Patience and Trust

I know if I'm patient, it will come.  I know if I get frustrated about it, it's okay. I know if I continue to imagine it, it will show up.  I know it's about trusting.  Trust is my theme for the week.  To trust myself is important.  If I can't trust myself, who or what can I trust?  I feel patience and trust go hand in hand in certain situations.  For instance, if I trust in myself that I will receive money to leverage my debt, I will be patient.  Yes, I felt myself wanting to get frustrated and upset and say, "how the hell am I going to make it 'til my next paycheck?" But things happen for a reason and I need to trust that and the way it is.  I'm grateful for my yoga practice in the middle of all this because I, honestly, don't know where I would be right now.  I'm also grateful for my breath, continuing to take deep, belly breaths when I think about it.  Staying present and in my body.

I know I could find fun ways to leverage my debt and upcoming bills; or I could just go to the dark side and dwell and beat myself up.  But I really don't want to go there. I want to strive for joy, ease and acceptance in all things, even in the not so good times. It's a hard practice, but it's how you learn. 

Which Branch are you?

I loved reading this article because it reminded me of my yoga teacher training 3 years ago.  It was at the beginning of my training when I learned about the "Branches of Yoga."  As Hatha yoga is included in these branches, the ones mentioned in the article (link below) are raja, karma, jnana, bhakti, and tantra.  There are a total of six. Long ago, yoga was referred to as a tree with living extensions or branches.  The ones I mentioned have their own distinctions which represent a way to approach life.  For instance, we all know the idea behind karma.  But it's not all necessarily negative, which I think many mistakenly see it.  A lot of it has to do with being present with our actions and how we act in service to others.  In other words, am I being selfless in my work?  I could analyze it to death, but I'm not going there.  Of course, one is not in just one branch because it's a constant overlapping, just like life in general.  However, I find myself in this moment, primarily in bhakti, which is the path of devotion, "seeing the divine in all of creation...a positive way to channel the emotions" (Carrico, Mara).

We're always moving in and out of our creation moment to moment. So which branch are you right now?

http://www.yogajournal.com/basics/157

Balance Emotions

Something to add to my previous post.  A wonderful exercise to do when that wave builds up or the current increases.  It's all about the breath!

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(From Yoga Journal Daily Insight)

We all have moments of insecurity—moments where we really dread something to come. During these moments, examine your feelings, which can lead you to a sense of solace.

But that's easier said than done. How can you move smoothly from fear and anxiety to insight and freedom? One technique is paying attention to sensations and the feelings that accompany them. Each time you focus on your breath, each time you relax and listen to your feelings, you open yourself to the present.

When you simply witness your feelings instead of reacting to them, you allow your life to unfold organically and you open a doorway to greater sympathy and understanding. Most important, you develop your capacity to be free in an often challenging and turbulent world.

IN THIS ISSUE

Wave Rider

http://www.yogajournal.com/practice/1840

and so the river flows...

It's time to trust where i'm going.  no more paddling upstream. i'm so tired. allow it to take me on my journey and trust that it's going to be okay.  we're all on a river of our own experience, so let's support each other when we can. let's go with the flow.  when fear and resistance join us, let's take it for the ride, instead of making us stop. i want to go with the flow.  i want joy. i choose joy.

Yoga-Beginning-Continuing starts April 5!

I will be teaching a new yoga session on Monday, April 5.  I'm very excited to be back teaching on a regular basis. 

This yoga class is a continuation of Yoga-Beginning.  You will not only learn more poses, but you will begin to refine the poses you learned in Yoga-Beginning.  You will gain more strength, flexibility, body awareness and relaxation techniques.  Students who have had prior yoga experience are welcome. Please bring a mat and a blanket. NO TOWELS please.

Location:
War Memorial Community Center
6655 Mission Street, Room 201
Daly City, CA

Rates: $60 residents/$61 non-residents for 6 classes

To register, call 650-991-8012 or at the first class.
For additional information, go to www.doelgercenter.com

I am awake

It's happening now. In fact, it's happening a little too quickly! As I talked with my therapist yesterday, it all made sense.

Last weekend, my brother was in town.  We and my husband went to Bolinas, a beautiful town just north of Stinson Beach in Marin County.  As we waited for my husband outside a shop, my brother and I started talking about city life and what I was going to when I move back east. My brother and I are very close and get along very well.  But there were some things he said that began to trigger some old files.  It was when I began explaining why I was ready to move out of city life and what my business ideas were for when I moved back east. My brother was asking a mirad of questions, which is usually his manner anyway because he likes to know and understand what I'm doing.  But something in me stirred.  All of sudden, my throat began to close up and all I wanted to do was cry and run away.  I felt like I was defending myself and I didn't like it one bit.  I was so aware of what was happening, I did a good job of holding on and by that time, my husband returned. Thank you universe! But I also want to acknowledge the universe for my brother.  I love my brother and know how he operates, so he wasn't exhibiting any new behavior.  It was those questions he asked that triggered the old fear and self-judgment files that were still lingering within me; however, it was so strong I almost went into a panic attack.  I felt those emotions again as I explained the situation to my therapist and actually had a full-on panic attack right there!

