I got so nervous standing in front of my teacher and classmates teaching a pose, that I started to shake, speak too low, sweat, and forget the main actions of the pose. I had a tough teacher, who would chime in A LOT to correct us, and I know now, all she wanted was for us to be the best teachers ever.
But I took it so personally, that I created the belief that I was a failure at everything and wasn’t good enough.
I also had a need to be understood, heard and loved, but my negative self-talk (aka Mind Chatter) would make me wrong for the way I was feeling (frustration, sadness) because I had another belief/story that it’s wrong to feel frustration, anger, or sadness.
Although I got teaching opportunities after my training, this belief (which affected everything in my life) still hung over me to the extent that I almost quit teaching. However, I know these beliefs started a long time ago, and through lots of personal growth work over the years, I realized these beliefs were not me and not true.
What we say and think about ourselves matters. I learned this through Marshall Rosenberg’s amazing process of Nonviolent Communication, which teaches us to openly and honestly express our feelings and needs without judgment.
He says “Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.”
In other words, we tend to make ourselves or others wrong for feeling angry, frustrated, or sad, when really it all stems from a need not being met and that we may not aware of.
So what beliefs do you have? What statements/excuses do you tell yourself why something is? The ones I have heard myself say and others say are: I’m too old; it’s just too hard; I’m not good enough; I don’t deserve it; they won’t like/believe me.
These are the beliefs that hold us back from getting what we want and are needs met. But what we forget is that the Universe provides everything; and when we ask for those desires through affirmation or prayer, we need to feel that light and joy of possibility when we put it out there. That we are worthy and deserving. That we are not our thoughts, stories or beliefs. We are love, light and apart of this world.
So I invite you to track these thoughts or beliefs that you tell yourself. Write them down throughout the day, and then see what feeling or emotion is attached to it.
For example, my past story was, “I’m not good enough. I feel sad and depressed because I have a need for acceptance, to be heard and understood.”
So be aware of the challenges in your life, but don’t let them stop you. We all have challenges, but we also have choices.
While I was in Yoga Teacher Training, we had our Teaching Methods class, which was very challenging for me. I got so nervous standing in front of my teacher and classmates teaching a pose, that I started to shake, speak too low, sweat, and forget the main actions of the pose. I had a tough teacher, who would chime in A LOT to correct us, and I know now, all she wanted was for us to be the best teachers ever.
But I took it so personally, that I created the belief that I was a failure at everything and wasn’t good enough.
I also had a need to be understood, heard and loved, but my negative self-talk (aka Mind Chatter) would make me wrong for the way I was feeling (frustration, sadness) because I had another belief/story that it’s wrong to feel frustration, anger, or sadness.
Although I got teaching opportunities after my training, this belief (which affected everything in my life) still hung over me to the extent that I almost quit teaching. However, I know these beliefs started a long time ago, and through lots of personal growth work over the years, I realized these beliefs were not me and not true.
What we say and think about ourselves matters. I learned this through Marshall Rosenberg’s amazing process of Nonviolent Communication, which teaches us to openly and honestly express our feelings and needs without judgment.
He says “Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.”
In other words, we tend to make ourselves or others wrong for feeling angry, frustrated, or sad, when really it all stems from a need not being met and that we may not aware of.
So what beliefs do you have? What statements/excuses do you tell yourself why something is? The ones I have heard myself say and others say are: I’m too old; it’s just too hard; I’m not good enough; I don’t deserve it; they won’t like/believe me.
These are the beliefs that hold us back from getting what we want and are needs met. But what we forget is that the Universe provides everything; and when we ask for those desires through affirmation or prayer, we need to feel that light and joy of possibility when we put it out there. That we are worthy and deserving. That we are not our thoughts, stories or beliefs. We are love, light and apart of this world.
So I invite you to track these thoughts or beliefs that you tell yourself. Write them down throughout the day, and then see what feeling or emotion is attached to it.
For example, my past story was, “I’m not good enough. I feel sad and depressed because I have a need for acceptance, to be heard and understood.”
So be aware of the challenges in your life, but don’t let them stop you. We all have challenges, but we also have choices.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Mindful Choices
The Ooops!
Over the weekend, I made some "food" choices that didn't agree with me. I have a slight sensitivity to gluten, so when I overdue it with those types of food I know what to do. But I didn't think sugar would set me up for a full blown allergic reaction!
Friday night was my friend's 30th birthday. I was VERY good about spacing my drinks out and drank water; however, I made the mistake of drinking sugary, mixed drinks. Don't get me wrong they were very delicious! Fresh blueberry mojitos, mmmmmmm! I had 2 of those; an hour before those I had a mandarin vodka and sprite (that was mmmmm too). So I had a total of 3 drinks all evening, and I was the slowest drinker out of the 5 people I was with.
It was the next morning where it hit me hard, with the pulsing headache, low energy, and feeling like a bag o' bricks. I also felt dehydrated, which puzzled me for a moment because I thought I drank lots of water all evening and even more when I got home. But, of course, those drinks trick your body! By mid-late afternoon, I became super sluggish, so I rested, continued to hydrate, and ate fresh foods as meals. Although, I didn't have much of an appetite, so fluids it was.
I felt better Sunday morning and into the afternoon, but it was in the late afternoon where I made another mistake. After cat sitting in Berkeley, I headed back into the city to meet up with a friend. On the bridge, stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, I realized I was SUPER, FREAKIN' HUNGRY! When I got to the cafe where I was meeting my friend, I ordered a sandwich, which came with chips, and it was gone pretty quickly (The Oops!). An hour later, I still felt fine, and my friend and I went to visit another friend of ours. Later on, dinnertime came and where do we go? A burrito place. Of course, I'm looking at the corn taco (gluten-free), but then our friends start raving about the veggie burrito's amazing yummy-ness, so I gave in.
Bad idea!
I ate the whole thing :( Then about a 45 minutes later when I got home, I had a sneezing fit like no other. My nose clogged up, but there was nothing to blow out with a tissue. I sat on the couch, miserable, started to scold myself for eating what I ate. Lots of judgment there, but I said to myself, "hey, ya made a mistake eating that burrito. Oh well. Let's be extra mindful with our eating this week."
I realized the sugary drinks from Friday set me up for this reaction, as well as staying up late, hence, the lack of sleep. It lowered my immunity big time, and now I need to detox and cleanse.
The solution? Gluten-free diet this week! Also, no alcohol and no processed sugar. I'm eating fresh foods, Amazing Grass Green Superfood, nothing processed, for the rest of week. It doesn't help that I'm going to a wedding this weekend, but at least I know I can do something about it now and be more mindful about what I drink and what I eat.
The Insight
We all fall back on our vices and bad habits. It's okay, as long as we're aware of it. If we know something isn't good for us, we can really start to inquire within and begin to make more mindful choices around the behavior we want to change.
So when you encounter whatever vice/habit it is that may create discomfort or imbalance in your body (caffeine, sugary foods, nicotine, drama, etc) take a moment to pause;
-Take a deep breath;
-Notice how your body feels at the moment;
-Track all sensations in the body
Once you've taken that moment (and believe me it only takes a moment!), then make your choice, BUT without judgment. If you start to judge yourself, be with it. What are the emotions around the judgment? It can be uncomfortable, but if you want to make a change in your lifestyle, it's about confronting and acknowledging what comes up. Ask for support from a friend or health practitioner. You don't have to do it alone. There are others who feel the same way, and struggle with their own bad habits. Be the change you want to be.
Over the weekend, I made some "food" choices that didn't agree with me. I have a slight sensitivity to gluten, so when I overdue it with those types of food I know what to do. But I didn't think sugar would set me up for a full blown allergic reaction!
Friday night was my friend's 30th birthday. I was VERY good about spacing my drinks out and drank water; however, I made the mistake of drinking sugary, mixed drinks. Don't get me wrong they were very delicious! Fresh blueberry mojitos, mmmmmmm! I had 2 of those; an hour before those I had a mandarin vodka and sprite (that was mmmmm too). So I had a total of 3 drinks all evening, and I was the slowest drinker out of the 5 people I was with.
