Performing privately in the public

I took a performance workshop/lab over the  weekend.  My friend/collaborator ran the workshop for her research toward her MFA graduate work at UCLA.  We did a series of exercises that investigated relationships, intimacy, witness/viewer/performer, and installation art (placing random objects in space).  Each exercise was specific in its own, but it all meshed together at the end of the workshop when we showed our work to each other and outside viewers.

It's hard to describe the experience in words, so I'll do my best.  For me,  the workshop pushed me to take risks as a performance artist.  This triggered some things inside me as well such as the fear of failure (if those risks are taken), being seen, and belonging.  I've gotten better at accepting these fears through performance, but this was the icing on the cake!

The last two exercises of the workshop were placing objects--both personal and random--in space together.  All 5 of us participated in this in many ways.  We took turns placing the objects and then would view it from all angles and directions.  At one point, one of the participants began to interact with the objects and then became an object with the objects.  After that, we individually set up our own installations in different parts of space, hence bringing that private into the public.  I chose a hallway in back of the theater.  My installation (and I wish I took a picture!) consisted of a sheet of paper with lipstick kisses, smears, and marks. Each mark had a different amount of Rx pills in each one (the Rx was my old anti-depressants) labeled M, T, W, Th, Fr, Sat, Sun and ?. Along with that was a bottle of saki, spray starch can labeled "Faultless", a compact mirror, red lipstick tube, hand santizer, a magic marker and a "to do" list, which read: Breathe, ground, spit, sleep, TP, paper towels.  I had checked off certain items with the lipstick. Also, there were crumpled up paper towels with lipstick marks.  Now close your eyes and imagine all that!

Then, lastly, we had to come up with a 3-5 minute performance that would be done in any part of the space, with any objects, music, sounds, and it was for just one person.  In some way, this intimate performance had to perceive the giving of a gift in some way.  This starts to bring in the intimacy, relationship, private-in-the-public themes.  I did mine in the restroom, which had two public shower stalls.  I placed my installation piece on the sink, and then did my performance in one of the shower stalls with the viewer sitting in a chair in front of it.  I had a plant-watering can in the shower with me. The only instructions I gave the viewer was to open the shower curtain when they heard the water.  I began watering the area around me in the shower.  Then I tipped the watering can over me and let the water splash onto me (I had a stretch pants and an tank top on).  After I set the watering can down in the shower, I gently smoothed the water on me in a specific way each time--like a cleansing ritual.  Then I take a towel and carefully dried myself off and dropped the towel to the floor.  I pick up a red lipstick and compact mirror and applied the lipstick.  I put them down and harshly took off the lipstick with a paper towel, throwing it on the floor violently.  I grab the lipstick and mirror, then go to the viewer, take their hand and bring them just outside the shower stall.  I put the lipstick in their hand to put onto me, which most complied to do.  Then I motioned for them to put it on themselves, which most did comply.  I turn the mirror towards them so they can view themselves with the lipstick on; then I take a paper towel and blot my lips with one end and have them blot the other end. I shape it into a flower, so you can see the lipstick blots.  I step out of the shower and place the paper flower on the shower stall floor.  I pick the watering can up and water the paper flower.  I stop and stare at it with the viewer, and then turn to them and say, "thank you", prompting the end of the performance.  I did this 4 times in a row. 

Again, it's hard to describe how I felt, but it was amazing to hear the feedback from the audience/viewers about every piece.  The feelings and thoughts that came up for people were:

-I felt obligated
-I felt uncomfortable, like I shouldn't be there
-It touched me, and reminded me of what I'm going through in my own life
-I wanted to leave
-I wanted to run away

Everyone loved the experience because they had never experienced a performance like that before, and neither did I!  It effected them in many ways, but it was wonderful how open and honest they were in their feedback.  It was very validating for me because there was one person who didn't comply with the lipstick in my piece, and when he expressed his thoughts and feelings, I felt better about it.  The mind chatter was definitely in full force before, during, and after each viewing.  So after hearing all the viewers speak, I felt acknowledged, heard and seen. 

