Why are you back?

I was reading about my astrological sign yesterday, Gemini.  One of the traits was something about boredom because Mercury is one of its ruling planets. I don't know much about astrology, but it made sense in some weird, cosmic way. 

Yesterday, sitting at my desk, I was struggling.  Not at a "work" task. Just, in general, struggling.  I was uneasy, restless, bored, frustrated and angry.  Thank God I work with a wonderful individual, who was able to help ease that tension.  After clearing some chatter and identifying my needs under those feelings, the tension level went from a 10 to a 3-4.  I'm happy that I have the tools to support myself when needed.  But those feelings lingered on into the afternoon. It may not have been as intense, but it was still hanging around.  I found relief talking with my therapist.  I realized I haven't really dealt with my money stories yet.  My relationship with money. There's been this ongoing theme around money that tends to visit me every 3 months or so.  It's usually VERY unexpected, and hits me HARD with all sorts of emotions.  So my therapy session yesterday helped me realize that I need to fess up to this ongoing theme. It's like a virus that you think you wiped out, but really it just gestates and hangs out in your body somewhere, until "that something" triggers it, and BOOM! It's back.  Or it's like that on-again-off-again boyfriend/girlfriend, who you keep going back to and you don't know why. They just keep showing up in some way.  It's at this point where you say to yourself, "What is going on and why are you back?"

Frankly, I'm done with my theme! It's a bad relationship that has to end.  I'm ready to move with the fear to move past it.  I'm going to see what my unconscious has to tell me.  Our unconscious is always telling us something in our dreams. Maybe it's time to pay attention.  So why are you back?

....stay tuned.

Spending on myself

since a lot of money stuff has come over the past month, spending any money on myself has been at the WAY bottom of the list.  so. that right away, doesn't feel good.  yes, i have bills to pay, but so does everyone, right?  I want to enjoy life; not let something like paying bills get in the way.  it has to be done. it's an ongoing thing. 

my birthday is coming up in a couple weeks ( a week and a half).  my husband had suggested going to a nice bed and breakfast somewhere along the coast.  well, my "money program" kicked in and said, "No Way are you going anywhere! It's going to be expensive and a waste of money".  Okay, that makes me feel like shit right away.  In fact, the tears are coming.  it's a special day to be celebrated; so why these beliefs? where did they come from? I'm SO DONE! i know i've said that before, but it keeps coming up for me.  what is this force trying to teach me?

I could read the book on it; go to a workshop on it; and continue to process it with my therapist.  I know I've made some progress, but when I find myself right back at those negative thoughts and beliefs, it feels like I've taken a step back.  The flow is being cut off.  Something is causing me to paddle up the river.  Ugh.

Since my birthday is coming up, I began to think about what I want to spend on myself.  First of all, I'm taking the day off because it falls on a Wednesday and I'm NOT working, so that's a start.  I keep seeing specials for spas and massages, so I think I'm going to go to a spa for a part of the day, get me a massage, maybe a facial and my toes done.  That right away made me feel better!  Regardless if my husband wants to treat me or help me out with it, I AM GOING TO LOVE IT! I want to ALLOW myself to spend money on myself. I want to pamper and LOVE myself on MY DAY.  I want to APPRECIATE and ACCEPT myself for where I'm at.  We all know the saying, "we only live once."  But what does that really mean?  I could analyze it but I'm not going to. 

How do you feel when you spend on yourself? How often do you do it? What feelings come up? I would love to know, even if this isn't a problem for you. 

Those money stories

I got stuck in my money story again.  My husband and I had a financial discussion last night, and no matter how much they suck, it had to be done.  Everyone has a money story, or a money program.  My money story is called "I'm never going to get ahead and there's never enough."  I think my money program is called Mom's scary money program.  Who knows? We all get our money stories from what we experienced around us growing up.  I know I heard random things about money come out of my parents mouths, which what they probably got from their parents and so on.  There's no one to blame. It happens.  I lived with my mom after my parents divorced, but my dad was still very much involved in my life.  I'm still working with my money stories and may not have them set-in-stone, but I have an idea.

I guess seeing my mom take care of everything in her life and mine (up until I was 18 and went to college) gave me this story that you have to struggle to keep up.  You can't always spend how you want, when you want.  I was lucky through college to have both my parents pay for my education and my dad pay for my housing. All I had to take care of was food and whatever bills I had, which wasn't a lot.  Then after college, I got a job and could totally deal.  I never went on credit card spending spree ever! I saw friends do it and it didn't appeal to me.  Then again, I was in a different experience then they were. Of course, as you get older, you want more things and want to go to different places. I moved to San Francisco, an expensive city like New York.  Things came up such as changing jobs, trainings and programs I wanted to take which accumulated over time.  Marriage, etc.  Then mis-management with finances happens and you get stuck. 

