Lean into the Expansion

"Growth demands a temporary surrender of security."- Gail Sheehy




This quote revealed something to me today.  Although, I already knew what it was, it really brought it in the present moment for me.  



It reminds me of when, in the past, I chose to stay in the familiar, safe place, so I didn’t have to feel uncomfortable.  Then I would wonder why I was anxious all the time.  Of course, there were a lot of reasons and stories involved.  The main reason was I had a need for growth and expansion.  I didn’t realize I had a lot of to offer to others.  I also didn’t realize how hard I was on myself.  That if I tried that and it didn’t work out, I was a failure.  That it was the end-all, be-all of my existence if I did that or even tried it.  



For instance, playing board games.  You would think, board games are pretty fun. You enjoy some and don’t enjoy some.  So, what’s the big deal about playing a board game, Liz?  Well, it was a big deal to me a few years ago.  I hated losing.  I had this story that if I lost a game, I wasn’t good enough or stupid.  I remember as a little kid, playing lots of games and enjoyed it a lot.  But I know in all the personal growth and healing I have done, it took only one event that would turn me away from playing games forever.  



I have a big family, and one side are VERY competitive when it comes to games.  After holiday meals or other celebration meals, we would play some type of board game.  About 15-20 minutes into it, everyone is yelling at each other or putting each other down for something.  I know now a lot of it was their own stuff, especially when you have brothers, sisters, grandchildren and parents involved in the game.  The moments for me were when if you made a mistake with your move or answered the wrong trivia question, you got put down.  Now, there is a fun, light way of doing this, but certain family members didn’t always do it that way.  It happened frequently, and I began to take it all personally.  I’m a sensitive person, and as a young person, I didn’t have the tools to guard myself or be compassionate toward myself, and that it really is just a game.  



So I ended up creating the story that board games and games in general were JUST NOT FUN.  
However, deep down, I knew this wasn’t true. In fact, when I chose to opt out of a game and just watch, I could feel my inner child screaming, “I wanna play! It’s fun!”.  But it was the other part of me that protected and guarded myself from the losing part, when losing is really all about learning!



Ding!  I won there!  How can you learn anything new without trying? I tried yoga. Love it.  Went through teacher training, and now teach it.  Yes, I went through lots of trial and error work, because that was the only way I was going to find out if something worked or not.  I used to beat myself up, if one student out of the whole group came once and never came back.  But, in the grand scheme of it all, look at how many DO show up.  



Gosh! It’s amazing what the ego can say to us.  Not that it’s always bad.  All of the strategies we performed in order to survive through something or with someone, worked! At least at one point.  But, if it’s a coping strategy or story that isn’t serving us anymore NOW,  then why hold onto it?  



When something doesn’t work for us anymore, don’t we seek solutions toward changing it?  
What is it doing for us now?  Do we still get the same results?  Is it allowing us to move toward what we really want and desire? Is it helping us succeed in our relationships, jobs, businesses, and families?



So, if you begin to move out of your comfort zone, notice what comes up.  If it’s something you truly, deeply want, then do it.  Lean into the expansion, instead of pushing against it.  

Purging the past

Over the weekend, I learned how much of the past I have been holding in my body. I really appreciate my massage classes and the school, because I feel it's a very safe place for releasing emotions or other physical pain the body may be experiencing. The areas we worked on was the ribs and spine. I have NEVER had my ribs worked on before in any bodywork or massage I received in the past. I know I hold some anger in my spine and right side of my ribs. But the left ribs hold a lot of hurt and sadness. No images popped up. Just feelings. However, these feelings were definitely old, probably from childhood, teenage years and twenties. I had emotional releases both days with lots of crying. Of course, afterward I felt amazing! Lots of spaces opened up. It's amazing how much we can hold in a certain area of our bodies.

If you think of the ribs, they're a protective cage. They protect our vital organs--stomach, spleen, liver, pancreas, gallbladder. In my experience, why wouldn't some traumas, both physical and emotional, want to go there? It's the perfect place! I haven't had any issues with my spleen (at least that I know of), so I wasn't aware of all this holding. It's like a box with old memories, situations, feelings, reactions, and people in my life that I put into it and tucked it away behind my left side of ribs. It helps me to think in metaphors with this stuff to help me understand and when I share it with others. I know I've only tapped into it, but my willingness to really have a "purge", on a scale of 1-10 is at a 10.

Today I feel melancholy and a little distant. I don't want to be at work, but it's something I gotta do. I feel like I lost weight from the weekend which I probably did. Those protective layers or boxes have been shed and emptied. I feel scared about going deeper because of the images or memories that may pop up, but yet, I'm curious and want to know. I need to do this. It's okay.