Why are you back?

I was reading about my astrological sign yesterday, Gemini.  One of the traits was something about boredom because Mercury is one of its ruling planets. I don't know much about astrology, but it made sense in some weird, cosmic way. 

Yesterday, sitting at my desk, I was struggling.  Not at a "work" task. Just, in general, struggling.  I was uneasy, restless, bored, frustrated and angry.  Thank God I work with a wonderful individual, who was able to help ease that tension.  After clearing some chatter and identifying my needs under those feelings, the tension level went from a 10 to a 3-4.  I'm happy that I have the tools to support myself when needed.  But those feelings lingered on into the afternoon. It may not have been as intense, but it was still hanging around.  I found relief talking with my therapist.  I realized I haven't really dealt with my money stories yet.  My relationship with money. There's been this ongoing theme around money that tends to visit me every 3 months or so.  It's usually VERY unexpected, and hits me HARD with all sorts of emotions.  So my therapy session yesterday helped me realize that I need to fess up to this ongoing theme. It's like a virus that you think you wiped out, but really it just gestates and hangs out in your body somewhere, until "that something" triggers it, and BOOM! It's back.  Or it's like that on-again-off-again boyfriend/girlfriend, who you keep going back to and you don't know why. They just keep showing up in some way.  It's at this point where you say to yourself, "What is going on and why are you back?"

Frankly, I'm done with my theme! It's a bad relationship that has to end.  I'm ready to move with the fear to move past it.  I'm going to see what my unconscious has to tell me.  Our unconscious is always telling us something in our dreams. Maybe it's time to pay attention.  So why are you back?

....stay tuned.

Butoh: A Dance for Me

I learned and studied ballet from 5 yrs-12 yrs old. Then modern dance all through high school.  I loved modern because it broke ballet's rules.  Then towards the end of the college, I drew my attention to more contemporary forms of dance/movement such as butoh.  This is when I discovered this other element to dance.  For years, I felt I was always dancing for others and never for myself.  Butoh taught me that the dance can be for yourself.  A deeper part of you showing itself, while the audience takes it in their way.  It still can be for others, but it really does start within.  This should be for any dance technique out there.  I guess, for me, when I danced in high school, for example, it was always a competition, because it literally was! I was on a dance team and we competed throughout the state and country.  We even went to international festivals.  Also, your teachers also make a difference too. I loved my teacher in high school, but it was the butoh teachers who really showed me these other elements.  We would take an object, image, or feeling and make that the dance. Sometimes it became personal (whether you intended it to be or not) and a lot of healing would come out it. 

I'm not going to write an essay about butoh.  I find it very difficult to "write" about it.  You have to see it or experience it for yourself.  It's a different experience for everyone.  The late, founder of butoh, Kazuo Ohno stated butoh as, "not thinking. only soul."  He said it all there.

I've worked with many dancers who use somatic studies with butoh.  It really is a way to embody your emotions, traumas, life experiences, etc. For example, it's amazing to work with dreams.  In my recent performance, I used an image from a dream I had three weeks ago.  Since my piece was about women's moon cycles, the dream image I incorporated was my IUD falling out of me.  I know this can be grotesque and uncomfortable for some to imagine, but the dream was so vivid for me at the time, I had to use it in my piece.  For awhile, I haven't really accepted/welcomed the IUD into my body. Back in January, an ultrasound showed the lining in my uterus had a very large thickening,, which caused excessive bleeding, causing anemia.  My doctor wanted to remove the thickening (surgically) and thin it out with an IUD or the pill. I struggled with choosing the IUD or to go back on the birth control pill.  I was ALL SET with the pill, so that left me with the IUD.  I would've done a more holistic approach, but this was something that needed to be done urgently, so a more western approach was needed.

In my dream, I got my period and it was very heavy.  When I went to the bathroom, my IUD was hanging out of my vagina and I was afraid to move away from the toilet.  Then I stood up to call a friend. When I woke up, I had to actually go to the bathroom and check!  This would NEVER happen, and if it did, it would be the rarest thing ever. So I used this image and feeling in my piece. During the performance, I would think of the image and allowed my body to feel it.  I plan on using this image again, but for a longer time to see what manifests.  My piece was finalized, but more of a finalized work-in-progress.  For me, I may practice this image by itself.

It would be fun and interesting to teach a butoh class associated with dreams.  What an amazing way to work with your subconscious/unconscious.  A way to dance these images, feelings, and/or visions for yourself.  So many symbols and messages happen in our dreams for a reason.  It's our deep subconscious talking to us.  I guess it depends if we want to listen or not.