It was the next morning where it hit me hard, with the pulsing headache, low energy, and feeling like a bag o' bricks. I also felt dehydrated, which puzzled me for a moment because I thought I drank lots of water all evening and even more when I got home. But, of course, those drinks trick your body! By mid-late afternoon, I became super sluggish, so I rested, continued to hydrate, and ate fresh foods as meals. Although, I didn't have much of an appetite, so fluids it was.
I felt better Sunday morning and into the afternoon, but it was in the late afternoon where I made another mistake. After cat sitting in Berkeley, I headed back into the city to meet up with a friend. On the bridge, stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, I realized I was SUPER, FREAKIN' HUNGRY! When I got to the cafe where I was meeting my friend, I ordered a sandwich, which came with chips, and it was gone pretty quickly (The Oops!). An hour later, I still felt fine, and my friend and I went to visit another friend of ours. Later on, dinnertime came and where do we go? A burrito place. Of course, I'm looking at the corn taco (gluten-free), but then our friends start raving about the veggie burrito's amazing yummy-ness, so I gave in.
Bad idea!
I ate the whole thing :( Then about a 45 minutes later when I got home, I had a sneezing fit like no other. My nose clogged up, but there was nothing to blow out with a tissue. I sat on the couch, miserable, started to scold myself for eating what I ate. Lots of judgment there, but I said to myself, "hey, ya made a mistake eating that burrito. Oh well. Let's be extra mindful with our eating this week."
I realized the sugary drinks from Friday set me up for this reaction, as well as staying up late, hence, the lack of sleep. It lowered my immunity big time, and now I need to detox and cleanse.
The solution? Gluten-free diet this week! Also, no alcohol and no processed sugar. I'm eating fresh foods, Amazing Grass Green Superfood, nothing processed, for the rest of week. It doesn't help that I'm going to a wedding this weekend, but at least I know I can do something about it now and be more mindful about what I drink and what I eat.
The Insight
We all fall back on our vices and bad habits. It's okay, as long as we're aware of it. If we know something isn't good for us, we can really start to inquire within and begin to make more mindful choices around the behavior we want to change.
So when you encounter whatever vice/habit it is that may create discomfort or imbalance in your body (caffeine, sugary foods, nicotine, drama, etc) take a moment to pause;
-Take a deep breath;
-Notice how your body feels at the moment;
-Track all sensations in the body
Once you've taken that moment (and believe me it only takes a moment!), then make your choice, BUT without judgment. If you start to judge yourself, be with it. What are the emotions around the judgment? It can be uncomfortable, but if you want to make a change in your lifestyle, it's about confronting and acknowledging what comes up. Ask for support from a friend or health practitioner. You don't have to do it alone. There are others who feel the same way, and struggle with their own bad habits. Be the change you want to be.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Letting go of....
I'm feeling very melancholy on this foggy, wet Monday morning. I would like to say it's because of the weather; or that it's PMS. But I feel something within me that's letting go. Something that's not serving me anymore, but isn't exactly ready to leave. It's old. It's from the past. It's heavy.
It is an old way of being that needs acknowledgment; to be heard; to be understood; and to be loved. Although, I don't exactly know what it is right now, it's okay. I'm okay with that. There's no judgment. Just inquiry. Why does my abdomen feel fluttery? Why does my heart ache? Why can't I just let go?
That last question can really charge me, especially if someone asks me that from a place of anger or frustration. Is it really me, or is it something the other person can't let go of? Then again, it's okay to be angry; and it's unfortunate not everyone expresses their anger. It usually gets bottled up inside, and then explodes.
I wish I knew how to just "let go" of a feeling, thought, or situation. When I can't, that's when I know I need time to process the emotions because once I can do that, whatever it is that's eating me up, will evaporate and flow away. I will sit quietly and meditate, do yoga, talk to a friend, journal, or just cry.
I recognize my needs. I also do my best to recognize others' needs. But in any relationship, are we suppose to be mind-readers? I do my best to recognize this, but if I don't and it's important to that person, is it my responsibility to weed it out of them, or can the other play their part in expressing their needs?
These are just questions, and I'm asking them without blaming or judgment. I don't want to label anybody the "bad guy", so I can be the "good guy". That's not what it's about.
I feel we could all take more responsibility for our actions and emotions. I feel we could all be more open, honest, and authentic about how we really feel in the moment. Not a day, week, month or year ago. I feel it's important because we ALL matter. Everything we're about, matters, especially when we're in a relationship; at work; with our family; and to ourselves.
So my affirmations today are:
-I choose to learn
-I let go
These affirmations are from a VERY favorite blog I follow called The Daily Love. Click here to read the post that inspired me to write this one.
In love and light,
-Liz
It is an old way of being that needs acknowledgment; to be heard; to be understood; and to be loved. Although, I don't exactly know what it is right now, it's okay. I'm okay with that. There's no judgment. Just inquiry. Why does my abdomen feel fluttery? Why does my heart ache? Why can't I just let go?
That last question can really charge me, especially if someone asks me that from a place of anger or frustration. Is it really me, or is it something the other person can't let go of? Then again, it's okay to be angry; and it's unfortunate not everyone expresses their anger. It usually gets bottled up inside, and then explodes.
I wish I knew how to just "let go" of a feeling, thought, or situation. When I can't, that's when I know I need time to process the emotions because once I can do that, whatever it is that's eating me up, will evaporate and flow away. I will sit quietly and meditate, do yoga, talk to a friend, journal, or just cry.
I recognize my needs. I also do my best to recognize others' needs. But in any relationship, are we suppose to be mind-readers? I do my best to recognize this, but if I don't and it's important to that person, is it my responsibility to weed it out of them, or can the other play their part in expressing their needs?
These are just questions, and I'm asking them without blaming or judgment. I don't want to label anybody the "bad guy", so I can be the "good guy". That's not what it's about.
I feel we could all take more responsibility for our actions and emotions. I feel we could all be more open, honest, and authentic about how we really feel in the moment. Not a day, week, month or year ago. I feel it's important because we ALL matter. Everything we're about, matters, especially when we're in a relationship; at work; with our family; and to ourselves.
So my affirmations today are:
-I choose to learn
-I let go
These affirmations are from a VERY favorite blog I follow called The Daily Love. Click here to read the post that inspired me to write this one.
In love and light,
-Liz
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
5 Reasons Why I Won't Detox This Year from Yoga Journal Blog
5 Reasons Why I Won't Detox This Year | Top Five Tuesdays | Yoga Blog | Yoga Journal
I thought about doing a cleanse myself, but when I read this list from the Yoga Journal Blog (click on link above), I agreed and resonated immediately with the first point. The only cleanse I've done, once a year for the past 4 years, is cut out wheat, gluten, and dairy for a couple weeks/14 days. There is a 3 day hump you have to get through, and then your body starts its "adjustment period." It's different for everyone, and I think you have to try the different types of cleanses out there to find out. I've also learned from yoga teachers and holistic health practitioners that it's important to be with those feelings and thoughts about depriving yourself of food. What emotions come up about abstaining from your favorite foods that may contain sugar, caffeine, high fructose corn syrup. dairy, wheat, etc.?
It's important to check in with yourself about cleansing, and talk to a health professional who would be able to guide you. What are your thoughts on cleanses and detoxing?
I thought about doing a cleanse myself, but when I read this list from the Yoga Journal Blog (click on link above), I agreed and resonated immediately with the first point. The only cleanse I've done, once a year for the past 4 years, is cut out wheat, gluten, and dairy for a couple weeks/14 days. There is a 3 day hump you have to get through, and then your body starts its "adjustment period." It's different for everyone, and I think you have to try the different types of cleanses out there to find out. I've also learned from yoga teachers and holistic health practitioners that it's important to be with those feelings and thoughts about depriving yourself of food. What emotions come up about abstaining from your favorite foods that may contain sugar, caffeine, high fructose corn syrup. dairy, wheat, etc.?
It's important to check in with yourself about cleansing, and talk to a health professional who would be able to guide you. What are your thoughts on cleanses and detoxing?
1. It's a little too much like a crash diet. I'm sure cleansing feels GREAT for some people, but my experience was that it felt a little too much like a punishment--like I had to deprive myself because I'd eaten poorly the rest of the year. Plus, if you buy into the part of yoga philosophy that says we're perfect the way we are (including our flaws), cleansing seems like a moot point.