This fear comes from the old self-judgments I used to constantly bash myself with:
I'm not good enough
I'm not smart enough
I'm not organized
There's not enough time and money
How will I ever run my own business?

What was so amazing, as I shed tears and pain from my chest and throat, was I began to laugh.  I said to my therapist, "I don't why I'm laughing." She replied, "It just means you're awake."  I thought, wow! I am awake! I know none of those judgments are true, yet I felt the pain from them and then I laughed about them.  It's also a paradox.  There it is again; but I have to say I'm grateful. It keeps me going and on my feet. It's a reminder and an inner alarm system.

So as I mentioned, it's all moving too quickly.  I have to trust the "flow" of events.  I have to trust myself and every choice I make whether it's right or wrong because how do I know if anything is right or wrong, unless I check in with myself and how I feel? I went too long feeling self-doubt and that came from those old files.  But over the years I cleaned them out and there is still bits left over. Why? To remind me.

More and more....

It's what I want.  abundance in all that i am passionate about, love and share.  i have so much already, but there's always more, more, MORE! so how do i meditate on this? i want to spend time each day or night creating this abundance. i will do it through yoga, visualization, meditation, and community by sharing it with others in my life.  keep it alive. fresh. vibrant. free.  i have so much to offer others it's going to burst with fruit flavor (yep, i just had a thought about juicy fruit gum)! sometimes my body wants to act right now in the moment. but it's not always possible so i need to come back to the earth and stay grounded in the present.  it's okay because i will do it. just do it! and receive more and more and more.

Milk it for all it's worth

I found this article very interesting as it relates to digestion. Proper digestion has been a theme in my life for the past 3-4 years. I've learned so much about it and with my own, learned how to improve it with diet and other holistic healing modalities (massage, energy work, etc.).  This article mentions how western medicine sees dairy products, especially milk, creating mucus and even congestion in the body.  However, Ayurveda says the opposite.  If properly combined, whole milk can be very beneficial to your health.  As I've learned about food combining in my holistic health training, I've done a little of this myself and do find that I have less bloating and gas if I eat this way.  Of course, we're all at different avenues in our path, but it's just something to consider if you've been struggling with health issues.  

Enjoy and live vibrantly!

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(From Yoga Journal Daily Insight)

Many complementary medicine practitioners dismiss yogurt as just another outpost of dairy's evil empire. Yet Ayurvedic practitioners hold it in high esteem. What's a yogi to do?

Ayurveda considers milk products the building blocks of tissue. In Ayurveda, the body is made up of seven layers of tissue: water, blood, muscle, fat, bone, bone marrow, and reproductive tissue. Milk is thought to contribute to the health of each layer. On the contrary, the Western world believes that milk causes mucus and allergies. But the problem isn't dairy, say Ayurvedic practitioners, it's the manufacturing process.

Ayurveda recommends plain yogurt only because fruit interferes with the live bacteria, ferments the yogurt, and makes it more acidic. In Ayurveda, you never mix fruit and dairy—the combination is considered harmful. Further, make sure to buy whole-milk yogurt with live cultures from a reputable producer. Whole milk is essential because the fat is where the tissue-building properties are found. However, it is also high in saturated fat, so moderation is key.

IN THIS ISSUE

An Ancient Cure for Modern Life

http://www.yogajournal.com/health/647

Dairy Dilemma

http://www.yogajournal.com/lifestyle/2369

one of those days

so i know it's one of those days: detox symptoms from the cleanse-sluggishness, nausea, overall ickyness; overdraft fees and insurance claims.  breathe.be.move.choose. i choose joy right now. 
i went through the rough spots
and now i'm clear.

Sweetish Bitters

I've been using Sweetish Bitters to help with cleanse. It helps TREMENDOUSLY with the cravings.  It's this amazing tincture/elixir that supports digestions to promote healthy assimilation of foods; promotes freedom from bloated feelings after meals and provides enzyme catalyst important for the breakdown of food-nutrients.  You simply drop 60 drops (or less depending on the level of condition) to a very small amount of warm water and drink it 15-20 min before eating a meal.  It may taste "bitter" or just plain nasty to some, but you get used it and it's only a small amount.  Here's  information about the ingredients from Gaia Herbs http://www.gaiaherbs.com/product.php?id=266. 