I've decided to try this out at friend's living spaces to see what happens.  I think it would be powerful, scary, and fun!

where is it?

I'm feeling a little distraught about my menses.  Where are they?!  Ever since, I had to get the mirena (IUD), every time it's that time-of-the-month, it builds, and builds, and builds, then, nothing happens.  It may happen a little here and there, but this has been one of the those weeks where I feel like I'm going to explode!  Is it my diet? Am I doing too much?  I ask these questions over and over, but I feel like something should happen regardless.  My face is one big zit, I'm cranky/tired, and feel that heaviness all over my body.  But nothing.  Where the hell is it? When it's not there, I don't feel natural. I don't feel woman or feminine. 

I'll be seeing that doctor for my annual, and I'll be able to talk to her then about it.  Of course, I have to wait two weeks. Can I wait that long?  I know I can, but do I want to.  My mind says, "buckle down, you'll be okay."  I know I will be, but I feel like shit about this.  What can I do to make myself comfortable?  Yoga! Massage! Some self-care always does help.  I guess at this point, I just want my body to do something.

Dreams can shake you up

 I dreamed last night that there was an earthquake.  Joe and I were at a football game (somewhere in SF) and the magnitude was so strong.  I could feel it, that my eyes were shaking.  When it stopped, we started to leave.  Workers were tending to dangling wires in the building/stadium, and even out on the street.  For some reason, the buses were still running, so Joe and I got on one to go home.  Then there was an aftershock, which caused the bus to bend in half and pop out again.  After that stopped, the bus continued through the city. All the buildings were slanted at an angle, going in the same direction.  The waves on the beach were huge, but not so huge that they crashed onto the city.  As we rode the bus, I was worried about our cats in the apt. People were sitting outside of their apt buildings, as merchants were outside their businesses.  I never got home before I woke up.  I was very unsettled this morning about that dream.  Then I looked up "earthquakes" on www.dreammoods.com and used their dream dictionary. This is what I got:

"Earthquake
To dream of an earthquake, suggests that you are experiencing a major "shake-up" that is threatening your stability and foundation. The dream highlights your insecurity, fears and sense of helplessness. Is there something in your life that you feel at "fault" for?

If you find cover from the quake, you will overcome these challenges. If you become trapped or injured during the quake, you will suffer some sort of loss in your life. According to the bible, earthquakes symbolize God's anger and power."

It definitely resonates a bit with me.  I'm grateful that no one was hurt or killed in the dream.  For the next couple of weeks, things are going to get busy for me--performance preparation/rehearsals, class make-ups, other obligations.  Perhaps it's that premeditated anxiety that I'm going to feel.  But, instead of thinking of the worst, I'm going to take this as a reminder.  A reminder to breath and take care of myself when I need to.  To be in the moment, especially when things get hard.  I know I will overcome these challenges.  

Lipstick makes me happy

I wrote this blog about a month ago, but didn't post it because my photo wouldn't upload. Now I got it!


I decided to wear lipstick today. Not just because it's the day before my birthday or that I feel pale today, but, hey, it makes me feel good! It makes me feel beautiful and glamorous! Isn't that why it was invented?

I woke up feeling kinda dreadful this morning and the whole time I was getting ready, I kept trying to look forward to my b-day tomorrow--massage, county fair--let's get excited, right? Nope, it just wasn't going to happen.  My husband wanted to know what was wrong and I honestly told him that I didn't know.  I began to tell him how birthdays can be such a let down sometimes.  That they were so much more fun when you were little.