2. I trust my body to "cleanse" on its own. My yoga practice has empowered me to trust my body's strength, wisdom, and defenses. I also believe that if I pay attention to my body's signals, I should naturally gravitate toward "clean" foods, anyway. Mindful eating seems a lot more balanced to me that a restrictive diet.
3. My intentions weren't quite right. I pondered the idea of another cleanse because I love the idea of releasing toxins from my body. But when I was really being honest with myself, that's not the biggest reason I considered it. First of all, my teachers and mentors cleanse every year. I look up to them, and I want to be disciplined and serious about yoga like they are. Second, it's a way to lose a few unwanted pounds. That's not the purpose of a cleanse, and if it's even in the back of your mind I think it could be a very dangerous undertaking.
4. I don't have the support system in place right now. The last time I tried a cleanse, I did it with a friend. Through the entire experience we chatted about what we were going through, compared notes, and supported each other. This was my saving grace, and I don't think I could have done it without the extra support. This year, I'm on my own--and I know that's not a recipe for success for me.
5. There aren't enough yummy fruits in season in the spring. The last cleanse I did called for eating only fresh fruits and veggies for several days. I didn't really crave things I wasn't supposed to eat, but I found myself really hankering for juicy peaches and watermelons. But, alas, these things weren't in season yet!
Are you planning to cleanse this year? Why or why not?
Monday, March 28, 2011
Emotional Storage Space
Last week, I received some bodywork/energy work and had an emotional release during the session. I felt better, but it didn't last. The very next day my throat started getting sore. I felt fine otherwise; no fever, or other cold-like symptoms. I decided to just watch it and see what happens.
The week went on, the sore throat got worse, but still, no other symptoms. I came to one conclusion that this was more energetic/emotional than an actual microbial infection. I was having memories from middle school; the sixth grade. I had reoccurring tonsilitis; and my parents just got divorce. I know at the time I was storing a lot of anger and grief about that, and at the time, didn't know how to express it. But now I'm so much more aware and have the tools to support me with expressing my emotions and needs. I know as an eleven year old, I was needing some understanding!
Then I received a lymphatic massage session on Saturday, which drew me to my other conclusion. I felt LOTS of stuff move, and even felt nausea for a moment. Also, every time my practitioner worked on my left hip side (pelvic/ovary area), which is a lymph node station, my body would tense and resist. Afterward, I received some coaching, which was really nice. I got clear on some other things I've been holding on to. I've held a lot of fear in my pelvis. Fear of being feminine. Fear of my intuition. Fear of my power. My practitioner pointed out to me that I could be going through a mini-death; a transition from an old way of being to a new way of being: Being a mother. In the past, I used to hold a lot of fear around being a mom and being pregnant. My chatter was, "how can I take care of someone else, when I can't even take care of myself?", "I'm too screwed up to be mom", or "I wouldn't be a good mom because I don't take care of myself or my relationships." I know I'm not the only one who has this chatter. I realize now that a lot of women have the same fears.
I want to be more aware and committed to nurturing this part of myself. I want to acknowledge that old way of being and embrace, accept and love the new way of being. I feel it in my body that I want to have a baby. It feels joyful, happy, and my right.
According to Anodea Judith's book, "Eastern Body, Western Mind", she explains the seven chakra centers as our seven rights. Since this past week was about my 2nd and 5th, the 2nd chakra (lower abdomen/pelvis) is the right to feel; and the 5th chakra (throat area/mouth) is the right to speak. In the past, there were many reasons why I didn't feel/think I had the right to feel or speak up for myself or express my emotions. But now I want to celebrate them! I want to move that energy in a positive, healthy way. I'm done with storing and hiding it away. I want it to be present.
Do you have a storage space in your body?
The week went on, the sore throat got worse, but still, no other symptoms. I came to one conclusion that this was more energetic/emotional than an actual microbial infection. I was having memories from middle school; the sixth grade. I had reoccurring tonsilitis; and my parents just got divorce. I know at the time I was storing a lot of anger and grief about that, and at the time, didn't know how to express it. But now I'm so much more aware and have the tools to support me with expressing my emotions and needs. I know as an eleven year old, I was needing some understanding!
Then I received a lymphatic massage session on Saturday, which drew me to my other conclusion. I felt LOTS of stuff move, and even felt nausea for a moment. Also, every time my practitioner worked on my left hip side (pelvic/ovary area), which is a lymph node station, my body would tense and resist. Afterward, I received some coaching, which was really nice. I got clear on some other things I've been holding on to. I've held a lot of fear in my pelvis. Fear of being feminine. Fear of my intuition. Fear of my power. My practitioner pointed out to me that I could be going through a mini-death; a transition from an old way of being to a new way of being: Being a mother. In the past, I used to hold a lot of fear around being a mom and being pregnant. My chatter was, "how can I take care of someone else, when I can't even take care of myself?", "I'm too screwed up to be mom", or "I wouldn't be a good mom because I don't take care of myself or my relationships." I know I'm not the only one who has this chatter. I realize now that a lot of women have the same fears.
I want to be more aware and committed to nurturing this part of myself. I want to acknowledge that old way of being and embrace, accept and love the new way of being. I feel it in my body that I want to have a baby. It feels joyful, happy, and my right.
According to Anodea Judith's book, "Eastern Body, Western Mind", she explains the seven chakra centers as our seven rights. Since this past week was about my 2nd and 5th, the 2nd chakra (lower abdomen/pelvis) is the right to feel; and the 5th chakra (throat area/mouth) is the right to speak. In the past, there were many reasons why I didn't feel/think I had the right to feel or speak up for myself or express my emotions. But now I want to celebrate them! I want to move that energy in a positive, healthy way. I'm done with storing and hiding it away. I want it to be present.
Do you have a storage space in your body?
Friday, February 18, 2011
Hormones need space
They can be so brutal sometimes. I don't mean this in a bad way necessarily. I do appreciate them because they do regulate things in my body and mine are pretty healthy as far as I know. So YAY to that! But in the past week they've been bringing up stuff.
A week ago, I had a night I couldn't sleep. Then over the past weekend, I experienced some PMS symptoms that I haven't felt in a LONG time. A lot of sadness and grief came up. I've been missing my family back east and my recently passed Nana and Baba. In the past, I used to have really bad PMS, to the point where I just let it take me over. But now, since my awareness has increased, that doesn't happen so much. In fact, I allowed myself to experience it all.
On Sunday, it was all psychological. I was anxious and moody. Everything seemed to trigger me. I got support from my husband, as well as a friend. I also had some time alone, which was the best because I had a nice, healthy cry. Then I took a bath with some lavendar oil. What a concept! Take a break, give myself and those a hormones some space! Didn't women do this WAY BACK in the day? Didn't they, and everyone in the community, honor it? There's a book called "The Red Tent" that reflects this practice. I haven't read it yet, but plan to. So after taking the bath, I felt a little better.
Then Monday came it was all somatic. My body ached and I had brain fog. Again, when I got home, I took a bath with lavender and it eased the tension, so I could feel. I couldn't sleep that night either, but this time it only took an hour for me to fall asleep. As I laid in bed, I ran my energy pattern, a technique used in a lot of different energy work. I drew my attention to my right foot and started to trace a path up my leg, but it kept stopping at my pelvis. I did this 3 more times and it stopped in the same place, so I gave all my attention and breath to this area. It made sense, especially for this time of the month. Even my ovaries were active. After about 5 minutes, I started the path again and it went all the way up my body and didn't stop. I could finally go to sleep. YAY!
I really feel it's important for women to honor these times in their lives. We really don't do it enough. We tend to hold it in, and then forget to release it. I feel my hormones triggered these emotions of grief sadness for a reason. It's as if a part of my body needed to release it, and then my hormones were there as a back up. To let me know, there's some stuff that just has to go. I used to judge and criticize myself for feeling the way I feel during this time of the month, but not anymore. It's apart of a woman's life, so it's time to embrace it and not fight it.
A week ago, I had a night I couldn't sleep. Then over the past weekend, I experienced some PMS symptoms that I haven't felt in a LONG time. A lot of sadness and grief came up. I've been missing my family back east and my recently passed Nana and Baba. In the past, I used to have really bad PMS, to the point where I just let it take me over. But now, since my awareness has increased, that doesn't happen so much. In fact, I allowed myself to experience it all.
