Routine Change

It's amazing how us humans function on routine.  If we don't have one, we could go insane or just feel imbalanced.  I know that's how I felt when I was on medical leave, especially towards the end. It's my 2nd day back to work and I still feel very refreshed and rested.  I'm looking forward to getting back into my yoga routine again and, in general, exercise.

However, I also think about my usual routine: M-F get up, shower, dress, go to work, after work go home or to another activity, then bed.  Sat and Sun are different and it depends on what needs to get done that didn't during the week or something leisure and fun could be an option.

Then I thought "I wonder what my routine would be if I was working for myself?".  Perhaps I need to create this. Write this down.  For instance, I had a little moment of worry over money this week and what always comes to mind is that I have a steady paycheck and thank God for that! But if I work for myself, that's not exactly going to be the case.  I know this has to be carefully thought out and organized, so that I know what money is coming in and going out.  But also I feel I need to look at my relationship with money (which is a whole other topic. Later on that one).

Changing my routine is exciting and scary at the same time.  I feel my heart race with anticipation and also with anxiety.  I know I can do it.  I have to. I want to. So why do I feel this resistance? this worry? this fear? Why can't the positive and good things take me over more? Why can't I feel joy about it? It's a paradox that just doesn't want to quit sometimes.  But my readiness is there. I can feel it.  It's growing stronger day by day.  So let's focus on that. 

Let it go

I know I don't have control over it, so I might as well just let it go. sounds so simple.

Creation is fun!

Wow! I'm getting so inspired and I'm on medical leave! I sure have been using my time wisely.  I've gone on some good walks and started a gentle yoga practice this morning.  I feel my body wanting to heal and recover.  But it's nice to take it slow and be with the sensations and feelings moment to moment, even if it's pain.

Today was my first day off any pain medication.  Woo Hoo! Last night I could feel my stomach getting irritated which told me, maybe it's time for a break? Sure! I did very well considering there was some discomfort, but thank goodness for essential oils and heating pads.

Lately, I have been thinking about teaching. Not yoga, but movement.  I recently have been feeling a different energy with performance lately and began thinking about how nice it would be to teach movement as a healing modality.  Most performers are, in a sense, healing some part of themselves when they do their work, whether they're conscious of it or not.  I know in the past year with all the solo work I've done, a lot of inner healing was taking place. It was hard and fun.  I've been playing with workshop names: Body Sense; Conscious Movement.....I feel if I stick with a theme I can really do it.  I got a tarot reading almost a month ago and my tarot reader told me that she saw me in a career of the arts.  This rang so clear for me.  This month I've been creating a business on integrating yoga, massage, life coaching and movement and I think this will be my first dive into it.  I already have a space in mind and have contacted them. It's out there! Go creation! Go manifestation! GO FOR IT! And above all, HAVE FUN!

What now?

pictures

why can't post a picture?

the recovery process begins...

since my surgery, i've been resting. what is that? in a way, it's like i don't know how to. i read 2 books so far and i'm on my third, with 3 to go! i've been watching silly movies to keep my spirits up and taking little walks even if it's just for a cup of tea at the local coffee shop. my first day out was saturday to the beach. what a glorious day! then on sunday, more outdoor walking about. walking is weird sometimes but it's getting better. there's pressure near the incisions and at first, i felt scared and uneasy about walking. walking around the apartment is okay because i feel safer. maybe it's pain meds making me feel this way. Ah! yes, the pain meds what a trip and that's exactly what they put you on. a trip. a bad trip. even though it helped with initial pain, the after-effects are awful. i would feel out of control with my emotions. feeling out of control with my emotions was a familiar episode I used to take on a lot. but not feeling that way for years and then suddenly being induced into it was, plainly, shitty.

my first night after the surgery, i began weeping in my bed. it must have been the vicodin. that stuff's intense. joe embraced me until i fell asleep. then after that i just stuck with ibprofen 600mg because i didn't want to feel that again. then 2 nights later, it happened again. my whole body ached, not just the incision sites. joints and muscles. it must've been the anesthesia and painkillers leaving my body. i began weeping again. usually i have an idea of why i'm crying, but it's sucks when you don't have any idea. damn, that shit is powerful! thank God for essential oils such as lavendar. it saved me during this episode.

so finally be able to get out of the apartment helped with those symptoms. i was confined for 3 days but I know some people are confined longer, so i felt grateful for my body at that moment, being able to go for a ride in the car and walk a little hear and there.

it's sometimes hard to know what to write, especially about not-so-pleasant things that happen. i'm trying to reconnect with that part of my body that had to endure the surgery. the trauma. of course it was a different type of trauma this time. it's been very emotional. i'll close my eyes and focus on my 2nd chakra area and begin crying. why? i don't know. sometimes it's out of compassion. sometimes it's out of anger and frustration. it's a lot of different things. emotions. feelings. thoughts. beliefs. insights. so it goes from here. Yay! for recovery!

going with the flow

it's definitely a flow day today. i'm not pushing myself to do anything. if I feel like doing some kind of task--dishes, tidying, reading--i'll do it. but I'll do it because i want to. not because i SHOULD do. i'm so sick of that. it feels good to just go with the flow. listen to some tunes on pandora. facebook. email. blogging. filling out disability forms. thinking of nana.

