with everyone still

I had a hard time falling asleep last night.  I feel after the weekend I had at the Butoh Ritual Mexicano workshop, I'm still feeling everyone's energy and there was a point last night when I wanted it to stop.  Of course, I have many people I love with me within my heart, but I've learned how to guard and shield myself in a healthy way, so I don't take on others' energy.  However, I let my guard down over the weekend and it drained me.  I have continued to take care of myself since then, but last night was intense and just loud.  Making all those connections with people was truly powerful, beautiful and profound, but I feel I took on too much at a point. 

Now I feel I'm recovering on an energy body level, not quite all physical and mental/emotional.  Last night, I was still with everyone and they were with me.  There was this sense of attachment which could have been both positive and negative. Healthy and unhealthy.  I don't like it and I like it.  It's a true paradox I find myself in now and for quite some time.  I'm going to seek advice from my friends who are energy workers and deal with this on a daily basis.  I know it'll be okay, it's just an uneasy feeling.

Becoming clear and the Diego Pinon experience

It's Tuesday and I'm still processing my weekend. I really don't have the words to really clearly define the experience, all I know is, it happened and it was for a reason.  I took a workshop with Diego Pinon called Butoh Ritual Mexicano.  I have always wanted to take a workshop with Diego after hearing from friends who studied with him.  I went in there with no expectations.  (I don't want this to be a review of the workshop so go to www.diegopinon.com to find out more about Diego and Butoh Ritual).  Since his work draws a lot from energy work itself, I couldn't help but know and feel that my mind, body and spirit needed this.

There were so many different exercises that created this collective with everyone in the group.  Giving and receiving energy non-stop and feeling, feeling, feeling.......In a nutshell, the whole weekend was about feeling.  There's no other way to put it.  We were all feeling things moment to moment and moving and dancing from that feeling inside all of us.  If you can't feel whatever is inside you, why perform? why share? This was the ongoing inquiry Diego presented all weekend.

During and after this workshop, I became more clear about my desires and needs of my path.  It allowed me to see the power and importance of connection with others.  How we're always wanting to connect with others on a deeper level, yet our culture, world, society may view this as inappropriate or there's a time and place for that.  Why can't we connect all the time on these deeper, conscious levels?  I know many people have fears, but that's just one of the so-called "reasons".  I decided for myself that I not only want to connect more and more with my deeper self, but a LOT MORE with others through this work I experienced over the weekend.  I want to help, support and guide others to do this in my yoga classes and dance workshops.

I also became more clear about this stage in my business.  Since I will be relocating back to the east coast in a year, I decided to use the time I have in the SF Bay Area to learn from what I have to offer and enjoy it at the same time.  In other words, ENJOY what I'm doing! No matter what it is, allow myself to feel it all.  I have been in this paradox for quite some time, but I finally feel that I can go with it without fear and doubt, as long as I ask for support and know it's there. 

Revamping the biz

I've been getting all sorts of ideas for my biz.  I'm definitely feeling the vibes of this year--renew, refresh, refine! I feel a new awareness has awakened  me.  There is a sense of strength and purpose, which is something I haven't really felt or even acknowledged.  I guess I spent most of my life seeking acknowledgment and approval from others when really I could have been celebrating things every moment! AH YES! That's it! Do THAT more often!

For the past week, I have been creating my monthly newsletter for March and I came up with a new way to market my private yoga sessions.  I thought of different names and even looked online to see if something like that was out there.  Tons of stuff came up! But I chose to not let that stop me, which in the past, it did.  Since I integrate so many things within my practice, I came up with Integrative Yoga Session and Integrative Healing Session.  All these types of things came up on google, but I didn't see any type of trademark symbol, so that gave me more hope! But then again, most health practitioners are integrating all the time. So I want to revamp, recreate, reestablish my biz! (yes I love these same letter words of inspiration) Now that I can add massage to the picture, it's really going to allow me to attract clients and opportunities for success. 

It feels good to go with what amps me right now.  In order to let go of all the negative self-talk (mind chatter), I need to listen and feel to the joy of what I do.  I want to think of these ideas and feel it throughout my body and spirit.  I already feel the energy flowing just writing about it.  Regardless where I am, at work, on the mat, on the bus, in the car, I need to take these opportunities to tune into these vibrations.  We all do!

Money: A Love/Hate Relationship

I love money and I hate it.  What I would really like is to love it.  So why do I hate it too? This is an area of my life that I would really love to investigate further, but for now, this blog entry is probably going to be a rant and vent, so thanks for listening.