On Sunday, it was all psychological. I was anxious and moody. Everything seemed to trigger me. I got support from my husband, as well as a friend. I also had some time alone, which was the best because I had a nice, healthy cry. Then I took a bath with some lavendar oil. What a concept! Take a break, give myself and those a hormones some space! Didn't women do this WAY BACK in the day? Didn't they, and everyone in the community, honor it? There's a book called "The Red Tent" that reflects this practice. I haven't read it yet, but plan to. So after taking the bath, I felt a little better.
Then Monday came it was all somatic. My body ached and I had brain fog. Again, when I got home, I took a bath with lavender and it eased the tension, so I could feel. I couldn't sleep that night either, but this time it only took an hour for me to fall asleep. As I laid in bed, I ran my energy pattern, a technique used in a lot of different energy work. I drew my attention to my right foot and started to trace a path up my leg, but it kept stopping at my pelvis. I did this 3 more times and it stopped in the same place, so I gave all my attention and breath to this area. It made sense, especially for this time of the month. Even my ovaries were active. After about 5 minutes, I started the path again and it went all the way up my body and didn't stop. I could finally go to sleep. YAY!
I really feel it's important for women to honor these times in their lives. We really don't do it enough. We tend to hold it in, and then forget to release it. I feel my hormones triggered these emotions of grief sadness for a reason. It's as if a part of my body needed to release it, and then my hormones were there as a back up. To let me know, there's some stuff that just has to go. I used to judge and criticize myself for feeling the way I feel during this time of the month, but not anymore. It's apart of a woman's life, so it's time to embrace it and not fight it.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Yoga teaches awareness
I really appreciate this article because I've been SOOOOOOO aware of my emotions. I'm discovering new possibilities within myself, while listening to the chatter, and feeling the emotions that come up. Yep, that's a lot. But it's okay. I thank yoga for guiding me. I don't know what I would do without it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(From YogaJournal.com Daily Insight)
Awareness Techniques
Usually, the first way Westerners learn to build awareness in yoga is by practicing the poses. But the myriad instructions heard in class aren't just designed to improve your asanas. They give your busy mind something to focus on and therefore keep you in the present moment. For people with anxiety, this is a particular blessing.
Complex instructions also force you to tune in to the subtle shifts occurring in your body. As you become more aware of these changes, you'll begin to notice subtle alterations in your mind and in your mood, too. You'll feel in a tangible way how the body and mind are connected.
As you continue to hone moment-to-moment awareness of your body, breath, emotions, and thoughts in your yoga practice, you'll bring that awareness to your daily life. When you're paying attention, you're more in touch with your thoughts and feelings as they arise in the moment, which is half the battle of resolving them. In other words, when you're able to identify that something is wrong, you can address that particular issue in the moment, rather than ignoring it and unleashing it later in some painful way.
Read the full articles:
* Feel Happier (http://www.yogajournal.com/lifestyle/2562)
* Asanas for Anxiety http://www.yogajournal.com/health/2085
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(From YogaJournal.com Daily Insight)
Awareness Techniques
Usually, the first way Westerners learn to build awareness in yoga is by practicing the poses. But the myriad instructions heard in class aren't just designed to improve your asanas. They give your busy mind something to focus on and therefore keep you in the present moment. For people with anxiety, this is a particular blessing.
Complex instructions also force you to tune in to the subtle shifts occurring in your body. As you become more aware of these changes, you'll begin to notice subtle alterations in your mind and in your mood, too. You'll feel in a tangible way how the body and mind are connected.
As you continue to hone moment-to-moment awareness of your body, breath, emotions, and thoughts in your yoga practice, you'll bring that awareness to your daily life. When you're paying attention, you're more in touch with your thoughts and feelings as they arise in the moment, which is half the battle of resolving them. In other words, when you're able to identify that something is wrong, you can address that particular issue in the moment, rather than ignoring it and unleashing it later in some painful way.
Read the full articles:
* Feel Happier (http://www.yogajournal.com/lifestyle/2562)
* Asanas for Anxiety http://www.yogajournal.com/health/2085
Thursday, November 4, 2010
break through
I can't believe how long it's been since I've written in my blog. I felt like I always had something to say, express, announce, and/or rant about. October was rich with a lot of emotion, so I know I was feeling it, and emotion can't always be put into words. I would just rather not even attempt to write about it.
I felt a breakthrough, especially around my 5th chakra (throat area=communication). In the past, this area was blocked-severely-which led me to believe that's why I clench my jaw and need to wear a mouthguard at night. One morning I felt a release in this area and it was intense. I was angry, sad, and confused, and I was having a difficult time communicating it to my husband. I had a moment alone when all I wanted to do was slam the glass I was holding against the wall. Rationally, I knew this wasn't a good idea at 7:15 in the morning. So I put it down, took a deep breath, and sat down on the couch. As I continued to breath with the emotions, I felt it rise up from my stomach, into my chest and stop at my throat and jaw. My jaw began to vibrate! Literally, I felt it! Then I proceeded to punch pillows and the couch, crying and wailing like a child. Things began to move. My feet and toes were tingling.
After I had my moment, I began to talk to my husband. I was able to clearly communicate what I was feeling (keep in mind I couldn't talk to him for a couple days!) and why I couldn't talk to him. I was confused about being confused, angry and sad. I had to allow myself to process and be with it, and trust that an answer would come within. And it did.
Ever since then, things have continued to move. I finally completed my last massage modality, Reflexology, and I'm moving more and more toward what I want. I can feel it and feels great!
I feel more trust within myself, which has allowed me to trust others, and in certain situations. I trust more in that things work themselves out. It may take time, but it's this "allowing" that keeps it flowing.
I felt a breakthrough, especially around my 5th chakra (throat area=communication). In the past, this area was blocked-severely-which led me to believe that's why I clench my jaw and need to wear a mouthguard at night. One morning I felt a release in this area and it was intense. I was angry, sad, and confused, and I was having a difficult time communicating it to my husband. I had a moment alone when all I wanted to do was slam the glass I was holding against the wall. Rationally, I knew this wasn't a good idea at 7:15 in the morning. So I put it down, took a deep breath, and sat down on the couch. As I continued to breath with the emotions, I felt it rise up from my stomach, into my chest and stop at my throat and jaw. My jaw began to vibrate! Literally, I felt it! Then I proceeded to punch pillows and the couch, crying and wailing like a child. Things began to move. My feet and toes were tingling.
After I had my moment, I began to talk to my husband. I was able to clearly communicate what I was feeling (keep in mind I couldn't talk to him for a couple days!) and why I couldn't talk to him. I was confused about being confused, angry and sad. I had to allow myself to process and be with it, and trust that an answer would come within. And it did.
Ever since then, things have continued to move. I finally completed my last massage modality, Reflexology, and I'm moving more and more toward what I want. I can feel it and feels great!
I feel more trust within myself, which has allowed me to trust others, and in certain situations. I trust more in that things work themselves out. It may take time, but it's this "allowing" that keeps it flowing.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Anger-sadness-anger-sadness-anger-sadness......
What a powerful emotion. I've been in the thick of it for the past few days, and it does what it usually does: bouncing back and forth to sadness. So many things have surfaced from my past, I don't know if it's just random memories or things that were unresolved that I need to resolve with myself or with that person I wronged in some way. I know you can't forgive someone, unless you forgive yourself first. It's SOOOOO HARD! I feel I'm close, but then something fogs up my vision and I fall back to that dark place. Depression.
It's very draining. I'm so aware of my emotions and where they're coming from. It's hard to articulate that to people sometimes, especially those close to you. Although, I can't control how others react, I still want them to know that I'm JUST angry and it's nothing on them.
Right now, I feel so done with this (as stated in my previous post) because it's so draining. In the past, I used to hold lots of anger inside my body, which came out in not so great ways. Now that my body has let go of that strategy, the emotion has to come out! Of course this is a good thing and I would much rather have it this way.