So then I decided to put on lipstick and said, "maybe if I put lipstick on it will make me feel better."  My husband said, "that's the spirit!" So then, as I started putting it on, all I could think about was the lead and other chemicals in lipstick!  After sharing this with my husband, he replies with, "Liz, sometimes we can't always think too much about things." "THANK YOU!", I said with some relief.  I really needed to hear that.  Sometimes I don't want to know the information I know.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

I put that lipstick on, looked in the mirror and it made me smile the biggest smile ever. In fact, that's what I'm going to do every time I reapply!

Amazing Therapeutic-grade Essential Oil!

I'm so amazed at the power of essential oils!  As an independent distributor of Young Living, I have so much fun playing with their products.  All their oils are therapeutic-grade, which, to me, technically means they're so safe for you, you can eat them!  You won't find any harsh preservatives or additives in them, where you will find in most oils in health food stores (unfortunately).  I'm not saying they're dangerous!  Personally, I'm committed these days to using health and beauty products that are truly organic and natural.

The blend from Young Living that I'm about to rave about is called, Purification.  It's a blend of citronella, lemongrass, lavandin, melaleuca alternifolia (tea tree), and myrtle.  You can diffuse this blend to cleanse and sanitize the air and neutralize mildew, cigarette smoke, and other odors.  It can also be applied directly to the skin to cleanse and soothe insect bites, cuts, and scrapes.

Lately, I've been using it on my pimples and blemishes!  I actually use a little less than a drop because it's that potent.  I've noticed that they haven't gotten any worse or inflamed, in fact, they're fading!  When I was young in middle and high school, I used to use those harsh products such as oxy pads and stridex, which literally just burned my skin.  Purification is so soothing and gentle, I barely feel it after applying it.  It also smells wonderful!

Some other ways I use this blend:

Air Freshner--take 2-4 drops of blend and mix with 8oz of filtered water in a spray bottle.  Change over after 3-5 days

Surface Cleaner--take 2-4 drops of blend and mix with 8oz of filtered water in a spray bottle.  Spray area and let sit for 15-20 seconds and wipe.  Change mixture over after 3-5 days.
**Note if you're going to clean wood surfaces, test a small area first and wait at least 24 hours before cleaning whole area.

Insight from yoga injury: Why yoga shouldn't hurt

 I found this article rich with information on how to protect yourself against injury in yoga class and in your own practice.  The author speaks from her own experience, and offers many other insights from very experienced yoga teachers and health professionals.

I have had a project going on in my left, inner knee for quite sometime, and it restricts me from doing certain poses such as lotus, and poses that require lots of flexion of the knee.  I feel this happened during a class in my teacher training, or in an intermediate yoga class, where I just pushed my body too hard, so I could stay up to speed with everyone else.  I remember going to the doctor for help, and then finally went to acupuncture, which did help a lot.  But I had to modify poses in order to protect my knee. This was really hard at first because, at the time, I was in teacher training and I didn't want anything holding me back.  Then I began to realize it's okay! You can still be a yoga teacher if you can't do a certain pose to its fullest.  Every body is different at every minute of the day,  and that should be honored in any form of exercise.  I'm not saying you shouldn't challenge yourself, but if you're doing something unconsciously just to get through it, that's where injury will happen.  I know one day my body is open to all poses in my practice or in a class.  Other days, it may need something different.

So I invite you to read this article, especially if you're new to yoga, but also a seasoned student or teacher.  There's lots of good advice and information.  It's nothing that will scare you off from doing yoga because there's so much to learn, experience, and yoga should be for everyone. 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
From Yoga Journal


Yoga Shouldn't Hurt
Buyer beware: An "all levels" vinyasa class might include umpteen Chaturangas, long holds of deep backbends, or pretzel-like poses that can strain your joints—and your ego—if you're not fully ready. As yoga grows in popularity, it becomes more and more important that you explore your own limitations and feel empowered to take care of yourself on the yoga mat, despite what others around you are doing. This week, we offer stories to help you arm yourself against injury.