I know it's going to be all good. it's going to be okay. there's so much support I really couldn't ask for anything more. bring it on.

Listening to our Body: Integrating body, mind and spirit

It's like the yin and yang; love and hate; knowing and not knowing; wanting and not wanting; forward and backwards. We are either in one or the other, or somewhere in between. For the past year, I have been working towards the positive, joyful side of things, even when they are not so good. Through this inner work, I have learned to not be so hard on myself when things happen. I have also realized that there are no accidents. Things happen for a reason. They happen in order to wake us up, to see an aspect of ourselves right in front of us. There may be certain people that show up in our lives that bring us joy or drive us crazy! It is when we ask the question, "Why?" in these situations. Why did this happen to me? Why can't this person just go away? Why did this person go away? There's nothing wrong asking why, but sometimes we get stuck there, we blame ourselves and others, put ourselves down, believe we don't deserve anything better or never will. We all have these thoughts, but do we really check into our bodies and feel? Do these thoughts really feel good? Are they serving you in order to move forward in life? Do you want to move forward? I could go on and on with this inquiry, but I am choosing not to because we all know what we want. Once we listen to our bodies and minds, it's when our spirit, our true selves begin to shine through.

Being in the thick of it
It was this past weekend when I had an awakening. An Ah-Ha moment. A realization. Whatever you want to call it. For the past few months, my menstrual periods were very heavy and lasted longer than 10, sometimes, up to 14 days. I decided to do something about it, so I went to see my doctor. I got blood work done and she decided to schedule me for an ultrasound to do an overall check up. My blood work showed that I was anemic and then the ultrasound showed a thickening in the lining of my uterus which part of it turned out to be a polyp, along with that, a cyst on my right ovary. So my doctor told me I needed a D & C (click here for more info), removal of the cyst and an IUD to keep the lining of my uterus thin. This was a mouth full. This was a lot! When I left the office, I cried. I felt like I did something wrong. The next day it was "I did this to myself". "I am unhealthy". "Why did this happen to me?!"

Then it was in my therapy session that I began to feel what my body was feeling. Having a therapist trained in somatic and other mind/body studies was very beneficial for me at that moment. She asked me to check in with that area (2nd chakra), where our reproductive organs live. A surge of resistance came over me. It was as if my consciousness wanted to completely cut itself off from that area. In the past, I had some trauma around this area and a lot of it is still stored there. Even though, I have done a lot of healing around it, it still can surface. The body memory will always be there. As I resisted, it persisted. I began to allow some of it out and my body began saying, "ugly, gross, and unhealthy". Of course, in my mind, I knew this wasn't true. For years, I was always up in my head about things that happened to me and here was my body telling me things! I was grateful to acknowledge this because it was obviously a part of me that was getting triggered, but a part of me that I had chose to bury away.

Awakening
When the weekend came, I was feeling great because I had the Yoga Journal Conference to look forward to. My intention for the weekend was to be inspired and find connection in myself and others. The three workshops I attended were so interrelated; I didn't even realize it until after I took them. The first was about tuning into your energy centers (chakras) with asana (poses) and mantras. As I made the sounds for each one in the corresponding asana, I began to feel shifts and energy move. It was a very healing sequence of asana because the teacher had us focus on something that related to ourselves and that chakra, whether it was a person or a life experience. Then we would make the sound, breath and let whatever or whoever it was go. Then the second workshop was Yin Yoga, a style of yoga where you hold a pose (all floor poses) for 3-5 minutes, in order stretch the connective tissues, stimulate meridians and have a more quiet, inward practice. We did a lot of hip openers, allowing me to surrender and let go into the pose. When savasana came, the teacher had another teacher sing a beautiful Tibetan chant. The emotions that began to surface felt like a wave inside my abdomen, and then I was crying. I felt safe knowing that this was the healing process, plus I was in a room full of yogis on their own path. After a two hour break, I went to my third and final workshop, which was called "Body Prayer: Entering the Temple". The title says it all. Throughout the yoga practice, the teacher spoke about how we are all one, mind-body-spirit. That there is no separation. We are all similar beings striving for love, connection and community; that we need to let go of our judgments on others and ourselves in order to live our lives. I got choked up during the short lecture, and then while in pigeon pose, I began to ride that wave from the previous workshop. Another juicy hip opener, but then again, the whole practice was hip openers. This area that I disconnected myself from began to shine and speak to me. I suddenly felt whole. I felt light. I felt like I could do anything. Say anything. Love myself. Love this area that I ignored for so long.