I guess my drainage is from the fluctuations from anger to sadness over and over. In my experience, sadness has always followed anger, and vice versa. Lately, it's been bouncing off each other like a raquetball gone wild in the court. When will that ball slow down? What's setting it off? Last night before falling asleep, all these memories of an ex-boyfriend came into my conscious. He was my first love, and when he broke up with me, I was so heart-broken I really felt lost. I couldn't stop caling him, and when I would see him, I was a total bitch. I was only 14 at the time and he was 17. He was so sweet to me in our relationship, even up until he broke up with me. He had no direction, no goals, and he had just graduated high school. He didn't want to hold me back. Although he explained it to me at the time, I couldn't help but think it was me. Something was wrong with me. I personalized it and blamed myself, which, OMG! I pretty much did in every relationship after that! HA HA! LOL!
Wow, it's amazing what writing can do :-)
I know this connects to a lot of things I'm still processing and working through. I'm shedding the layers; releasing things that don't serve me anymore. It's grief. Grief over losses in my life that had left me confused, lost, and uncertain. It still amazes me how one little thing can trigger such a big thing inside you. How it can take you back to the source, the cause, the root. This makes me think about Buddhism and the concept of suffering (but I'm not going to go there right now).
Seriously, Wow! It's amazing what writing can do.
It's very draining. I'm so aware of my emotions and where they're coming from. It's hard to articulate that to people sometimes, especially those close to you. Although, I can't control how others react, I still want them to know that I'm JUST angry and it's nothing on them.
Right now, I feel so done with this (as stated in my previous post) because it's so draining. In the past, I used to hold lots of anger inside my body, which came out in not so great ways. Now that my body has let go of that strategy, the emotion has to come out! Of course this is a good thing and I would much rather have it this way.
I guess my drainage is from the fluctuations from anger to sadness over and over. In my experience, sadness has always followed anger, and vice versa. Lately, it's been bouncing off each other like a raquetball gone wild in the court. When will that ball slow down? What's setting it off? Last night before falling asleep, all these memories of an ex-boyfriend came into my conscious. He was my first love, and when he broke up with me, I was so heart-broken I really felt lost. I couldn't stop caling him, and when I would see him, I was a total bitch. I was only 14 at the time and he was 17. He was so sweet to me in our relationship, even up until he broke up with me. He had no direction, no goals, and he had just graduated high school. He didn't want to hold me back. Although he explained it to me at the time, I couldn't help but think it was me. Something was wrong with me. I personalized it and blamed myself, which, OMG! I pretty much did in every relationship after that! HA HA! LOL!
Wow, it's amazing what writing can do :-)
I know this connects to a lot of things I'm still processing and working through. I'm shedding the layers; releasing things that don't serve me anymore. It's grief. Grief over losses in my life that had left me confused, lost, and uncertain. It still amazes me how one little thing can trigger such a big thing inside you. How it can take you back to the source, the cause, the root. This makes me think about Buddhism and the concept of suffering (but I'm not going to go there right now).
Seriously, Wow! It's amazing what writing can do.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Stories
I'm amazed at how many stories I have about people, things, places, and myself. It's interesting how you create a story about why something is so and it follows you through your life. A story could have been created when you were a child because whatever was happening at that time, you only had so many ways to make sense of it. Then as you got older, the stories manifested into something else. Most of the time, not in such a healthy way. My current story that keeps haunting me is "I don't belong" and "No one likes me." I know deep down, consciously, that it's not true. So why does it keep showing up. What have I NOT resolved here? This story shows up in most areas of my life: work, teaching, performance. It comes up in performance when an application I submit doesn't get accepted; or at work when everyone goes out to lunch without asking me, even though I work with them. It's hard not to play the blame-game. Again, I know they're not bad people, and I try to JUST accept it, but if it goes deep and triggers emotion, I'm sorry! You all suck!
I have to laugh because I'm curious as to why this keeps showing up in my life. I'm trying to learn why. I REALLY AM!!!!!!! Sometimes I don't want to, and would just like some peace about it. There's that saying (and book), "Don't sweat the small stuff". But what I learned in my coaching program and from therapy sessions, if something charges you that much, pay attention to it! Especially if you get emotional.
I really am SOOOO done with it.
I have to laugh because I'm curious as to why this keeps showing up in my life. I'm trying to learn why. I REALLY AM!!!!!!! Sometimes I don't want to, and would just like some peace about it. There's that saying (and book), "Don't sweat the small stuff". But what I learned in my coaching program and from therapy sessions, if something charges you that much, pay attention to it! Especially if you get emotional.
I really am SOOOO done with it.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Why are you back?
I was reading about my astrological sign yesterday, Gemini. One of the traits was something about boredom because Mercury is one of its ruling planets. I don't know much about astrology, but it made sense in some weird, cosmic way.
Yesterday, sitting at my desk, I was struggling. Not at a "work" task. Just, in general, struggling. I was uneasy, restless, bored, frustrated and angry. Thank God I work with a wonderful individual, who was able to help ease that tension. After clearing some chatter and identifying my needs under those feelings, the tension level went from a 10 to a 3-4. I'm happy that I have the tools to support myself when needed. But those feelings lingered on into the afternoon. It may not have been as intense, but it was still hanging around. I found relief talking with my therapist. I realized I haven't really dealt with my money stories yet. My relationship with money. There's been this ongoing theme around money that tends to visit me every 3 months or so. It's usually VERY unexpected, and hits me HARD with all sorts of emotions. So my therapy session yesterday helped me realize that I need to fess up to this ongoing theme. It's like a virus that you think you wiped out, but really it just gestates and hangs out in your body somewhere, until "that something" triggers it, and BOOM! It's back. Or it's like that on-again-off-again boyfriend/girlfriend, who you keep going back to and you don't know why. They just keep showing up in some way. It's at this point where you say to yourself, "What is going on and why are you back?"
Frankly, I'm done with my theme! It's a bad relationship that has to end. I'm ready to move with the fear to move past it. I'm going to see what my unconscious has to tell me. Our unconscious is always telling us something in our dreams. Maybe it's time to pay attention. So why are you back?
....stay tuned.
Yesterday, sitting at my desk, I was struggling. Not at a "work" task. Just, in general, struggling. I was uneasy, restless, bored, frustrated and angry. Thank God I work with a wonderful individual, who was able to help ease that tension. After clearing some chatter and identifying my needs under those feelings, the tension level went from a 10 to a 3-4. I'm happy that I have the tools to support myself when needed. But those feelings lingered on into the afternoon. It may not have been as intense, but it was still hanging around. I found relief talking with my therapist. I realized I haven't really dealt with my money stories yet. My relationship with money. There's been this ongoing theme around money that tends to visit me every 3 months or so. It's usually VERY unexpected, and hits me HARD with all sorts of emotions. So my therapy session yesterday helped me realize that I need to fess up to this ongoing theme. It's like a virus that you think you wiped out, but really it just gestates and hangs out in your body somewhere, until "that something" triggers it, and BOOM! It's back. Or it's like that on-again-off-again boyfriend/girlfriend, who you keep going back to and you don't know why. They just keep showing up in some way. It's at this point where you say to yourself, "What is going on and why are you back?"
Frankly, I'm done with my theme! It's a bad relationship that has to end. I'm ready to move with the fear to move past it. I'm going to see what my unconscious has to tell me. Our unconscious is always telling us something in our dreams. Maybe it's time to pay attention. So why are you back?
....stay tuned.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Body Themes
We all have something going on with our bodies one way or another. Whether it's a new or old injury, or it's something that just cracks, creaks or pops, it happens to all of us.
After I taught my Lunchtime Yoga class today, one my students (also a friend and colleague) mentioned how she was challenged in one of the poses we did, which is called Parivrtta Janu Sirsasana (revolved head-of-knee pose. pictured).
As you can see, the hip of the bend knee is getting a nice opening and that side of the trunk is getting a nice opening and length. She continued to talk about how her left hip has been having "stuff" going on there for a bit, both physically and emotionally. In fact, she has had some emotional release from bodywork in that area. Our bodies have an amazing way of telling us things, and they can be mysterious, frustrating, and down right, painful. I'm calling it Body Themes because, to me, it's a way we describe something about our bodies. So what's the theme? Is my friend's hip trying to tell her something? Has she buried some old stuff there that's not serving her anymore? When did it start?
