what a week

i don't know how else to say it.  emotions, decisions, choices, trusting, not-trusting, being, doing, believing it will be okay.  i've had to work with trust this week.  i'm going back to the east coast to see my nana, which was a hard decision to make.  a lot of mental chatter about going back this weekend, as oppose to next weekend was pretty loud and obnoxious.  but i had to listen to it. i had to listen to it as an observer because it's so easy to get caught up in it!  i had to hear it like a radio. a dj just blabbing about whatever, because, ya know, it is whatever.  thanks for sharing all of that with me, but, really, what's really happening! 

i'm want celebration and appreciation!  i'm celebrating my first massage client! i'm celebrating family, friends, technology for communication, colleagues who pull through, emotions and ME! let's celebrate who we are, just as we are, whenever, wherever, however. 

it's all perfect. 

far away and not

My Nana is dying from cancer.  It could be weeks or months.  She's 3000 miles away from me and yet, I'm there.  I feel helpless and talking to her did help that a bit, but it really sucks when you're not there looking at the person.  I cried talking to mom and then she said the most beautiful thing to me, "I'm giving you a hug right now."  That made me cry even more because the connection is so strong between us and our entire family.  I fee lucky to have that. It brings more ease into my body to know that my Nana has so much family around her, loving her.  She's not alone. 

So why do I feel alone?  Simply because I am, distance-wise, far away.  It's tough when that's all you focus on.  Then you find yourself not drinking water or eating food, which is what happens to me when I stress.  I had to remind myself to drink that water on my desk.  Eat lunch!  Man, going to Whole Foods I had this amazing selection of ready-to-go fresh and healthy food and I kept circling around and around and around because nothing appealed to me. Not even the fried, comfort food! My coworker is the opposite, she eats when she's stressed.  Too bad you can't trade a little bit of your bad habits for someone else's bad habits at certain times. Ha!

I'm just going to take it one day at time. Just like I've been doing.

so i didn't do it, but i did something

yep, i didn't do those things i was going to do last night.  instead, i went to happy hour to meet a friend i hadn't seen in months! it was nice to see her and catch up, plus get out!  even though i had an intense therapy session prior and shouldn't have had 2 glasses of wine, i felt good and grounded about it.  i know what i have to do now.  during therapy, i reopened some "old files" that were still buried within me.  as i expressed them to my therapist, my body didn't feel in alignment with them.  it felt uncomfortable saying them. these old beliefs that when they come up i say, "where the hell did you come from?!!!!!"  it's definitely something i'm going to explore because they're holding me back from what i truly want.  holding me back from making things happen. manifesting. creating.  wanting.  what a load off! but, what a file to have to sift through and de-clutterize.  the inner work continues.....

it's just how i feel...

sometimes we just don't feel good.  i'm always moving towards joy in my life, but right now i'm not so joyful, especially in my life-goal area.  even though, i celebrated starting my massage license process, i still feel overwhelmed.  overwhelmed that i'm not going to get all the necessary paperwork done. overwhelmed i'm not going to completely complete my massage program; however, i've already begun that.  i made myself a list of items to work on tonight towards my massage program.  so why can't i feel good about that? there's always that wanting-more-feeling with things in my life.  i know they will come and these are the baby steps i'm taking.  i sometimes feel jealous and envy of others who are already there or are further along than I am.  i feel stuck.  i'm still working in a office job environment that has nothing to do with what i want to do.  it's for the money. i know. to pay the bills. so how am i gonna do that when i'm actually doing my dreams? it's just how i feel right now. and it's okay.

Twisting it all out

For the past month, yoga poses such as twists have been a God-send to me in all realms, physically, mentally/emotionally and spiritually.  Eating that birthday cake for my husband last week, probably wasn't a good idea, but was delicious and for an important occasion.  It was vegan, but yes, there was flour in it.  I had friends visiting from Boston over the weekend and probably shouldn't have drank those sugary cocktails, ate that chinese food, and pizza.  My body definitely felt the repercussions from my food and drink choices and I was conscious for all of it! Definitely not always fun. 


I'm feeling much better now, but Monday and Tuesday were the worst.  I not only felt low energy, but I was breaking out on my face and upper arms, my nose was stuffed up and I had the worst gas ever!  I knew something was up; however eating pizza on Sunday night and pasta on Monday were involved in making these symptoms possible. I was taking my probiotics as usual and drinking lots of lemon water.  Finally, my coworker gave me a supplement of Oil of Oregano (great anti-fungal!) and I immediately started feeling a difference.

