Safety

This past week I've realized how important it is to feel safe. When we don't feel safe in situations, what happens to you? For me, I can go into panic mode; my thoughts scatter; my body shakes; my heart races; and I sweat. I also feel it in my in my lower chakras, especially the 1st (survival) and 3rd (power and will). When our safety is threatened, we all react in different ways. It depends on our life experiences too, for instance, did something happen to us in the past that made us so scared.

I had a moment this week when these feelings of fear and unsafety came up. Although, this particular situation wasn't exactly unsafe, it triggered some old stuff. Most of the symptoms I described above occurred. I was conscious of what was going on and overall felt like I handled the situation very well. But why was I having the thoughts I was having? Thoughts such as, "I should've kept my mouth shut", "I'm going to get fired", "people are going to hate me", "I shouldn't stand up for myself because people won't like me", and so on. With the help of a professional, I went into a more deeper self-inquiry; however, I resisted! I even began to disassociate, and ignore the feelings in my body. But that didn't last.

The feelings of fear, scared and unsafe came and I let myself cry and be scared. Memories of people in the past washed over me like waves crashing on the shore. The controlling college roommate and ex-boyfriend. It's interesting that it was these two particular people because they both had some psych issues at that time. So no wonder I felt unsafe! At the time, I believed, if I spoke my mind, bad things would happen to me. That these people would hate me and tell others that I am a bad person. Of course, I know now that wasn't the case. I had friends after I finally took control of my life and removed these people from my space. But I remember feeling so scared and terrified of being myself. Expressing who I am and expressing my needs! I'm amazed at how my body handled this back then and now. This was a trauma to the body and psyche; and there were some leftovers from it the other day. It was confusing, but I knew it was something deeper than the situation at hand.

I'm glad I'm mindful and aware of my feelings. Of course, it's not always fun (LOL), it needs to be acknowledged, especially strong, intense feelings. Usually, in that situation, I would've just brushed it off and moved on, but it didn't go away. It lingered.

So, when it lingers, stop and ask yourself: Does this go deeper?