I can totally relate to this because I've done some healing around body themes as well. For example, over the past year, I had been working on some digestive projects (sounds better than problems) and I came to realize that I hold a lot of my emotions down in my belly. My symptoms would be bloating, constipation, cramping, etc. The belly/abdomen is our power center, or the solar plexus. It's where are power, creativity and assertiveness comes from. In the past, making decisions or having a voice wasn't always a strong point in my life, so whatever emotions (fear, anger, sadness) I was feeling I would bury in my belly. When I started acknowledging this area of my body, the healing began. I was receiving bodywork/energy work and a lot of anger came up around this area of my body (and it wasn't the first time this came up in a bodywork session). I began screaming and crying, allowing myself to feel that anger, wherever, whenever and whatever it was from. Then I started breathing into it, instead of constricting around it. Afterward, I felt so much softness and space in my belly. In addition to that, my digestion improved! My constipation went away, my belly went down and no more cramping.
So I knew I had let go of some "stuff" that wasn't serving me anymore. My body was done holding onto that. I know this theme, the belly/abdomen can come up. But I know now that when I start to experience those symptoms, I can bring attention and awareness there and ask myself, "what's coming up for me right now?" "Was it something I ate?" "Was it something that person said?" "Does it feel like old stuff?"
It's important and healthy for us to feel what we feel. To breathe with and into it, instead of resisting or constricting around it. What is your body theme? Remember, to be gentle with yourself. Sometimes we are not ready to go there yet. Be patient, compassionate and loving.
After I taught my Lunchtime Yoga class today, one my students (also a friend and colleague) mentioned how she was challenged in one of the poses we did, which is called Parivrtta Janu Sirsasana (revolved head-of-knee pose. pictured).
I can totally relate to this because I've done some healing around body themes as well. For example, over the past year, I had been working on some digestive projects (sounds better than problems) and I came to realize that I hold a lot of my emotions down in my belly. My symptoms would be bloating, constipation, cramping, etc. The belly/abdomen is our power center, or the solar plexus. It's where are power, creativity and assertiveness comes from. In the past, making decisions or having a voice wasn't always a strong point in my life, so whatever emotions (fear, anger, sadness) I was feeling I would bury in my belly. When I started acknowledging this area of my body, the healing began. I was receiving bodywork/energy work and a lot of anger came up around this area of my body (and it wasn't the first time this came up in a bodywork session). I began screaming and crying, allowing myself to feel that anger, wherever, whenever and whatever it was from. Then I started breathing into it, instead of constricting around it. Afterward, I felt so much softness and space in my belly. In addition to that, my digestion improved! My constipation went away, my belly went down and no more cramping.
So I knew I had let go of some "stuff" that wasn't serving me anymore. My body was done holding onto that. I know this theme, the belly/abdomen can come up. But I know now that when I start to experience those symptoms, I can bring attention and awareness there and ask myself, "what's coming up for me right now?" "Was it something I ate?" "Was it something that person said?" "Does it feel like old stuff?"
It's important and healthy for us to feel what we feel. To breathe with and into it, instead of resisting or constricting around it. What is your body theme? Remember, to be gentle with yourself. Sometimes we are not ready to go there yet. Be patient, compassionate and loving.
Friday, May 14, 2010
The Grief Rollercoaster
I've been on a very "rollie" rollercoaster the past few days. I got back Monday night from the east coast, where I attended my Nana's wake and funeral. I took Tuesday off to rest and then back to work on Wednesday. This definitely wasn't enough time for me. I could have used more time for myself, but this society we live in kind of pushes us to "keep going". Quite frankly, that's BULLSHIT!
Why is this bullshit? Well, we all grieve differently. When someone close to us dies, we may not feel (or want to feel) the emotions right away; we may feel them in spurts; or we may need weeks or a month to really be with our grief to go back to life. I have been feeling my emotions in spurts and it's been an interesting ride. I'll feel totally fine for a minute and then anger will set in, followed by sadness, which leaves me weeping. Today is definitely a little smoother, but Wednesday just plain sucked. I really acknowledged how I felt at every moment, and when the self-judgments would enter my mind, I would say, "Okay, thank you for sharing, but fuck off and I don't care!" I don't care if I feel sad and I'm at work. I don't care if I feel angry about what you just said to me. It's not you, I just don't feel good. So let me NOT feel good.
This experience has taught me how people in our culture mask their emotions. Grief is such a huge,heavy place to be in and we don't give ourselves the permission sometimes to feel it and accept it. At least, for me, I am completely aware and present with my emotions, so I know the emotions will come and go. But not everyone accepts these emotions with kindness and compassion. So the more you resist the emotions that are showing up, the grief will persist. From my experience, I know the emotions don't feel good and who wants to not feel good. But I know it's something I have to feel in order to heal.
I have also learned that I can't take on other people's stuff, especially during these times. If people are going to react to how I'm feeling, so be it. It's not my problem. Three years ago, I would not be saying this right now. I would be feeling bad for feeling bad. But I feel more truth in myself these days. I am authentic and real about this because it is what it is. I appreciate the support from people and it's okay if I don't want it. I definitely didn't want it a couple days ago and that was fine and perfect.
We all have to ride rollercoasters in life. Some of them are fun and exhilarating; while some are fearful and draining. The important thing is that we ALL ride them, it is just that we may be on a different one at that moment. We may be on an even track just cruising. It's all beautiful! Embrace it!
Why is this bullshit? Well, we all grieve differently. When someone close to us dies, we may not feel (or want to feel) the emotions right away; we may feel them in spurts; or we may need weeks or a month to really be with our grief to go back to life. I have been feeling my emotions in spurts and it's been an interesting ride. I'll feel totally fine for a minute and then anger will set in, followed by sadness, which leaves me weeping. Today is definitely a little smoother, but Wednesday just plain sucked. I really acknowledged how I felt at every moment, and when the self-judgments would enter my mind, I would say, "Okay, thank you for sharing, but fuck off and I don't care!" I don't care if I feel sad and I'm at work. I don't care if I feel angry about what you just said to me. It's not you, I just don't feel good. So let me NOT feel good.
This experience has taught me how people in our culture mask their emotions. Grief is such a huge,heavy place to be in and we don't give ourselves the permission sometimes to feel it and accept it. At least, for me, I am completely aware and present with my emotions, so I know the emotions will come and go. But not everyone accepts these emotions with kindness and compassion. So the more you resist the emotions that are showing up, the grief will persist. From my experience, I know the emotions don't feel good and who wants to not feel good. But I know it's something I have to feel in order to heal.
I have also learned that I can't take on other people's stuff, especially during these times. If people are going to react to how I'm feeling, so be it. It's not my problem. Three years ago, I would not be saying this right now. I would be feeling bad for feeling bad. But I feel more truth in myself these days. I am authentic and real about this because it is what it is. I appreciate the support from people and it's okay if I don't want it. I definitely didn't want it a couple days ago and that was fine and perfect.
We all have to ride rollercoasters in life. Some of them are fun and exhilarating; while some are fearful and draining. The important thing is that we ALL ride them, it is just that we may be on a different one at that moment. We may be on an even track just cruising. It's all beautiful! Embrace it!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Death
it's hard being so far away when someone you love dies. my nana was strong all the way through but her little body just got tuckered out. i'm glad i got to see her one last time last weekend before she exited from the earth. now it's back home again to say those last good-byes and i-love-yous.
death is an interesting thing. we hope our loved ones live on in another place. a beautiful, calm place. we are all energy and we don't really die, it's only the bodies that we inhabit for our time on earth. at least that's what i believe and there are many beliefs out there. as i stood next to her, even though she was out because of the morphine, i know she could hear me. little twitches and even smiles would show and that comforted me. pictures of my grandfather, baba, were next to her and i knew he was there. he was there waiting for her. waiting to ease her suffering. waiting so that their souls can be together forever. as i thought these things, i felt so many emotions: sadness, love and pain, but it was beautiful. it was peaceful. it was profound. being with death is a powerful thing because you think of your own mortality and those present in your life. you also think of those who have already transcended which can be good because it's undone grief.