The 1 week hump

I'm feeling very good. It's day 7 of the wheat/gluten cleanse and I definitely feel that some stuff has left my system.  In fact, someone at my work told me that I looked like I lost weight, which wasn't my prime intention for doing this. however, I know the majority of it is water weight anyway. 

One of the most interesting things out of this experience was that I got a major allergy attack this morning: sneezing and running nose.  It's definitely Springtime here in San Francisco, so things are blooming. But I couldn't help feel that this is part of the cleanse.  The "hump" that you have to get over and then it's clear sailing from there.  After an hour after eating my breakfast, I took an olive leaf supplement (anti-fungal) and the allergy symptoms disappeared within 30-40 minutes.  For the past week and a half, I've been hearing and listening to my body more and more.  It doesn't lie! On Saturday, I almost cheated by either eating a burrito, sandwich or thai food.  As my husband handed me the money to go get it, my hand wouldn't even reach up to take the money! I decided to cook at home and stick with the cleanse.  It was probably THE last day of cravings for me, because at work today there was a box of powered donuts in the kitchen for staff and I walked by it many times with my admiring eyes and I kept walking! I even let myself stare at them for a few moments. Yes they looked delicious! Yes I knew they were going to taste amazing (donuts are just one of my many weaknesses)!  But I knew my body wasn't ready and I really didn't have the strong urge like I normally would have. 

I have to face and accept that fact that I love baked goods! Muffins, donuts, breads etc. I want to feel okay with that and not beat myself up about it when I actually do have one.  It's okay to want the not-so-healthy food every once in awhile and I hope this cleanse will remind me of that.  For me, it turned into a more frequent thing and I knew a cleanse was in order.  I also know there has been an emotional cleanse also happening in the process and this attachment/connection with food.  I guess the question I could ask myself is, "what do baked goods do for me physically, emotionally and spiritually?".  I could ponder and ponder, but, I'm not going to analyze it, which is what creates the self-judgments and self-doubt.  It creates the mind chatter that I should've done this or that or I shouldn't blah, blah, blah. I honestly don't know why, so why not just let it be a mystery.   

why can't i just

Everyday this week I have kept wondering when I can practice or go to a yoga class.  For some reason it's just been hard.  I feel it started from when I was medical leave.  Since I had to take it easy, I completely let myself.  Then when I got medically cleared to exercise and resume activities, I took baby steps with lots of walks and gentle yoga. then I go back to work, life, school and then there's no time! How did I do it before? I was practicing quite well and consistently. So what happened? 

I also have been on a wheat/gluten cleanse this week, so preparing and cooking my meals is priority.  I find myself in situations where I'm gonna practice yoga and then I get interrupted.  By the time I'm done dealing with whatever interruption it was, it's close to dinnertime so I bag the exercise for the next day.  So why can't i just get up early and do it? Well, I know me.  I'm stiffer in the morning and I cherish the time I have in bed with my husband. Just laying there and taking my time to wake up is so nice and special.  If I didn't have to work 9-5, I could practice in the morning (that's the mind chatter ranting).  so why can't i just quit my day job? because you have bills to pay (that's so very true right now. got debt to leverage and minimize). 

it's this vicious cycle of "why can't I" and "because this and that" patterns. I know what I have to do and I'm clear about it.  Yes, I don't always want to do it, but I do.  It's a paradox and so contradictory I want to scream!

with everyone still

I had a hard time falling asleep last night.  I feel after the weekend I had at the Butoh Ritual Mexicano workshop, I'm still feeling everyone's energy and there was a point last night when I wanted it to stop.  Of course, I have many people I love with me within my heart, but I've learned how to guard and shield myself in a healthy way, so I don't take on others' energy.  However, I let my guard down over the weekend and it drained me.  I have continued to take care of myself since then, but last night was intense and just loud.  Making all those connections with people was truly powerful, beautiful and profound, but I feel I took on too much at a point. 

Now I feel I'm recovering on an energy body level, not quite all physical and mental/emotional.  Last night, I was still with everyone and they were with me.  There was this sense of attachment which could have been both positive and negative. Healthy and unhealthy.  I don't like it and I like it.  It's a true paradox I find myself in now and for quite some time.  I'm going to seek advice from my friends who are energy workers and deal with this on a daily basis.  I know it'll be okay, it's just an uneasy feeling.

Becoming clear and the Diego Pinon experience

It's Tuesday and I'm still processing my weekend. I really don't have the words to really clearly define the experience, all I know is, it happened and it was for a reason.  I took a workshop with Diego Pinon called Butoh Ritual Mexicano.  I have always wanted to take a workshop with Diego after hearing from friends who studied with him.  I went in there with no expectations.  (I don't want this to be a review of the workshop so go to www.diegopinon.com to find out more about Diego and Butoh Ritual).  Since his work draws a lot from energy work itself, I couldn't help but know and feel that my mind, body and spirit needed this.