• Insight from Injury

it just is

it just is the way is. so why can't i just accept it sometimes? it's those triggers that get ignited over and over. some a little more at times than others.  so i scream bloody murder to move the energy. i cry. i laugh. hard.  of course, when you're driving it's not always safe.  i take care and do my best.  but i don't want to feel guilty for feeling angry or sad.  i know my mom was just trying to protect me when i was in middle school when she said, "just act like it doesn't bother you."  but it truly does bother me! so i express it.  then when i need empathy it's not there. so i give myself empathy which isn't an easy thing.  it's better when someone can do it and hold that space. 

but it just is what it is. so embrace it with love and compassion, and trust that it will pass. 

Notes for work-in-progress performance piece

Ovular

two energies embodying eaches energies emotions bodies cycles pain mustered unforgiving drawbacks silouhetted paralled engaged acknowledged being women feminine support against conflicted struggle with away we are the same together every time pacing frustration sexual tension ovulating cramping bloated why must it be that way everyone every woman today past future young old youthful dried up it stops it doesn't goes on chemicals hormones sweat tears rage laughter release inside outside wallow abrupt candle flowing air earth water fire ground float or not

When I'm developing new work from new ideas, I usually free write after I play with movement.  It's a process I adopted from teachers and collaborators in my life.  I love doing this exercise because punctuation is not required.  Yes I could edit it after and make it into a crazy poem.  But, wow, the ideas that come out; the way the words are paired or proceed one another; and the context (if there is any).  It's very therapeutic to free-write like this in whatever state you're in.  Try it!

Patterns and Re-patterning

We all have patterns and habits of being.  They're neither good or bad because it's a way of survival through our experience.  I had a re-patterning session yesterday and I dug up a lot of "stuff" than I thought I would. I knew it was there, and had been there for quite sometime. 

My pattern(s) is I'm not worthy and I don't belong.  For years (and I'm going back to middle school), I always struggled to belong to something or with a "group." I need(ed) community, acknowledgment, to be seen, to be heard.  During my middle schools years, it usually got me in trouble or feeling more unworthy.  Then there were years when this pattern didn't show up as much, but came back (which is what they do. They never really go away!). 

Lately, for me, there was a certain person who kept popping into my mind.  A person, who was my friend for a few years, but then seemed to fall out of my radar and, eventually moved away.  It was when every time I would think of this person, it brought back these patterns and feelings.  I would say to myself "what is that about?!"  It was those feelings of not belonging.  There were times hanging out with this person, I felt not worthy enough to hang out with them.  Yep, I felt like 12 or 13 years old again.  I know I was done with that.  Maybe that's because we went our separate ways? I don't know.

During my re-patterning session, it was amazing the mind chatter that came up.  I really started to acknowledge it, which had never been done.  It brought up some tears of anger and sadness I had kept buried for years.  It was finally becoming known.  It was given the space that it longed for.  I felt a sense of freedom just saying it, "Why can't I be popular?" "What's wrong with me?" "Why did she have to be such a bitch?"  Just typing them brings on some relief.  After saying it, I had a huge belly release of laughter.  I had tingling sensations that traveled down into my feet.  The energy moved and is still moving! Feelings of compassion began to enter through me.  I didn't feel scared or unsure of myself.  I felt love.

At the end of the session, my coach suggested a new pattern to replace the old ones. A positive affirmation to say to myself everyday.  We came up with, "I am perfect just the way I am." When I said it out loud, it felt good.  I felt empowered and liberated.  Again, I was amazed at how much space I felt in my body.  Those patterns were really taking up a lot of space.

What are your patterns? What things do you say about or to yourself?  Write them down and see if you can track them. When did you first start saying these things? What was happening in your life?

I know it's a lot to think about and feel.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!

Hope everyone enjoys their weekend with whatever they do! Take time to celebrate something going well in your life (i.e. a person, experience). It can be anything, big and/or small.  


I'm celebrating freedom.  My freedom to do whatever I want to do this weekend.


:-)