i know she's at peace now. i know she's reunited with my grandfather and all her family and friends who, too have passed. what things can we do for ourselves during this time?
it's amazing how my appetite has decreased, even my water intake. i force myself to just do eat and drink because i know i have to. i know things will get easier no matter how long the funk is here. it's temporary and i will move through it. right now it's about moving through the funk no matter how thick, a sludgy it is. gotta get through the dark to get to light.
death is an interesting thing. we hope our loved ones live on in another place. a beautiful, calm place. we are all energy and we don't really die, it's only the bodies that we inhabit for our time on earth. at least that's what i believe and there are many beliefs out there. as i stood next to her, even though she was out because of the morphine, i know she could hear me. little twitches and even smiles would show and that comforted me. pictures of my grandfather, baba, were next to her and i knew he was there. he was there waiting for her. waiting to ease her suffering. waiting so that their souls can be together forever. as i thought these things, i felt so many emotions: sadness, love and pain, but it was beautiful. it was peaceful. it was profound. being with death is a powerful thing because you think of your own mortality and those present in your life. you also think of those who have already transcended which can be good because it's undone grief.
i know she's at peace now. i know she's reunited with my grandfather and all her family and friends who, too have passed. what things can we do for ourselves during this time?
it's amazing how my appetite has decreased, even my water intake. i force myself to just do eat and drink because i know i have to. i know things will get easier no matter how long the funk is here. it's temporary and i will move through it. right now it's about moving through the funk no matter how thick, a sludgy it is. gotta get through the dark to get to light.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Balance Emotions
Something to add to my previous post. A wonderful exercise to do when that wave builds up or the current increases. It's all about the breath!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(From Yoga Journal Daily Insight)
We all have moments of insecurity—moments where we really dread something to come. During these moments, examine your feelings, which can lead you to a sense of solace.
But that's easier said than done. How can you move smoothly from fear and anxiety to insight and freedom? One technique is paying attention to sensations and the feelings that accompany them. Each time you focus on your breath, each time you relax and listen to your feelings, you open yourself to the present.
When you simply witness your feelings instead of reacting to them, you allow your life to unfold organically and you open a doorway to greater sympathy and understanding. Most important, you develop your capacity to be free in an often challenging and turbulent world.
 |
IN THIS ISSUE |
Wave Rider |
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
the recovery process begins...
since my surgery, i've been resting. what is that? in a way, it's like i don't know how to. i read 2 books so far and i'm on my third, with 3 to go! i've been watching silly movies to keep my spirits up and taking little walks even if it's just for a cup of tea at the local coffee shop. my first day out was saturday to the beach. what a glorious day! then on sunday, more outdoor walking about. walking is weird sometimes but it's getting better. there's pressure near the incisions and at first, i felt scared and uneasy about walking. walking around the apartment is okay because i feel safer. maybe it's pain meds making me feel this way. Ah! yes, the pain meds what a trip and that's exactly what they put you on. a trip. a bad trip. even though it helped with initial pain, the after-effects are awful. i would feel out of control with my emotions. feeling out of control with my emotions was a familiar episode I used to take on a lot. but not feeling that way for years and then suddenly being induced into it was, plainly, shitty.
my first night after the surgery, i began weeping in my bed. it must have been the vicodin. that stuff's intense. joe embraced me until i fell asleep. then after that i just stuck with ibprofen 600mg because i didn't want to feel that again. then 2 nights later, it happened again. my whole body ached, not just the incision sites. joints and muscles. it must've been the anesthesia and painkillers leaving my body. i began weeping again. usually i have an idea of why i'm crying, but it's sucks when you don't have any idea. damn, that shit is powerful! thank God for essential oils such as lavendar. it saved me during this episode.
so finally be able to get out of the apartment helped with those symptoms. i was confined for 3 days but I know some people are confined longer, so i felt grateful for my body at that moment, being able to go for a ride in the car and walk a little hear and there.
it's sometimes hard to know what to write, especially about not-so-pleasant things that happen. i'm trying to reconnect with that part of my body that had to endure the surgery. the trauma. of course it was a different type of trauma this time. it's been very emotional. i'll close my eyes and focus on my 2nd chakra area and begin crying. why? i don't know. sometimes it's out of compassion. sometimes it's out of anger and frustration. it's a lot of different things. emotions. feelings. thoughts. beliefs. insights. so it goes from here. Yay! for recovery!
my first night after the surgery, i began weeping in my bed. it must have been the vicodin. that stuff's intense. joe embraced me until i fell asleep. then after that i just stuck with ibprofen 600mg because i didn't want to feel that again. then 2 nights later, it happened again. my whole body ached, not just the incision sites. joints and muscles. it must've been the anesthesia and painkillers leaving my body. i began weeping again. usually i have an idea of why i'm crying, but it's sucks when you don't have any idea. damn, that shit is powerful! thank God for essential oils such as lavendar. it saved me during this episode.
so finally be able to get out of the apartment helped with those symptoms. i was confined for 3 days but I know some people are confined longer, so i felt grateful for my body at that moment, being able to go for a ride in the car and walk a little hear and there.
it's sometimes hard to know what to write, especially about not-so-pleasant things that happen. i'm trying to reconnect with that part of my body that had to endure the surgery. the trauma. of course it was a different type of trauma this time. it's been very emotional. i'll close my eyes and focus on my 2nd chakra area and begin crying. why? i don't know. sometimes it's out of compassion. sometimes it's out of anger and frustration. it's a lot of different things. emotions. feelings. thoughts. beliefs. insights. so it goes from here. Yay! for recovery!
Friday, October 9, 2009
Connecting with myself
Wow, it's been a crazy month! Lots of stuff, growth and projects. Over the past month, I've realized how important it is to really take care of yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. A month ago, my friend from college passed away suddenly. It was a very surreal experience for me, my husband and the friends I reconnected with at the funeral. Even though it was a sad time, it was also celebration time. Celebration of life! This friend really moved a lot of people in different ways.
Before this happened, I had decided to cut back on my massage school classes to give myself some space and a break. I decided it was time to really connect with my emotions and my needs. As I've been doing this over the past month, shifts and changes have occurred and I don't feel the resistance. I moved through whatever it was that came up and to just, be with myself; give compassion to myself; give myself time to process and rest. Of course, we all get into bad moods and I sure let myself be in one about a week ago. But it's good to acknowledge that it's happening and choose what to do next. I chose ease and joy. So I dug into my toolbox and did some breathing, yoga, talked to people or had some alone time. These were things that I would never do for myself in the past. I used to feel I always had to keep pushing and pushing through. It's okay to do that to a point, but I needed to check in with myself on those occasions when frustration or anger would occur. I would say to myself, "Hey Liz, what's going?", "How do you feel?", "What do you need?". Sometimes I wouldn't know the answers right away, but that's okay. Perhaps, it was about accepting what is and not getting myself tangled up with it, which would create more tension.
We did an exercise in class last night and it was to answer the question, "Who loves me?". one of the people I wrote was ME! I appreciate myself for connecting, being, accepting, feeling, needing, caring, and loving myself. In the past I never had a lot of self-confidence and now I can say, and believe, that I do! What a ride!
Before this happened, I had decided to cut back on my massage school classes to give myself some space and a break. I decided it was time to really connect with my emotions and my needs. As I've been doing this over the past month, shifts and changes have occurred and I don't feel the resistance. I moved through whatever it was that came up and to just, be with myself; give compassion to myself; give myself time to process and rest. Of course, we all get into bad moods and I sure let myself be in one about a week ago. But it's good to acknowledge that it's happening and choose what to do next. I chose ease and joy. So I dug into my toolbox and did some breathing, yoga, talked to people or had some alone time. These were things that I would never do for myself in the past. I used to feel I always had to keep pushing and pushing through. It's okay to do that to a point, but I needed to check in with myself on those occasions when frustration or anger would occur. I would say to myself, "Hey Liz, what's going?", "How do you feel?", "What do you need?". Sometimes I wouldn't know the answers right away, but that's okay. Perhaps, it was about accepting what is and not getting myself tangled up with it, which would create more tension.
We did an exercise in class last night and it was to answer the question, "Who loves me?". one of the people I wrote was ME! I appreciate myself for connecting, being, accepting, feeling, needing, caring, and loving myself. In the past I never had a lot of self-confidence and now I can say, and believe, that I do! What a ride!
