Anger-sadness-anger-sadness-anger-sadness......

What a powerful emotion. I've been in the thick of it for the past few days, and it does what it usually does: bouncing back and forth to sadness. So many things have surfaced from my past, I don't know if it's just random memories or things that were unresolved that I need to resolve with myself or with that person I wronged in some way. I know you can't forgive someone, unless you forgive yourself first. It's SOOOOO HARD! I feel I'm close, but then something fogs up my vision and I fall back to that dark place. Depression.

It's very draining. I'm so aware of my emotions and where they're coming from. It's hard to articulate that to people sometimes, especially those close to you. Although, I can't control how others react, I still want them to know that I'm JUST angry and it's nothing on them.

Right now, I feel so done with this (as stated in my previous post) because it's so draining. In the past, I used to hold lots of anger inside my body, which came out in not so great ways. Now that my body has let go of that strategy, the emotion has to come out! Of course this is a good thing and I would much rather have it this way.

I guess my drainage is from the fluctuations from anger to sadness over and over. In my experience, sadness has always followed anger, and vice versa. Lately, it's been bouncing off each other like a raquetball gone wild in the court. When will that ball slow down? What's setting it off? Last night before falling asleep, all these memories of an ex-boyfriend came into my conscious. He was my first love, and when he broke up with me, I was so heart-broken I really felt lost. I couldn't stop caling him, and when I would see him, I was a total bitch. I was only 14 at the time and he was 17. He was so sweet to me in our relationship, even up until he broke up with me. He had no direction, no goals, and he had just graduated high school. He didn't want to hold me back. Although he explained it to me at the time, I couldn't help but think it was me. Something was wrong with me. I personalized it and blamed myself, which, OMG! I pretty much did in every relationship after that! HA HA! LOL!

Wow, it's amazing what writing can do :-)

I know this connects to a lot of things I'm still processing and working through. I'm shedding the layers; releasing things that don't serve me anymore. It's grief. Grief over losses in my life that had left me confused, lost, and uncertain. It still amazes me how one little thing can trigger such a big thing inside you. How it can take you back to the source, the cause, the root. This makes me think about Buddhism and the concept of suffering (but I'm not going to go there right now).

Seriously, Wow! It's amazing what writing can do.

So I guess I'll...

I haven't really been inspired to write lately. Or maybe I have and I'm just thinking about it too much.  So I guess I'll just start writing and see what happens. 

This past weekend I was suppose to have my last massage class EVER, and it was cancelled. Unfortunately, I wasn't notified, so I showed up and was told that it was canceled. Oh well. But WAITA MINUTE! Then again this is how my school operates sometimes, and everyone knows it.  So that annoyed me, but I was happy I didn't let it ruin my weekend because the weather was beautiful here.  I also got to attend a free two hour workshop on Optimizing Your Health. Another plus! But it's healthy to rant, right? Right!

I'm also preparing an application for a performance series.  I want to present some recent work I did with my friend/collaborator, so I've been kicking myself in the butt to get that done. However, I'm close and it's due this Thursday, so I've got time on my side.

So I guess I'll just rant (which I pretty much just did).  Right now, I wish I didn't have to work my day job.  Right now, I want to teach, connect, share, dance, show, be, run, jog, laugh, cry, scream...I think the list could go on, but I'm gonna stop there before something happens at my work desk right now, where I  scare or trigger someone (like my boss) around me. 

Wow, sometimes ranting can make it all good.

Developing Performance Work

I have a performance in October and I'm feeling overwhelmed with all the material I have. It's like I have too much! This can be both good and bad, but the last time I was rehearsing it was hard for me go with something. I kept stopping and starting over. Using past material or tweeking it. This is a solo piece which, for me, can be difficult. I'm going to ask others for feedback once I get something going. It's funny because I've done 10-15 minute solo before and now I'm having trouble with this one. Maybe it's because it's going to be in a more formal setting (theater, lights, sounds,etc.) or maybe it wasn't my day that last time I rehearsed or maybe it's because it's going to be a whopping 20 minutes! I know we have our days, even when working with groups of people which I'm used to doing most of the time. The one solution that keeps coming to me is writing. I need to do more writing. Yes, I'm busy with school and work but I know I can set aside time to really do some writing about my work. I also videotaped 2 of my rehearsals which will give me plenty of ideas! I guess I needed to just "write" this out first to get clear. I feel I need to go with my intuition with things but it's funny how it can also stop you.