So I don't know where I'm going with this and it may be I'm writing this more for myself, but I think it's good to look at how we experience money in our lives.  We can learn and support each other,instead of judging or complaining about it.  I started to seek support in my own community, which has helped tremendously.  Although my husband and I are working together on this, I still need some of that outside insight. 

what are your money stories? how do you generally feel about money?  how did your parents view money?

I would love to hear comments! 

Money: A Love/Hate Relationship

I love money and I hate it.  What I would really like is to love it.  So why do I hate it too? This is an area of my life that I would really love to investigate further, but for now, this blog entry is probably going to be a rant and vent, so thanks for listening.

I guess I love money when I can actually use it towards things that are pleasurable such as trips, eating out, shopping, etc. Who doesn't?  I hate it when I have to pay a credit card company who jacked up their interest rates a gazillion times.  I don't mind money when I have to put it towards things like my car, for example, car insurance, gas, etc.  I love having a car and with a car, comes maintenance.  So that's fine. Rent. I could complain about the rates 'til the cows come home, but honestly I choose to live in an expensive city/area.

Now, I could go down the list of things and justify it, but I'll totally bore myself and repeat myself because I know why my money goes where it goes.  Presently, the primary obstacle that I have been running into is that I find out about certain yoga or dance workshops, classes, trainings that I'm interested in but can't put the money down.  Then I go into this whole shpeel that if I didn't have to pay this or that bill I could go. But what ends up happening is that I go down this negative spiral and end up blaming myself for all the debt I created in my life.  I feel sooooo done doing this to myself! My relationship with money has been a roller coaster these past few weeks and before that I thought I was doing okay.  So what gives? I would love to attend a workshop about money relationships, but you have to spend "money" to go. Hahahaha! See.

I, honestly, know deep down that I'm okay. Financially, I'm making it okay.  So why do I feel myself wanting more now! I feel worth more than what I'm making.  I've read about the Law of Attraction.  I always try to use those principles in order to get into a more positive vibe about money.  I guess there are those times when it just gets overwhelming, especially during the unknown times.  When you really don't know when money is going to come in.  It can be scary.  But it's going to be okay.

Routine Change

It's amazing how us humans function on routine.  If we don't have one, we could go insane or just feel imbalanced.  I know that's how I felt when I was on medical leave, especially towards the end. It's my 2nd day back to work and I still feel very refreshed and rested.  I'm looking forward to getting back into my yoga routine again and, in general, exercise.

However, I also think about my usual routine: M-F get up, shower, dress, go to work, after work go home or to another activity, then bed.  Sat and Sun are different and it depends on what needs to get done that didn't during the week or something leisure and fun could be an option.

Then I thought "I wonder what my routine would be if I was working for myself?".  Perhaps I need to create this. Write this down.  For instance, I had a little moment of worry over money this week and what always comes to mind is that I have a steady paycheck and thank God for that! But if I work for myself, that's not exactly going to be the case.  I know this has to be carefully thought out and organized, so that I know what money is coming in and going out.  But also I feel I need to look at my relationship with money (which is a whole other topic. Later on that one).

Changing my routine is exciting and scary at the same time.  I feel my heart race with anticipation and also with anxiety.  I know I can do it.  I have to. I want to. So why do I feel this resistance? this worry? this fear? Why can't the positive and good things take me over more? Why can't I feel joy about it? It's a paradox that just doesn't want to quit sometimes.  But my readiness is there. I can feel it.  It's growing stronger day by day.  So let's focus on that. 

Money Meditation

(From YogaJournal.com Daily Insight)

When economic times are bad, remember that everything that arises in the world of form is impermanent. The impermanence of our economic well-being—which, for many of us, is synonymous with "survival"—can, of course, create a sense of freak-out. But such fears are rarely based on a present-moment experience of lack. The mind's tendency is to extrapolate today's minor disturbance into something much larger and more threatening tomorrow.

Experienced yoga practitioners are not necessarily immune; many a yogi and wise sage lose their cool when it comes to the possibility of financial loss. But if we know where to look, yoga gives us many tools that we can call on in times of distress.

While you're in the midst of worry, anxiety, or any negative emotional states, try this twist on a traditional lovingkindness (metta) meditation: "May I feel this fear for all the other who are worried and anxious right now, so that they don't have to." This takes you out of your self-concern and reminds you of your interconnectedness with all beings, which will create a profound sense of relief.



IN THIS ISSUE
Financial Freak
http://www.yogajournal.com/lifestyle/2737


Wallet Worries
http://www.yogajournal.com/lifestyle/2738