I guess I love money when I can actually use it towards things that are pleasurable such as trips, eating out, shopping, etc. Who doesn't?  I hate it when I have to pay a credit card company who jacked up their interest rates a gazillion times.  I don't mind money when I have to put it towards things like my car, for example, car insurance, gas, etc.  I love having a car and with a car, comes maintenance.  So that's fine. Rent. I could complain about the rates 'til the cows come home, but honestly I choose to live in an expensive city/area.

Now, I could go down the list of things and justify it, but I'll totally bore myself and repeat myself because I know why my money goes where it goes.  Presently, the primary obstacle that I have been running into is that I find out about certain yoga or dance workshops, classes, trainings that I'm interested in but can't put the money down.  Then I go into this whole shpeel that if I didn't have to pay this or that bill I could go. But what ends up happening is that I go down this negative spiral and end up blaming myself for all the debt I created in my life.  I feel sooooo done doing this to myself! My relationship with money has been a roller coaster these past few weeks and before that I thought I was doing okay.  So what gives? I would love to attend a workshop about money relationships, but you have to spend "money" to go. Hahahaha! See.

I, honestly, know deep down that I'm okay. Financially, I'm making it okay.  So why do I feel myself wanting more now! I feel worth more than what I'm making.  I've read about the Law of Attraction.  I always try to use those principles in order to get into a more positive vibe about money.  I guess there are those times when it just gets overwhelming, especially during the unknown times.  When you really don't know when money is going to come in.  It can be scary.  But it's going to be okay.

Routine Change

It's amazing how us humans function on routine.  If we don't have one, we could go insane or just feel imbalanced.  I know that's how I felt when I was on medical leave, especially towards the end. It's my 2nd day back to work and I still feel very refreshed and rested.  I'm looking forward to getting back into my yoga routine again and, in general, exercise.

However, I also think about my usual routine: M-F get up, shower, dress, go to work, after work go home or to another activity, then bed.  Sat and Sun are different and it depends on what needs to get done that didn't during the week or something leisure and fun could be an option.

Then I thought "I wonder what my routine would be if I was working for myself?".  Perhaps I need to create this. Write this down.  For instance, I had a little moment of worry over money this week and what always comes to mind is that I have a steady paycheck and thank God for that! But if I work for myself, that's not exactly going to be the case.  I know this has to be carefully thought out and organized, so that I know what money is coming in and going out.  But also I feel I need to look at my relationship with money (which is a whole other topic. Later on that one).

Changing my routine is exciting and scary at the same time.  I feel my heart race with anticipation and also with anxiety.  I know I can do it.  I have to. I want to. So why do I feel this resistance? this worry? this fear? Why can't the positive and good things take me over more? Why can't I feel joy about it? It's a paradox that just doesn't want to quit sometimes.  But my readiness is there. I can feel it.  It's growing stronger day by day.  So let's focus on that. 

Let it go

I know I don't have control over it, so I might as well just let it go. sounds so simple.

Creation is fun!

Wow! I'm getting so inspired and I'm on medical leave! I sure have been using my time wisely.  I've gone on some good walks and started a gentle yoga practice this morning.  I feel my body wanting to heal and recover.  But it's nice to take it slow and be with the sensations and feelings moment to moment, even if it's pain.

Today was my first day off any pain medication.  Woo Hoo! Last night I could feel my stomach getting irritated which told me, maybe it's time for a break? Sure! I did very well considering there was some discomfort, but thank goodness for essential oils and heating pads.

Lately, I have been thinking about teaching. Not yoga, but movement.  I recently have been feeling a different energy with performance lately and began thinking about how nice it would be to teach movement as a healing modality.  Most performers are, in a sense, healing some part of themselves when they do their work, whether they're conscious of it or not.  I know in the past year with all the solo work I've done, a lot of inner healing was taking place. It was hard and fun.  I've been playing with workshop names: Body Sense; Conscious Movement.....I feel if I stick with a theme I can really do it.  I got a tarot reading almost a month ago and my tarot reader told me that she saw me in a career of the arts.  This rang so clear for me.  This month I've been creating a business on integrating yoga, massage, life coaching and movement and I think this will be my first dive into it.  I already have a space in mind and have contacted them. It's out there! Go creation! Go manifestation! GO FOR IT! And above all, HAVE FUN!