Moving forward
I want to clarify that this process can take time. I have been learning to listen to my body for years. Yoga is what really began this journey. My dance and movement training became the catalyst, the self-expression of all the inner conflicts and emotions. My holistic health training provided many tools on feeling my emotions, listening to my needs, the body's sensations and the mind. Then, finally massage training, being a total body experience, also supports the integration of the mind, body and spirit. As I move forward, I realize by going through my various trainings, it was about connecting with me as a whole person. Learning to see the beauty and the positive in others and day-to-day experiences, whether you're at work, school, walking down the street. When I started my holistic health program back in March 2008, we had to create our life's purpose. My life purpose was, "I am love and acceptance". This still rings true for me because through this whole experience, I have begun to see that loving what is moves us through the dark and the fear a little more easily. Acceptance goes along with love. We love our family, friends and partners no matter what choices they made in their life. But remember that, it is all a process and it may take our whole lives to get there. I know I have a long way to go. But if we begin to, at least exercise our consciousness by playing with these concepts, little by little we begin to make baby steps towards what we want and let our spirits shine.

Body tells mind, mind tells body

It's like the yin and yang, back and forth, infinity. In regards to my previous post, a lot came up for me around my 2nd chakra. It's where the reproductive organs are, sexual energy live and breathe. It's an area that I've had trauma and for a long period of time never felt good about. I know in the past, I stored ex-boyfriends there, which resulted in a lot of negative energy and self-hatred in this area. While sitting in my therapy session last week, my therapist had me check in with myself around this area. My therapist does a lot of somatic work which has been so beneficial for me in my journey. When she asked me to do this, it was like my mind said no and my body said yes. I began to speak and feel more from my body then with my head. I realized how much I wanted to completely shut myself off from my 2nd chakra, my hips, my womb, my feminine. All my body could feel was ugly, gross, dirty, unhealthy. However, I knew in my mind that this wasn't true, but my body felt it. I, then realized, this was my body talking. Talking of old feelings and beliefs that I once told myself and this area. My higher conscious wanted to disconnect, but there was a struggle to hold on. To wait. To want. To love.

Being able to love this area is very difficult for me and for a lot of people. Do we really take the time to acknowledge ourselves and say I love you? For me, there hasn't been much love in this area. In the past year, it's certainly grown more, but since the a new project has occurred in this area, these past beliefs have been triggered. They still live in there, even though I firmly believe they're not true. It's interesting what can come up and out.

Over the weekend, I had some emotional release from this area. During the Yoga Journal conference, I cried in all 3 sessions I took. One of the workshop sessions was about chakra purification (how appropriate!), the second was integrating yin yoga and the third was about prayer and empowerment. All the yoga we did was hip openers. It was as if the universe guided me to register for these workshops. And/or my body guided me toward these themes because it's what it needed. It sure did. I've begun to realize there's no such thing as accidents. Things happen for a reason whether we like it or not. People come into our lives for a reason whether we love them or not. What's the universe trying to tell us when these things happen? What innate force is pulling us towards them or them towards us? We are beings of creation and we strive for love in everything and everyone. It's time to wake up. I believe it's a year of awakening.

knowing, feeling, waiting, preparing

It's one thing when you don't know, and then when you do know, the feelings erupt. I recently found out that I have anemia, a thickening in the lining of my uterus and cyst on my right ovary. As the doctor said, it's nothing serious and quite common among women, I couldn't help but feel the feelings. She explained very gently and thoroughly what I would need done: iron supplements with extra fiber; a D & C (Dilation (or dilatation) and curettage); removal of the cyst and an IUD to keep the lining thin. As I began to digest the information as to why this procedure needs to be done, I had a clear understanding in a logic sense.

However, once I left the feelings set in: fear, anger, sadness, worry, etc. I also began thinking, "Why me?" "What did I do wrong?" "I thought I took care of myself?" "I did this to my self" and so on and so on.....

Of course the feelings continued as I began the waiting period. Waiting for the office to call me to schedule this thing. Of course, I talked to all the women in my life and the majority have had a D & C and, although, they told me I had nothing to worry about, I couldn't help but feel scared of the unknown. It's like, Yes, thank you, but I'VE NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE! I also have never had a real surgery before, except for my wisdom teeth, in which I was awake for that. Being "put under" doesn't sit well with me. Not knowing what people are doing to you, even though it was explained, is still scary. Especially in that area! I've done a lot of healing in this area (2nd chakra) and it continues. I had this experience last week where I wanted to disconnect myself from it. My body began to talk to me, but it was a lot of old, past stuff. I knew in my mind the things weren't true, but it was what my body was feeling. Making that body connection is so vital. The body never lies! It's the mind that can make up all sorts of stuff, which I'll go into more detail in another post.

Now that I'm in preparation, it's all scheduled, I'm a little relaxed but still feeling and have to wait! It's next Wednesday and there's still things to do before then, like get my job stuff squared away, school notified, bloodwork, life, etc.

Through all of this, I'm very grateful that it's not something serious. As I would hear the mind chatter, there is always the voice that comes in and says, "It could be worse" and "Everything is going to be okay". I know deep down it is, but it's sooo easy to go to the dark place. The easy route because it's the most familiar. I'm also grateful for the support I have from my husband, friends, coworkers and family. I'm very lucky. I find myself back to the light always....