There were so many different exercises that created this collective with everyone in the group.  Giving and receiving energy non-stop and feeling, feeling, feeling.......In a nutshell, the whole weekend was about feeling.  There's no other way to put it.  We were all feeling things moment to moment and moving and dancing from that feeling inside all of us.  If you can't feel whatever is inside you, why perform? why share? This was the ongoing inquiry Diego presented all weekend.

During and after this workshop, I became more clear about my desires and needs of my path.  It allowed me to see the power and importance of connection with others.  How we're always wanting to connect with others on a deeper level, yet our culture, world, society may view this as inappropriate or there's a time and place for that.  Why can't we connect all the time on these deeper, conscious levels?  I know many people have fears, but that's just one of the so-called "reasons".  I decided for myself that I not only want to connect more and more with my deeper self, but a LOT MORE with others through this work I experienced over the weekend.  I want to help, support and guide others to do this in my yoga classes and dance workshops.

I also became more clear about this stage in my business.  Since I will be relocating back to the east coast in a year, I decided to use the time I have in the SF Bay Area to learn from what I have to offer and enjoy it at the same time.  In other words, ENJOY what I'm doing! No matter what it is, allow myself to feel it all.  I have been in this paradox for quite some time, but I finally feel that I can go with it without fear and doubt, as long as I ask for support and know it's there. 

Revamping the biz

I've been getting all sorts of ideas for my biz.  I'm definitely feeling the vibes of this year--renew, refresh, refine! I feel a new awareness has awakened  me.  There is a sense of strength and purpose, which is something I haven't really felt or even acknowledged.  I guess I spent most of my life seeking acknowledgment and approval from others when really I could have been celebrating things every moment! AH YES! That's it! Do THAT more often!

For the past week, I have been creating my monthly newsletter for March and I came up with a new way to market my private yoga sessions.  I thought of different names and even looked online to see if something like that was out there.  Tons of stuff came up! But I chose to not let that stop me, which in the past, it did.  Since I integrate so many things within my practice, I came up with Integrative Yoga Session and Integrative Healing Session.  All these types of things came up on google, but I didn't see any type of trademark symbol, so that gave me more hope! But then again, most health practitioners are integrating all the time. So I want to revamp, recreate, reestablish my biz! (yes I love these same letter words of inspiration) Now that I can add massage to the picture, it's really going to allow me to attract clients and opportunities for success. 

It feels good to go with what amps me right now.  In order to let go of all the negative self-talk (mind chatter), I need to listen and feel to the joy of what I do.  I want to think of these ideas and feel it throughout my body and spirit.  I already feel the energy flowing just writing about it.  Regardless where I am, at work, on the mat, on the bus, in the car, I need to take these opportunities to tune into these vibrations.  We all do!

Money: A Love/Hate Relationship

I love money and I hate it.  What I would really like is to love it.  So why do I hate it too? This is an area of my life that I would really love to investigate further, but for now, this blog entry is probably going to be a rant and vent, so thanks for listening.

I guess I love money when I can actually use it towards things that are pleasurable such as trips, eating out, shopping, etc. Who doesn't?  I hate it when I have to pay a credit card company who jacked up their interest rates a gazillion times.  I don't mind money when I have to put it towards things like my car, for example, car insurance, gas, etc.  I love having a car and with a car, comes maintenance.  So that's fine. Rent. I could complain about the rates 'til the cows come home, but honestly I choose to live in an expensive city/area.

Now, I could go down the list of things and justify it, but I'll totally bore myself and repeat myself because I know why my money goes where it goes.  Presently, the primary obstacle that I have been running into is that I find out about certain yoga or dance workshops, classes, trainings that I'm interested in but can't put the money down.  Then I go into this whole shpeel that if I didn't have to pay this or that bill I could go. But what ends up happening is that I go down this negative spiral and end up blaming myself for all the debt I created in my life.  I feel sooooo done doing this to myself! My relationship with money has been a roller coaster these past few weeks and before that I thought I was doing okay.  So what gives? I would love to attend a workshop about money relationships, but you have to spend "money" to go. Hahahaha! See.

I, honestly, know deep down that I'm okay. Financially, I'm making it okay.  So why do I feel myself wanting more now! I feel worth more than what I'm making.  I've read about the Law of Attraction.  I always try to use those principles in order to get into a more positive vibe about money.  I guess there are those times when it just gets overwhelming, especially during the unknown times.  When you really don't know when money is going to come in.  It can be scary.  But it's going to be okay.