Monday, August 24, 2009
Healing through Performance Work
I had a wonderful rehearsal yesterday! I felt so productive and organized. Not so easy to do when you're working on a solo. I feel like I have a title developing as well, "Bardos" or "The Bardos of the Self". In a way I don't want the title to be too long but say a lot. The whole concept and title of the show is "Limbo: What happens between" which says a lot. My interpretation, especially for my piece, is that we've all been in a "limbo" in our lives--struggle, conflict, depression, joy, happiness, fear, purgatory--whether good or bad. We've felt it and experienced it. I know for the past 2 or 3 years I've been having many limbos! Now that I'm so conscious and aware of them, I'm going back to those places and playing! It's been difficult and refreshing at the same time. There's no black and white all the time. There is gray, and it's up to us to acknowledge that and just accept it.
I'm videotaping my run-throughs too that way I have sections to work with. I worked on the beginning yesterday which is very soft. It's as if my body was bouncing through nothing with no resistance and full control. Then as the 2nd track started, I started to react in different ways to the space and environment. As if the environment was like a random weather pattern-a little breezy to windy to choppy high winds. Then I would crouch down for cover and slowly walk through it all as if I was being watched. but by who? Then there is everything and everyone before me. I look down to see a mirror (face down) on the ground. I slowly pick it up with curiosity. As I turn it to my reflection, I'm horrified, and filled with fear. Is that really me? Is that the truth? What is that? Who is that? What is that person doing with their life? Those questions we ask ourselves when we're stuck in a rut. They can be so painful and intense sometimes. In my experience, they were very painful and self-judgmental. My body relives it in this piece. It's very emotional but so healing.
I'm videotaping my run-throughs too that way I have sections to work with. I worked on the beginning yesterday which is very soft. It's as if my body was bouncing through nothing with no resistance and full control. Then as the 2nd track started, I started to react in different ways to the space and environment. As if the environment was like a random weather pattern-a little breezy to windy to choppy high winds. Then I would crouch down for cover and slowly walk through it all as if I was being watched. but by who? Then there is everything and everyone before me. I look down to see a mirror (face down) on the ground. I slowly pick it up with curiosity. As I turn it to my reflection, I'm horrified, and filled with fear. Is that really me? Is that the truth? What is that? Who is that? What is that person doing with their life? Those questions we ask ourselves when we're stuck in a rut. They can be so painful and intense sometimes. In my experience, they were very painful and self-judgmental. My body relives it in this piece. It's very emotional but so healing.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Be Kind, Don't Rewind
I'm very inspired by this article. It's rekindled my interest in yogic philosophy. From all the work I've done on myself over the years, I feel I can finally understand and resonate completely with this body of knowledge. We all have these mental and emotional patterns called samskaras (yogic text) which is another way of saying that negative self-talk or mind chatter. It's those same things that you tell yourself over and over again--self-judgements, judgements of others, low self-esteem, etc. But we're not always aware of what it REALLY does to our whole being. How it stops us from really doing what we want. The way the fear can take over our whole body. For instance, in yoga postures, going upside down into an inversion such as handstand or shoulderstand. Just the thought of it can stir up a lot of fear and self-judgement like, "I can't do that!" "I'm this....I'm that" and so on. These places can be very uncomfortable, so it's easier to just be in the more familiar, comfortable place such as, "I just won't do that" or "maybe I'll try that later" place.
In my experience, when I started taking yoga classes regularly, I avoided going up into handstand against the wall in class. I would see all the other students of all ages and sizes go up all the way; half way or at least attempt to kick up their leg. I would just sit there with a pit in my stomach and my mind chatter telling me, "You're not strong enough", "You're gonna fall over and embarrass yourself", "you're not graceful enough", "you can't do it", "it's just too hard" and so on and so on. I believed it! However, I always showed up to class and practiced on my own with another voice telling me, "I want to do it", "it looks like fun", "I know I can if I just try". Of course, what I know now, I didn't know then, happened. My teacher started teaching us variations of handstand such as walking our feet up the wall, just so we could experience being upside down but have the support and safety of the wall. This is what woke up my body and the self-confidence that was lingering somewhere inside me. Before I knew it, I kicked one leg up the wall and came down with so much adrenaline and energy I was shaking all over. After that obstacle, I couldn't stop! I started kicking up and staying for at least 10 seconds and finally working my way up to a minute!
So what I've learned from this experience and others where fear and doubt stop me in my tracks, is that we all feel these feelings and it's okay to feel them. Just feel them. Acknowledge them. Be with them. Then, set an intention for what you want to create out of the situation, whether it be ease, fun, peace, connection to your body and breath. These samskaras can hold us back from moving forward in our lives. They can keep us from feeling joy everyday in what we do. But we can learn from them, once we bring awareness, compassion and acceptance into ourselves the possibilities become endless.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(From yogajournal.com daily insight)
According to yogic philosophy, we're born with a karmic inheritance of mental and emotional patterns—known as samskaras—through which we cycle over and over again during our lives.
The word samskara comes from the Sanskrit sam ("complete," or "joined together") and kara ("action," "cause," or "doing"). In addition to being generalized patterns, samskaras are individual impressions, ideas, or actions; taken together, our samskaras make up our conditioning. Repeating samskaras reinforces them, creating a groove that is difficult to resist. Samskaras can be positive—imagine the selfless acts of Mother Theresa. They can also be negative, as in the self-lacerating mental patterns that underlie low self-esteem and self-destructive relationships. The negative samskaras are what hinder our positive evolution.
But with mindfulness, right intention, and a lot of patience, you can turn your negative patterns into positives. The first step is to become aware of when you're falling into your habits.
IN THIS ISSUE
Stuck in a Rut?
http://www.yogajournal.com/lifestyle/1318
In my experience, when I started taking yoga classes regularly, I avoided going up into handstand against the wall in class. I would see all the other students of all ages and sizes go up all the way; half way or at least attempt to kick up their leg. I would just sit there with a pit in my stomach and my mind chatter telling me, "You're not strong enough", "You're gonna fall over and embarrass yourself", "you're not graceful enough", "you can't do it", "it's just too hard" and so on and so on. I believed it! However, I always showed up to class and practiced on my own with another voice telling me, "I want to do it", "it looks like fun", "I know I can if I just try". Of course, what I know now, I didn't know then, happened. My teacher started teaching us variations of handstand such as walking our feet up the wall, just so we could experience being upside down but have the support and safety of the wall. This is what woke up my body and the self-confidence that was lingering somewhere inside me. Before I knew it, I kicked one leg up the wall and came down with so much adrenaline and energy I was shaking all over. After that obstacle, I couldn't stop! I started kicking up and staying for at least 10 seconds and finally working my way up to a minute!
So what I've learned from this experience and others where fear and doubt stop me in my tracks, is that we all feel these feelings and it's okay to feel them. Just feel them. Acknowledge them. Be with them. Then, set an intention for what you want to create out of the situation, whether it be ease, fun, peace, connection to your body and breath. These samskaras can hold us back from moving forward in our lives. They can keep us from feeling joy everyday in what we do. But we can learn from them, once we bring awareness, compassion and acceptance into ourselves the possibilities become endless.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(From yogajournal.com daily insight)
According to yogic philosophy, we're born with a karmic inheritance of mental and emotional patterns—known as samskaras—through which we cycle over and over again during our lives.
The word samskara comes from the Sanskrit sam ("complete," or "joined together") and kara ("action," "cause," or "doing"). In addition to being generalized patterns, samskaras are individual impressions, ideas, or actions; taken together, our samskaras make up our conditioning. Repeating samskaras reinforces them, creating a groove that is difficult to resist. Samskaras can be positive—imagine the selfless acts of Mother Theresa. They can also be negative, as in the self-lacerating mental patterns that underlie low self-esteem and self-destructive relationships. The negative samskaras are what hinder our positive evolution.
But with mindfulness, right intention, and a lot of patience, you can turn your negative patterns into positives. The first step is to become aware of when you're falling into your habits.
IN THIS ISSUE
Stuck in a Rut?
http://www.yogajournal.com/lifestyle/1318
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)