But, let's back up a bit.  On Saturday morning (the day after the sugary cocktails and 2 days after cake), I went to yoga class and my teacher's theme was twisting poses.  I had never sweat so much and it was needed!  However, I continued my diet of carbs and wheat products, and when Monday came, I felt like I was coming down with a cold.  I felt like my body was fighting something.  But what? I began taking Wellness Formula automatically, which helped a bit.  Then for dinner that evening had a pasta dish my husband made.  Tuesday arrived, and the cold-like symptoms came back, so I took more Wellness Formula.  Then it hit me.  What have I been eating lately?  DUH!  At this point, I felt fog-brained, moody, tired, gassy and I had a pounding headache.  I took the Oil of Oregano my coworker had given me and that seemed to perk me up a bit.  When I got home that evening, I practiced yoga and did lots of twisting poses, standing, sitting and lying down.  Afterward, my head was buzzing so I drank a ton of water.  I made a healthy meal of quinoa and tempeh, sauteed with broccoli, spinach, garlic and onion.  The next morning (Wednesday) I felt sooooooo much better and today it continues.  I'm also taking my Olive Leaf supplements which are another type of anti-fungal to clear the intestinal tract and support immunity.

My conclusion to all of this: twisting poses are amazing!  Yes, being conscious of your daily diet too, but twisting the body, especially around the abdominal area, stimulates and massages all of our vital organs: liver, stomach, intestines, gallbladder, etc. They also release tension in the spine, shoulders and hips. 

I always incorporated a twist or two in my practice and in the classes I teach, but I'm going to make it point to dedicate my practice to twists for a couple weeks out of each month.  It really does help detox and revitalize the whole body, mind and spirit. 

Doing a lot and loving it all

In the past, I was one to "over-do" or "do-too-much" at once, which resulted in resenting and/or hating some of my passions.  Later on, I realized that it wasn't that I didn't like any of it anymore, it was more about what was alive for me at that moment and time period.  I always felt like I had to do, do, do because if I just quit, I was a failure in some way (what a judgment to put on myself!).  When I finally acknowledged what I wanted and needed for myself, more ease and flow began to show up in my life.  The more I did this, the more joy I had with whatever I was doing. 

Last June, I had to cut back from teaching yoga because I was in massage school and it demanded a lot of my time and energy.  It was hard for me, but I made the choice of putting yoga teaching on the back burner for a little while until my massage classes slowed down.  When they did,  I went back to teaching and I love it!

In addition, I'm creating some new performance work once a week and beginning to get my massage business launched.  I decided I want to start seeing one to two massage clients a week.  Within these two projects in my life, I still find time for myself and with my husband.  Some people in my life ask me, "how do you do it?"  In the big picture, it's really simple.  I found being present with each thing I do has helped tremendously.  In the past, I would dread and sometimes feel drained about my schedule for the week.  Now, even though I look at my week schedule, I take one day at a time, one moment at a time.  The feelings of being overwhelmed; stretched-out-too-thin; overworked, etc., fade away more easily.  When they do come up, I stop and acknowledge what's happening; what am I not in alignment with? 

It's a process. A journey.  These things take time, and eventually begin to make sense.  We all have different things going on our lives, but we shouldn't put things we love to do aside because we feel there's no time or it's too hard.  If we truly love it and it makes us happy, then we can find time for it.  It's a practice of mindfulness and being in the present.  For me, it was a lot about letting go, and it was challenging!  But I also had support networks of like-minded people, which is an important part when initiating change in your life.  It's always happening and is ongoing.   Just keep remembering what it is about your passion that makes you happy and bask in those feelings. 

Getting It Done and Celebration

So I fulfilled my declaration from yesterday's blog entry:  "I DECLARE that I'm going to ship the yoga notebooks back to my mom's by the end of this week."  I just got back from the post office and it will be on its way to mom's house soon.  I really want to celebrate this because it may sound little, but it was HUGE for me!

My theme this week has been all about getting-it-done.  I have big, medium and small goals to work towards and I'm taking baby steps toward them.  It feels so good to actually be present for this one.  Shipping that box to my mom is a step within a big step and that big step is moving back to the east coast next year.  My husband and I said to each other that we will ship things back gradually, so we don't have to worry about driving with a lot of possessions (yep, road trip west to east coast).  So I'm glad I started with that box.

