I am awake

It's happening now. In fact, it's happening a little too quickly! As I talked with my therapist yesterday, it all made sense.

Last weekend, my brother was in town.  We and my husband went to Bolinas, a beautiful town just north of Stinson Beach in Marin County.  As we waited for my husband outside a shop, my brother and I started talking about city life and what I was going to when I move back east. My brother and I are very close and get along very well.  But there were some things he said that began to trigger some old files.  It was when I began explaining why I was ready to move out of city life and what my business ideas were for when I moved back east. My brother was asking a mirad of questions, which is usually his manner anyway because he likes to know and understand what I'm doing.  But something in me stirred.  All of sudden, my throat began to close up and all I wanted to do was cry and run away.  I felt like I was defending myself and I didn't like it one bit.  I was so aware of what was happening, I did a good job of holding on and by that time, my husband returned. Thank you universe! But I also want to acknowledge the universe for my brother.  I love my brother and know how he operates, so he wasn't exhibiting any new behavior.  It was those questions he asked that triggered the old fear and self-judgment files that were still lingering within me; however, it was so strong I almost went into a panic attack.  I felt those emotions again as I explained the situation to my therapist and actually had a full-on panic attack right there!

This fear comes from the old self-judgments I used to constantly bash myself with:
I'm not good enough
I'm not smart enough
I'm not organized
There's not enough time and money
How will I ever run my own business?

What was so amazing, as I shed tears and pain from my chest and throat, was I began to laugh.  I said to my therapist, "I don't why I'm laughing." She replied, "It just means you're awake."  I thought, wow! I am awake! I know none of those judgments are true, yet I felt the pain from them and then I laughed about them.  It's also a paradox.  There it is again; but I have to say I'm grateful. It keeps me going and on my feet. It's a reminder and an inner alarm system.

So as I mentioned, it's all moving too quickly.  I have to trust the "flow" of events.  I have to trust myself and every choice I make whether it's right or wrong because how do I know if anything is right or wrong, unless I check in with myself and how I feel? I went too long feeling self-doubt and that came from those old files.  But over the years I cleaned them out and there is still bits left over. Why? To remind me.

Body tells mind, mind tells body

It's like the yin and yang, back and forth, infinity. In regards to my previous post, a lot came up for me around my 2nd chakra. It's where the reproductive organs are, sexual energy live and breathe. It's an area that I've had trauma and for a long period of time never felt good about. I know in the past, I stored ex-boyfriends there, which resulted in a lot of negative energy and self-hatred in this area. While sitting in my therapy session last week, my therapist had me check in with myself around this area. My therapist does a lot of somatic work which has been so beneficial for me in my journey. When she asked me to do this, it was like my mind said no and my body said yes. I began to speak and feel more from my body then with my head. I realized how much I wanted to completely shut myself off from my 2nd chakra, my hips, my womb, my feminine. All my body could feel was ugly, gross, dirty, unhealthy. However, I knew in my mind that this wasn't true, but my body felt it. I, then realized, this was my body talking. Talking of old feelings and beliefs that I once told myself and this area. My higher conscious wanted to disconnect, but there was a struggle to hold on. To wait. To want. To love.

Being able to love this area is very difficult for me and for a lot of people. Do we really take the time to acknowledge ourselves and say I love you? For me, there hasn't been much love in this area. In the past year, it's certainly grown more, but since the a new project has occurred in this area, these past beliefs have been triggered. They still live in there, even though I firmly believe they're not true. It's interesting what can come up and out.

Over the weekend, I had some emotional release from this area. During the Yoga Journal conference, I cried in all 3 sessions I took. One of the workshop sessions was about chakra purification (how appropriate!), the second was integrating yin yoga and the third was about prayer and empowerment. All the yoga we did was hip openers. It was as if the universe guided me to register for these workshops. And/or my body guided me toward these themes because it's what it needed. It sure did. I've begun to realize there's no such thing as accidents. Things happen for a reason whether we like it or not. People come into our lives for a reason whether we love them or not. What's the universe trying to tell us when these things happen? What innate force is pulling us towards them or them towards us? We are beings of creation and we strive for love in everything and everyone. It's time to wake up. I believe it's a year of awakening.