break through

I can't believe how long it's been since I've written in my blog. I felt like I always had something to say, express, announce, and/or rant about. October was rich with a lot of emotion, so I know I was feeling it, and emotion can't always be put into words. I would just rather not even attempt to write about it.

I felt a breakthrough, especially around my 5th chakra (throat area=communication). In the past, this area was blocked-severely-which led me to believe that's why I clench my jaw and need to wear a mouthguard at night. One morning I felt a release in this area and it was intense. I was angry, sad, and confused, and I was having a difficult time communicating it to my husband. I had a moment alone when all I wanted to do was slam the glass I was holding against the wall. Rationally, I knew this wasn't a good idea at 7:15 in the morning. So I put it down, took a deep breath, and sat down on the couch. As I continued to breath with the emotions, I felt it rise up from my stomach, into my chest and stop at my throat and jaw. My jaw began to vibrate! Literally, I felt it! Then I proceeded to punch pillows and the couch, crying and wailing like a child. Things began to move. My feet and toes were tingling.

After I had my moment, I began to talk to my husband. I was able to clearly communicate what I was feeling (keep in mind I couldn't talk to him for a couple days!) and why I couldn't talk to him. I was confused about being confused, angry and sad. I had to allow myself to process and be with it, and trust that an answer would come within. And it did.

Ever since then, things have continued to move. I finally completed my last massage modality, Reflexology, and I'm moving more and more toward what I want. I can feel it and feels great!

I feel more trust within myself, which has allowed me to trust others, and in certain situations. I trust more in that things work themselves out. It may take time, but it's this "allowing" that keeps it flowing.

Spending on myself

since a lot of money stuff has come over the past month, spending any money on myself has been at the WAY bottom of the list.  so. that right away, doesn't feel good.  yes, i have bills to pay, but so does everyone, right?  I want to enjoy life; not let something like paying bills get in the way.  it has to be done. it's an ongoing thing. 

my birthday is coming up in a couple weeks ( a week and a half).  my husband had suggested going to a nice bed and breakfast somewhere along the coast.  well, my "money program" kicked in and said, "No Way are you going anywhere! It's going to be expensive and a waste of money".  Okay, that makes me feel like shit right away.  In fact, the tears are coming.  it's a special day to be celebrated; so why these beliefs? where did they come from? I'm SO DONE! i know i've said that before, but it keeps coming up for me.  what is this force trying to teach me?

I could read the book on it; go to a workshop on it; and continue to process it with my therapist.  I know I've made some progress, but when I find myself right back at those negative thoughts and beliefs, it feels like I've taken a step back.  The flow is being cut off.  Something is causing me to paddle up the river.  Ugh.

Since my birthday is coming up, I began to think about what I want to spend on myself.  First of all, I'm taking the day off because it falls on a Wednesday and I'm NOT working, so that's a start.  I keep seeing specials for spas and massages, so I think I'm going to go to a spa for a part of the day, get me a massage, maybe a facial and my toes done.  That right away made me feel better!  Regardless if my husband wants to treat me or help me out with it, I AM GOING TO LOVE IT! I want to ALLOW myself to spend money on myself. I want to pamper and LOVE myself on MY DAY.  I want to APPRECIATE and ACCEPT myself for where I'm at.  We all know the saying, "we only live once."  But what does that really mean?  I could analyze it but I'm not going to. 

How do you feel when you spend on yourself? How often do you do it? What feelings come up? I would love to know, even if this isn't a problem for you. 

The Prosperity Game

I've been playing this game called "The Prosperity Game."  I found it in Esther Hick's book, Ask and It is Given.  Since a lot of stuff has come up around money, a friend of mine suggested this. 

The game goes like this: 

Create a fake checkbook or spreadsheet (I've been using excel).  On the first day, deposit $1000 into your "play" bank account, then spend it on whatever you like, but be specific.  On  the second day, deposit $2000 and spend it; then on the third, $3000; then so on and so on until you get up to $50,000, which will equal out to 50 days.  You want to notice how you feel every time you write a check or how you spend the money.  Eventually, it helps you be more comfortable with spending money in general. You can play the game as many times as you want.  The key aspect to this game is to be specific as to what you're spending.  For instance, instead of just spending $400 on a plane ticket, where are you going?  I wrote Hawaii one time and then Portland, Oregon for another.  Another time I specifically indicated I spent $90 on a pair of Keen flat shoes, instead of just shoes. The game also has to do with the Law of Attraction and the Art of Allowing.

I know I don't allow myself to enjoy spending my money.  Whenever I get my paycheck or other income, I almost yell at myself for wanting to spend it on something fun, instead of bills.  I should spend it on bills.  But I know that has to be done, so why can't I feel good about that? 

I could be grateful for whatever money comes in and when I spend it on bills or a fun get-away to Hawaii, I will be grateful about either one of them! It's like I let the money control ME, instead of ME controlling the money. Ha ha ha, what a realization that was!

The game continues.....

The Universe takes care of me and us!

I wanted to share something that's been manifesting for me. In the past, I have been one to cram my schedule and not leave time for myself and for loved ones. For the past couple months, I have been thinning out my schedule; learning put myself first; and to say "no" to things. Lately, for the past few weeks, I will get cancellations from certain obligations which ends up leaving a nice free spot in my day. I've been using that time for myself to just lounge, do something fun, relax or spend time with my hubby. I'm totally allowing myself to be with the free time, instead of packing in something else which is usually my first instinct. But instead, I take a breath and just be with it. I feel a sense of ease and space open up inside of me. I just want to acknowledge this FULLY because it's something that I was never really conscious of before.

I feel the universe is there to take care of all of us. It's just a matter of how much you ALLOW yourself to do so.