The next goal/declaration of mine, that's in progress,  is that I want to start seeing two massage clients per week.  When this came to my mind a couple days ago, I began researching online for inexpensive/rent-by-the-hour massage spaces.  I even posted a request on my facebook status.  To my excitement and delight, a fellow massage therapist responded and told me she has space at her spa! I'll be meeting with her tomorrow after work to check it out and talk with her.  I had also placed a call to another place, but I haven't heard back from them. But that was my first attempt and the second attempt got me a response! 

As I continue to take baby steps toward my goals, desires, aspirations, and purpose, I realize how important it is to celebrate each step as you go.  Don't downplay the fact that it was so small such as, "It was just a phone call and I only left message." So what?! It's an action step and it's a step FORWARD!  Be conscious in your creation!  Take a moment and feel the good feelings in your body.  If it doesn't feel good, then you know that it's not in alignment with your purpose/goal.  Believe that you will get there.  Believe with each baby step you take, and then CELEBRATE!

Emotional Cleanse and De-cluttering

It's amazing how we have emotional cleanses sporadically.  I woke up yesterday feeling rather stressed. I was obsessing about money and having all sorts of mind chatter about it.  As I left for work, I began to focus on my breath and the good things in my life. Poof! it went away and i had myself a great day.

But it was after work that something began to brew; to build up; to clog up. Then I found myself in a super-duper funk. My husband asked if it was something he did and I just said, "Nope, I'm just in a funk now." Five minutes after he left for rugby practice, I burst into tears and it was my WHOLE BODY bursting into tears.  I just let it happen. I didn't question why I was crying.  I didn't judge myself.  I just let it be.  I, then preceded to vacuum my apartment (it needed to be done anyway), but I did it with such vigor and purpose.  Then I looked at a particular bookshelf that was beginning to be overly cluttered.  I had wanted to do something about it for awhile now, I was just procrastinating.  I decided to de-clutter a section of it and ended up doing two sections of it.  I was amazed at how much paper I held on to. A lot of it was from my Yoga Teacher Training program, which I wanted to keep but didn't really use it. So I bagged it up, put it aside and will ship by the end of this week.  Wait. I DECLARE that I'm going to ship the yoga notebooks back to my mom's by the end of this week.  Also, I was entralled by the amount of paper I was throwing/recycling away.  It created so much space just in that area overall.

Once this was complete, I felt refreshed and light.  I sprayed an essential oil throughout the apartment and around the bookshelf called Purification, which has a lot of cleansing and disinfecting  properties.  Then I took a bath and soaked for about 20 minutes, meditating and reflecting on the events that took place.  We really can hold a lot of shit in our bodies and in our homes!

I suggest reading "Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui" by Karen Kingston.  I had to read this for Lymphatic massage class and I ended up pulling it out last night.  A lot of what happens to us can be a reflection of how we set up our living spaces and the amount of "stuff" we collect. I would love to get a Feng Shui consultant to come to my place sometime.  It's all so very interesting. 

So, what are you holding onto? What possessions in your home do you just stuff in any place? Do you pile it behind doors? in the entry way? underneath sinks? in cabinets? basement? attics? Now, when you actually do inquiry about this, notice how you feel.

Fresh Start

I start back teaching my Monday night yoga classes tonight.  It's been 10 months since I've taught this class and I'm excited to see a lot of my regular students.  Last June, I had to make the tough decision to take a hiatus from teaching.  2009 was a busy year for me; starting massage school, personal stuff coming up, and now, I'm finishing up with just a few more classes and make-ups.  But I remember how tough it was for me to come to that decision.  I had to really focus on my needs.  Something that I never really did for myself for years.  Now that I practice this more, it comes easier and more fluid than ever.

Performance has also taken a step forward as well.  I will be collaborating with another performer in creating some work for the Bare Bones Butoh performance series in May.  It feels like it's a new, fresh start to a lot of things for me: yoga and performance.  My current goals this year are to teach a movement/performance workshop and a yoga workshop.  Coincidentally, it's Spring! What a perfect time to start fresh!  The rain has been pretty constant and I finally feel like it's having cleansing effects in my life.  Back in the winter, it felt more like a heavy weight.  My day job hasn't changed much and I'm thankful for that.  It's nice to have a job that I don't mind going to everyday and has good financial benefits as I develop my own biz.  As I prepare to move back to the east coast, my developments now are going to be great practice.  Also, as I complete the massage program, I want to begin seeing clients and perhaps, get a part time job at a spa for the experience.

Yes, lots to do! But I don't feel overwhelmed and burdened by it as I would have a year ago.  I feel I have the tools I need to balance my physical and emotional body.  The more I do this, my spiritual body stays intact. It's an ongoing practice.  It's always happening moment to moment, except this time, I want to be there.